Trainstopping (the train story)

Posted on April 2, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:     “I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.”     –Abraham Lincoln

TB was scheduled to pitch the next day; morning really, ten a.m. But it was Friday night and on Friday night you went out no matter how important it was to you to be well rested and so pitch effectively the next morning. Still, I had a shred of wisdom in spite of being eighteen. So I took my own car to the party in Gautier, following my asshole runnin buddies who were not pitching at ten a.m. Saturday and who thus would not be well rested again until well after my stint on the mound was history. And reluctantly, but dutifully, I left the party at midnight so I could go get some sleep.

Graveline Road is a dark, winding two lane road that runs alongside the Pascagoula River mouth on the Gautier side and leads to Highway 90, the way home. The only other ways to get to the highway from the party were Ladnier Road and Dolphin Road, but both of them spill you out further west, and further from Pascagoula. And to get to either of them once you are committed to Graveline requires you to double back a good ten minutes or more. These mundane facts you must understand because when at midnight on Graveline Road at eighteen years of age and already a quarter hour behind my self imposed curfew, I had to decide what to do when I encountered a detour sign midway up Graveline. Being that it would put me home an extra half hour later than I was already on pace for, and considering my intimate knowledge of the prevalence of idiot teenage behavior in and around Gautier, I naturally concluded that some kids probably stuck the sign in the roadway as a gag. On the other hand, the pinpoint in my brain matter that held the wisdom cautioned, there could be a legitimate reason for the detour, so I should proceed cautiously.

I slowed the car, knocking probably 25 miles per hour off my speed, down to the posted speed limit and crept along the road looking for danger. After a mile or so, I’d seen nothing and began to feel safe that no work was going on that would stop me. And even if there was a work area, I was confident that I could negotiate around it. THUMP! (pause one heartbeat) THUMP! (stillness).

Ohhhhhh, NOW I know why there’s a detour sign. Railroad crossing construction. The kind where they dig out the road that allows cars to cross over the tracks. Only my car’s front wheels made it over the first rails and over the second rails. But my rear wheels did not follow suit and I was perched on those tracks and immobilized like a gigged flounder.

What to do? I got out of the car and surveyed the scene. My car was undamaged, but I had no traction on the rear. All I needed was a single ARB to push or a single anyone to steer and hit the gas while I pushed and I’d be free of my little predicament. There was no traffic, coincidentally, so I couldn’t stop a passerby. There was no business or house in view, though I knew there were several houses a couple hundred yards back up the road. As I stood there contemplating why cell phones were not invented yet, it suddenly occurred to me that a train might come and if that happened my car would be crushed. Worse still, I imagined, the train might wreck and someone might get killed and TB wasn’t cut out for jail time. So I lit out for the nearest house determined to call the railroad and have them radio their engineers to stop until I could get my hunk off their thoroughfare.

The first house I reached was dark and no one came to the door, so I sprinted across the street. The second house lit up like a Christmas tree but as I tried to explain what happened and what I needed the frightened old lady just begged through the door for me to leave or she would call the police. “Yes, yes!” I responded and for the first and so far only time in my life I said “Please call the police.” I was getting nowhere with her though so I finally turned and ran for house number three. There I was confronted by a man and his wife who were able to settle down long enough from being disturbed by a midnight assault on their front door to agree that yes, they would call the police. And I headed back the quarter mile my car.

As luck would have it, some punk kids I knew had run the detour sign and were proceeding up Graveline much as I had. They stopped to see what in the hell I was up to, but when I told them the cops were coming they declined my request for a push and reversed course immediately. It seems they were all drunk and had no great desire to see the men in blue. They were, however appreciative that I’d created a diversion.

I finally got back to the tracks and leaned against my car and waited. Then I looked up and way in the distance, straight down the tracks to the west was a single tiny light. Ohhhhhhh, noooooooo. (Except I didn’t say oh no, I used the queen mother of all curse words.) For an instant I imagined the collision and the explosion and the death and my arraignment, but then I decided I would not simply stand by and watch as my world was destroyed. I took off down the tracks to stop that train. 

I knew I must warn the locomotive as far away from the car as possible to give the train time to stop. I ran. Within the first five steps, out of nowhere came one of those instant, heavy, soaking Gulf Coast rains that sent my jeans sagging and my hair dripping. Worse, I found that running between the rails was too risky for my ankles so I stepped over the rail to my right and continued to run on the inclined ground. If you’ve ever looked down a railroad track, you will have noticed that the tracks are raised and the ground to the left and right slopes down and is often held in place with rocks or in the case of the Gulf Coast, oyster shells. Visualize if you will an eighteen year old boy wearing soppin wet jeans running along such a slope with the right leg on the downhill side slipping with every other step on the loose shells. In this way I sped along the tracks until I’d made it as far as I could go. The train was within 50 yards and with a full head of steam. I dropped down the slope a few steps, took off my shirt and waved it over my head as the train zipped by.

“STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!!!!!”

“Well that didn’t help a bit,” I told myself. Hamstrings cramping and ankles torn, I fell back on the shells to watch the crash unfold. Then I heard the brakes engage. He’d seen the obstruction! Maybe someone had radioed him! I wonder if he can stop in time.

I began to retrace my steps, running back to the car the same way I’d come but now with my left leg slipping at every other step and now with my left ankle shedding blood. I heard the brakes again and again and now I could see the train was visibly slowing but it was still gonna be a close call. At no more than twenty yards from the crossing, the big beast finally came to a halt. I still had a ways to go but I was invigorated by the miracle of the crisis averted and so I continued to run/slip my way back. I could see the blue lights flashing now and knew I still had a bit of reckoning in store, but I was out of the woods on the manslaughter charge. A dozen cops or more were surrounding my vehicle with blank stares on their mugs. I reached the locomotive first and the engineer was hanging on the steps looking back at me in wide-eyed amazement.

“I’m sorry, Mister,” I began. “Are you ok?”

The old coot had a glint in his eye and a mischievous grin and he spoke slowly and with a gravelly drawl. “Twenty-five years with the railroad,” he deadpanned, “that’s the damndest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Did the cops call you or did you get a warning on your radio?”, I asked.

“No son, I saw you waving that shirt out of the corner of my eye and I heard you shout to stop”, he said.

I’d have liked to have finished that conversation but by this time the cops decided they needed to put some fear in me. They asked me what the hell I thought I was doing and didn’t I know I could’ve gotten somebody hurt and was I the one scaring the old ladies in the neighborhood. I answered satisfactorily I suppose, but it probably helped more that as I looked back over at the engineer he was gesticulating grandly and laughing to the cop taking his statement. They wrote me a ticket for running a detour sign and towed me off the rails and I made it home by two a.m.

A few weeks later the municipal judge was at a loss for how to fine me for such an offense, having never encountered the charge before. I suggested 50 bucks and he thought that sounded acceptable. He asked how the game went that next morning. “Struck out ten and picked up the W”, I said.

——

A Thursday Pickin Playlist (I can’t conjure up a bit of interest in the Final Four so I’ll leave that to you).

 

  • Crazy Train–Ozzy
  • Peace Train–Cat Stevens
  • Wabash Cannonball–Roy Acuff
  • Son of an Engineer–Cowboy Mouth
  • Folsom Prison Blues–Johnny Cash
  • Train Trek–Robert Earl Keen
  • Night Train–GNR
  • Play a Train Song–Todd Snider (video below features Will Kimbrough, who got started with the Bushmen and used to play in Oxford a lot)

 

Posted in Humor, Life, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

Times Are Tough; Be Prepared

Posted on March 30, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:      “When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em “Certainly I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.”     —Teddy Roosevelt

One of the risks of having a blog of observation, instigation and conversation is that some day in the invisible future somebody I might ask to give me a job might run a little internet search and find this little corner of the universal web and might not care for Philosobaen, Radicalbaen, or even pickinbaen. It’s never been easy for TB to get a job and with the economy shedding jobs like Paula Abdul sheds brain cells, it occurs that it might be tough for a lot of folks to get hired and that I might use this little forum to provide you with a few tips for your next interview, along with an illustration of a true interview transcript from TB’s past.

In your interview, here are some Do’s and Don’ts:

  • When asked where you see yourself in the company, DO say “in your job eventually.” DON’T add “cause you don’t do jack!”
  • When asked what your hobbies are, DO say, “I like to read.” DON’T follow that up with, “Say….you ever check out Travellinbaen?”
  • They will usually ask you about your salary requirements. DO say, “I need my pay to be comparable to the prevailing wages in the area for this job.” DON’T add “but even that’s not enough to buy enough weed AND booze  to get me through the week so really, you’re gettin a bargain.”
  • If they want to know how you heard about the opening, DO say “your wife mentioned it to me through a mutual acquaintance.” DON’T say that “by the way she’s got a nice ass. Really, I like ’em big like that. So does my buddy. That’s why he became a gigolo.”
  • And if they want to know if you have experience in front of a crowd, DO say “I sang a little at this club when I was in college.” Leave it at that. DON’T say, “I call it the Proud Larry’s story…..”

And now, the promised transcript, exactly as it happened almost exactly eleven years ago:

Larry–Good morning TB. Thanks for dropping by.

TB–Well, I had court in town this morning and it was convenient. I’m really interested in your opening and I think I’m just what you’re looking for.

Larry–Great. Well, let’s get started. Do you have a resume I can look at?

TB–Uhhh. No. I didn’t even know I’d be coming by to talk to you until I got a call from JBE yesterday.

Larry–Oh, sure. No problem. Tell me about your law school career. How were your grades?

TB–(seeing the writing on the wall–I ain’t getting this job)–I had a 2.46. People say I should round it up to 2.5 but I kind of like to be more specific.

Larry–Ummm. Ok. Well, how about extracurricular activities? Law Journal? Moot Court? Legal fraternity?

TB-Nope, none of that.

Larry–Well, how’d you do in undergrad?

TB–3.24

Larry–That’s pretty good. What did you study?

TB–History

Larry–Oh. (pause) How about extracurricular activities in undergrad? Were you in a frat?

TB–Nope, GDI. But l I did play a lot of intramurals. Mainly I just drank a lot of beer and chased girls. Pretty much the same thing I did in law school.

Larry–High School? 

TB–Mostly B’s. I played baseball a couple of years.

Larry–Were you in Beta Club? Key Club? AP classes?

TB–Nope. Wait, I think I got inducted to Key Club in 12th grade, but I never went to a meeting or anything. I’m in the yearbook picture so I guess that’s close enough.

Larry–(at a loss for words)<blank stare>

TB–<blank stare>(letting the silence hang uncomfortably for a few moments; then,)–Look, here’s the deal. If you want someone with good grades, a lot of college activities, frat connections and that sort of thing, I’m not your guy. But if you want someone who knows how to try a case, has two years of experience going to court nearly every day, can step in and cross examine a witness on day one and will work cheaper than anyone else you’re going to interview, I’m your man.

Maybe you’re damn dubious about whether it happened this way, but it did. And for some reason I got the job.

_________

A little lagniappe–here’s Elizabeth Cook, my favorite XM 12 DJ who I have a bit of a crush on (Larry I bet you like her too) singing “Times Are Tough in Rock and Roll.” The lyrics are pretty bland and the accent is borderline offensive, but the overall tune has a hypnotic effect on TB and I kind of dig it. MD, don’t click. It will make your head explode.

Posted in Humor, Life, Lists | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Weakest Thursday Pickin Ever

Posted on March 28, 2009 by travellinbaen

Yawn…….

Connecticut, Villanova, Louisville, North Carolina

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Warning…this post could make your head explode (I think mine just did)

Posted on March 27, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:     “I would not give a fig for the simplicity this side of complexity, but I would give my life for the simplicity on the other side of complexity.”     –Oliver Wendell Holmes

TB is at peace with the fact that in politics it is often forced on officials and voters alike to take inconsistent positions on certain issues and use an inconsistent methodology in arriving at those positions. I’m still struggling with the fact that so few people recognize their own, or their party’s own inconsistencies, and I am completely disgusted that the so-called analysts and pundits in the corporate media refuse to address these issues at all. A couple of examples from recent news stories I’ve been following:

  • AIG. My God how I loathe that company and all associated with it. I especially hate the way it made/makes my brain matter splatter onto my laptop. Here’s the deal….Republicans love the big insurance companies and pass law after law and appoint judge after judge to help them make obscene profits….then one day, AIG goes belly up….only to be bailed out by the Bush administration with the full support of the Democratic leadership not to mention TB because the company is “too big to fail” …..then AIG gets bailed out again by the Obama administration with the support of a Democratic Congress….and even though its too big to fail no politician or pundit can be found who will call for antitrust provisions to be applied to them….then Republican opinion makers and theorists begin to scream about how the flagship company of their most favored constituency should be allowed to fail…..then AIG takes bailout money and spends 165 million big ones to pay its fat cat executives, almost ALL Republicans, I’d bet my last derivative on…..then EVERYONE for one day hollers bloody murder…..then the Republican talkers decide these execs deserve their money because its communism to deny them, even though if we’d let the company go bankrupt like they wanted not only would these m-f’ers not get their bonuses they’d be out on the street….then some execs pay the money back but one dude writes a self-martyring letter to the New York Times about how it’s BS that he doesn’t get his 3/4 of a million so he quits, never considering that he’d have gotten jack squat if the company had gone bankrupt, never considering that the wealth he “generated” was possible in part because other parts of the company were leveraged to the hilt on derivative trades….at some point the Democrats try to pass an idiotic tax on the bonus money they approved in the first place….all the while no one in government will level with the American people about the true state of the problem, leaving us to take Olberman or Limbaugh’s word for it, or the travesty that is CNN, or to scour the web for you tube videos of some congressman accidentally telling CSPAN that we were within a few hours of martial law on the day of the first bailout….all to say nothing of AIG head rat Ed Liddy who transformed Allstate from the “Good Hands” to the “Boxing Gloves” (their words, not mine)…..excuse me while I get a rag….
  • Eminent domain and good ole Haley, friend of the people…..of course, only the people once known as the bourbons….but I digress….eminent domain is the legal manner in which the government takes your land, pays you the value it decides the land has and does something with it for the public good…..historically for roads, bridges, electric lines….but in recent years has come to include taking your land to give to Nissan or some company like it so they will build their plant and bring jobs…. and there has been a backlash among the non-bourbons of the world so that many states have passed laws to prevent this, never considering that the jobs and tax base can transform an entire community for the better….but then only at the cost of depriving someone of their land rights which can be a slippery slope….so Mississippi passes a bill with near universal legislative support to prevent the state from taking your land to give to a private entity even though no other state so desperately needs the type of jobs that come from these incentives…..but Haley vetoes the bill and a group of Senators, including some from both parties change their votes and uphold Haley’s veto….and he never considers the conflict between this behavior and his constant carping about “big, intrusive government”….and while Republicans are all for giving a big corporation, such as an auto manufacturer huge incentives, otherwise known as free money, to build a factory (something TB favors) they are completely opposed to giving an auto manufacturer loans that must be paid back in order to keep existing facilities open (TB also favors this) and are oblivious to the conflict in their positions….meanwhile the bill Haley rightly but for all the wrong reasons vetoed could easily have been re-written to provide a windfall to the eminently domained landowner relative in scope to the benefit being conferred on the business and the community but that would be more complex….and if we try to address complex issues in the political world of the 21st century….you guessed it……our heads will explode.
  • Senator Chris Dodd. 
  • Apropos of nothing, certainly not because I’d like my head to stay intact or anything like that, but I’m wondering what the denizens of the TB universe think about the question of marijuana legalization. I read where it was among the most commonly submitted questions to the White House web page in advance of Obama’s virtual town hall this week.

Posted in current events, Law, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 187 Comments

Thursday Pickin Sweet 16 and a little Willie Nelson

Posted on March 26, 2009 by travellinbaen

I haven’t checked the results from last week yet, but I’ll add them all up when we get to the Final Four and post the results. If your favorite team is still in and/or your bracket isn’t busted so you still care (unlike TB on both counts) here’s your chance to keep pickin the winners for posterity’s sake in the TB archives.

My winners–Connecticut, Xavier, Memphis, Duke, Arizona, Oklahoma, Kansas, North Carolina

But I’ll probably be listenin to some tunes and playin with Elle instead of watching the games tonight and I think I might have to download one of the great all time albums, Willie’s Red Headed Stranger. I loaned out my CD over five years ago and its time to face the fact that its not coming back to me, so I might as well pony up the 9.99 to itunes. I couldn’t find a 70’s Willie on You Tube, but here’s the album lineup and the 80’s pigtail Willie singin one of the most beautiful songs ever.

  • Time of the Preacher
  • I Couldn’t Believe It Was True
  • Time of the Preacher Theme
  • Blue Rock Montana/Red Headed Stranger
  • Blue Eyes Cryin in the Rain
  • Read Headed Stranger
  • Time of the Preacher Theme
  • Just As I Am
  • Denver
  • O’er the Waves
  • Can I Sleep In Your Arms
  • Remember Me
  • Hands On The Wheel
  • Bandera 

 

 

Posted in Music, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , | 16 Comments

TB Responds to Outrageous Accusation, and Other Selected Moments

Posted on March 24, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:      “Don’t tread on me.”     Early American motto appearing on the Gadsden Rattlesnake flag

The keystone of TB’s entire philosophy on life, the universe and everything (to borrow a phrase) is that I want to be left the hell alone, except in the few circumstances I don’t; and I pretty much will leave everyone else the hell alone, except in the few circumstances I won’t. This is commonly, pithily described by many as “live and let live.” One of innumerable sub-nuances of this tenet of Philosobaenism is that I don’t like strangers coming to my front door. I don’t like politicians coming, though I can still appreciate their effort. I don’t like school kids coming, though I realize and empathize with how difficult it is on them. I don’t like religious zealots, though I have some sympathy for their fears of going to a fiery hell if they don’t come see me. And I despise door to door magazine salesmen, though I can still generate a bit of good will for them, understanding the financial plight they must endure that leads them to such an onerous vocation. So when these people come to my door, assuming I am unable to credibly act like I am not home, I generally smile, wish them well, and send them on their miserable way. (Not counting the hundreds of neighborhood kids who I have a policy to buy one item from per school year.) Almost always, the intruder will accept the rejection genially and trapse off across my lawn and through my azaleas to the next house.

But yesterday a young, attractive African-American girl happened by and rang the doorbell while my daughter was taking a much needed nap. I answered the door in my usual fashion, and let the girl go through her script until she came to a pause to ask me a question. Here’s how our conversation transpired:

Trespasser–blah, blah, blah, sales script, blah, blah, blah…Have you ever heard of the “Laziness Project” sir?

TB–(to self–the Laziness Project? Are you kidding me? That’s a damned dubious name for an outfit.); (out loud, smiling and gently closing the door); No, and I’m not really interested, but I wish you well.

Trespasser–But here (thrusting envelope through door) don’t you at least want to read about it before you decide you’re not interested?

TB–No thank you. I know I’m not interested. Have a nice day.

Trespasser–Is you a racist (sic)?

At this point, I was taken aback. Several responses shot into my brain at once, ranging from defensive options to smartass retorts to verbal beatdowns. Among them were:

Defensive–“NO! I voted for Obama!” and “NO! I have plenty of black friends!” and “NO! Why don’t you ask my neighbors?” Crazy, I know, but we’re not talking about a debate in which I was prepared to engage. These were simply among the immediate options that came to mind.

Smartass–“No, I isn’t….errr aren’t-ain’t!” or “I don’t really like any group of people so you need to find a stronger word.”

Verbal Beatdown–(redacted)

In true Constanza like fashion though, I simply said “Have a nice day” and shut the door as she stalked away muttering, “I knew you was a racist as soon as you come to the door.” In retrospect, I wish I would’ve explored this observation of hers further.

Anyway, the title to this post includes the word “Responds” so here’s my response, as eloquently as I can put it:  

^   ^

——–

There were a couple of other moments from the most recent rotation of our planet I thought I’d pass along too. 

TB is cognizant of the need to lead a more “green” lifestyle, and I do my best to turn off the water when I brush my teeth, keep the lights off in rooms I’m not using, and try to accumulate fewer plastic bags so they won’t end up part of the floating Pacific Ocean garbage island, for example. But yesterday, as I stood in line to buy balloons, I was subjected to a display of self righteousness that left me nonplussed. The lady in front of me had a full buggy of party goods, undoubtedly paper and plastic and all the usual things we would buy from such a store. She also had two styrofoam cups and a styrofoam dinner container, and it didn’t occur to me until much later to wonder why she brought her lunch in to shop at Party City. As she was completing her transaction, she stopped the cashier and turned to project her voice back to TB, the other Party City employees and a couple of more customers, and loudly proclaimed, “I DON’T NEED ANOTHER BAG FOR THAT PACKAGE OF BALLOONS. JUST PUT IT IN ONE OF THESE OTHER BAGS. I DON’T WANT TO DESTROY THE RAIN FOREST OR THE ENVIRONMENT. I WANT TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.” The cashier just stared blankly at me and I dutifully returned the look, while the self satisfied Johnette Appleseed high-stepped out the door and loaded up her Expedition. Now, I don’t begrudge her any of this. It’s just that she could’ve said in a normal voice, “I don’t need a bag for those,” and left it at that. But maybe I’m too sensitive about these things.

Finally, TB has stated before his distaste for televised news these days. Every time I listen I have a visualization in my head of footage of the Hindenburg explosion and a commentator on the ground exclaiming, “OHHHHH, the INANITY!”  You may recall that I posted not long ago about a Fox News report and graphic telling the world and TB that obese people were 55% (give or take) more likely to die. Not to be outdone, NBC News just this morning advised that older people who consume red meat and processed meats were 30% more likely to die according to a new study. It begs the question of course, if a fat man eats steak is he thus 85% more likely to perish?

Keep staring blankly my friends……

Posted in Blank Stares, Humor, Life, Philosobaen | Tagged , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

The Proud Larry’s Story

Posted on March 23, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:     

Could Man Be Drunk Forever
 		  
  Could man be drunk for ever 
With liquor, love, or fights, 
Lief should I rouse at morning 
And lief lie down of nights.  

But men at whiles are sober 
And think by fits and starts, 
And if they think, they fasten 
Their hands upon their hearts. 

Alfred Edward Housman 

It is not, I believe, a great surprise to those who know TB that I basically stumbled through life a blind and blithering idiot for many years in my early adulthood. Oh, there were productive, sober and lucid intervals to be sure, but for ignorance and timidity and the lack of a knowledgeable advisor, I spent much of my time as a truly accomplished and genial sot. It was a skill my hometown was known far and wide for cultivating. I was quite proud of Pascagoula’s specialty. It was exported around the state and beyond by so many before, though perhaps never better than by myself and my own asshole runnin buddies (ARB’s). Ahh, pride. Like gluttony, a deadly sin, and when pride and gluttony become intermingled, life gets weird. So it was one night in Oxford back in 1992.

I was attending summer school at Ole Miss that year trying to get my grade point average above the Mendoza line. As anyone knows who’s spent a summer session in college, one of the great things about it is being forced to befriend whoever happens to be up there with you rather than relying on your tried and true regular season social network. As one of a score or more of Mississippi State alums attending Ole Miss Law School, I was fortunate to have a good pool of guys around who had at least one common interest and a motive to stick together in enemy territory. One cool summer eve I happened to run into such a like minded classmate who happened to know of a small afternoon gathering of our kindred where it was proposed to eliminate the contents of a keg. Now this young scholar and I had TWO things in common. So off we went.

By this time in my life, I was a world class beer drinker. I could pretty much drink beer until I fell asleep voluntarily. Draft beer only lasted longer.  I recall standing around the keg making fast friends with four or five fellow State alums, none of whom I now recall. But one had been a backup linebacker for the Bullies and was on his way to the FBI, one was from Long Beach, and the other two were tolerable sorts who just stood around and laughed at whatever the rest of us said. Well, truth be told, we all laughed at whatever the linebacker said, as long as he kept laughing anyway. We mostly talked about football season coming up in a few weeks, the prospects for our Bulldogs, and the great games we’d recalled through the years, especially our victories over the hated Rebels who’s stories and propaganda we were constantly subjected to surrounded as we were by the enemy. Enjoying the conversation free of Rebel nation interlopers for once, I worked myself up into quite a fanatical lather. More than once the linebacker asked in a drunken holler, “We got some dawwwwgs up in here?!!!” And each time the rest of us, and I know this sounds a little ridiculous if you didn’t go to State, well, we barked twice. Ok, it was more than “more than once.” He asked us a bunch of times. The day, moving in to evening was proceeding favorably and not at all out of the ordinary for those days.

Sadly however, like Achilles, TB had/has a fatal weakness. Be it from chemical imbalance, genetic defect, Cherokee blood or weakness of character, your guess is as good as mine, I cannot hold my liquor, especially the brown sort. By 1992, I was well aware of this and generally eschewed the devil’s elixir. But on this day, my judgment was impaired not only from copious amounts of beer, but by hometown pride. Here’s how it went down, roughly:

Long Beach guy–Yeah TB, us coast boys can out drink anybody can’t we?

TB–Damn right. But a Goula boy can outdrink the rest of you coast boys too.

Long Beach guy–I wouldn’t go that far.

Linebacker–TB, I like you. I’ve known a few Goula boys in my day. Y’all all can drink.

TB–(to self–Thank God); (out loud) Damn right.

Other two dudes–heh, heh, heh

Linebacker–I tell y’all what. Let’s do some shots. I think I got some Jack in the trailer. (gone a few seconds and returns with bottle and Dixie cups, pouring 5 shots)

TB–(to self–this is probably not a good idea for me); (out loud) I’m down.

Linebacker–“To the Bulldogs” (drinks)

Other two dudes–Heh, heh, heh (drinks)

TB–Damn right! (drinks)

Long Beach guy–I’ll pass guys. I can’t handle the brown stuff.

TB–(inexplicably, to Long Beach guy)–You’re makin the coast look bad, son. I’ll take yours. (drinks)

Linebacker–WE GOT SOME DAWGS UP IN HERE???

TB, Long Beach guy, and two other dudes–WOOF, WOOF

This cycle repeated until the bottle was drained and beyond. From there, its all a blur.

The remainder of this story comes to me via flashbacks and second hand accounts that I picked up over the next three to six months from numerous sources. I believe its important to note at this point that I rarely passed out in those halcyon days. I DID black out when I got on the brown stuff. I can apparently function in a blacked out state for hours. I also, apparently, transform into a jackass.

It seems the Linebacker decided we were all going to Proud Larry’s, and who were we to contradict him? For several hours I managed to stay out of trouble. One of my defense mechanisms–extended periods of silence–had kicked in. I found a wall to prop up and accepted beer after beer from my new pals along with the occasional shot. Double shot actually, as I continued to take up the Long Beach boy’s slack. By God I had to show him a Goula boy could hang, and I wanted to make him look bad for putting the rest of the coast up on that pedestal where only my ARB’s and I belonged. I was doing pretty dang good too. There was a little rockin blues band playing just the right pace to keep me sippin and grinnin over in my little corner of the universe. The linebacker thought I was hysterical. The two other dudes kept nervously chuckling. And the Long Beach boy, our sober driver was beginning to appreciate the greatness that is the Goula boy drunk. Then the band took a 5 minute break.

The relative silence of the bar without the band playing reminded my gang they had things to do. Off to the head, over to the bar, and across to a group of girls they went, while I guarded our spot and waited for the music to return. And waited. And waited. It seemed the music was not coming back and neither were my newfound friends. In my mind over an hour must have passed though in reality I’m told it was not more than a couple of minutes. However long it was, I took the notion the place needed music and just as I’d jauntily downed all those shots, I eased my cocky ass through the throng and toward the stage. I stepped up and looked over the crowd. I picked up the mic. The eyes of summer school Rebeldom and a few stray Dogs turned expectantly toward me as I began to sing the blues. 

TB–We got some dawwwwgs up in he-er? <pause> woof. woof.

Rebel Crowd–(staring blankly up at me, trying to figure out if this was some kind of joke or frat prank)

TB–(getting in to it a little more now)–We got some DAWWWWWWWWWWGS up in he-e-e-e-e—-r??? <pause> woof. woof.

Rebel Crowd–(staring with hostile intent)

TB–(making it up now)–cuz if we got some DAWWWWGS up in he-e-er, I wanna hear ’em bark. woof. woof.

Rebel Crowd–(apoplectic now, and making way for the bouncers and a drunken linebacker, respectively)

Linebacker–(reaches 225 pound TB first and slings me over his shoulder)–I think its time to go home Goula boy.

Rebel Crowd–(booing and laughing)

Bouncer–Get that sumbitch outta here ‘fore we throw him out!

TB–(still holding mic while perched on Linebacker’s shoulder)–I’ll be here all summer boys. Thank ya….thank ya very much….gotohellolemiss…(mic’s cord reaches limit and flies out of TB’s hand–TB continues waving at the crowd).

Then, darkness.

 

Fin

 

 
Posted in Humor, Life, Mississippi | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Thursday Pickin Weekend Edition

Posted on March 20, 2009 by travellinbaen

Put your Saturday picks here if you see this before the games get going. And Sunday’s too if the opponents are known. This is a clean slate pick’em. Doesn’t matter if you had one of these teams losing in the last round, you can pick them in this one.

My Saturday picks:

UCLA, Duke, N. Carolina, Gonzaga, Oklahoma, Memphis, Purdue, Connecticut

I’ll update this and add my Sunday picks tomorrow.

Update–Sunday picks–Syracuse, Kansas, Pitt, Wisconsin, Arizona, Missouri, USC, Louisville

Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments

Thursday Pickin Strikes Back

Posted on March 18, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:     “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”     –John Wooden

It’s time for a special edition of Thursday Pickin, the first round of the NCAA Basketball tournament. I’ll open a new post for pickin at the conclusion of each round. The TB tech staff doesn’t know how to post a bracket that can be written on, but I can link one up for you to look at. So I will. Post your Round One winners in the comments section. I’ll reward the winners of each round and eventually the winner of the entire tournament pickin. You get one point per win, no matter the round. Post your four day weekend playlist for the love of music only–no bonus. Also, in this first round, post your final 4 picks and your champion in a separate pickin contest altogether.

The Bracket, Click here

My Round One Winners for Thursday and Friday:

Midwest–Louisville, Ohio State, Arizona, Wake Forest, Dayton, Kansas, Boston College, Michigan St, 

East–Pitt, Tennessee, Wisconsin, Xavier, UCLA, Villanova, Texas, Duke

West–Connecticut, Tex A&M, Purdue, Miss. State, Marquette, Missouri, Cal, Memphis

South–North Carolina, LSU, Illinois, Gonzaga, Arizona State, Syracuse, Clemson, Oklahoma

Final Four–Duke, Kansas, Connecticut, Syracuse

Champion–Duke

Some hoops watchin tunes–

Midwest–Authority Song–John Mellencamp

East–Foreplay/Long Time–Boston (throw in Smokin too for the missing G)

West–Furnace Fan–Robert Earl Keen

South–Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again–Bob Dylan

Detroit Rock City–Kiss

 

 
Posted in Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

A Conversation With the AIG Crime Family Boss

Posted on March 17, 2009 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:     “The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.”     –James Joyce

ed. note. For another take on the AIG bonus fiasco, check out Supercynic’s blog by clicking here to the Daily Wit.

TB mentioned a few days ago that my intelligence network had gotten wind of a conversation with the CEO of AIG that was poised to take place. The “powers that be” who monitor this site apparently decided that since I would be privy to all that was said they might as well let me take part in the sit down as a representative of the people. What follows is a transcript of my conversation with AIG Capo Edward “the rat” Liddy and some faceless bureaucrat that Treasury sent over.

The Rat–So, as I was saying, without these bonuses AIG would lose much of the top talent that we’ve spent years accumulating. 

Revenuer–Yes, this is an important concern. While we think the bonus payments are highly improper, your logic seems unassailable.

Man o’the people–Well Rat, on one point we can agree. It took a lot of intellect to come up with a Ponzi scheme with enough complexity to stump the prosecutors, swindle your shareholders and crash the entire world economy all the while ensuring you and your mob scored mountains of cash. Speaking of “ensure”, weren’t you formerly the Boss at Allstate? Turn around a minute so I can stick my foot up your ass for that too. With that out of the way, I must say I grudgingly admire your moxie. A lot of media types are probably going to carefully consider whether its too dangerous to lose all those foot soldiers. But as you know, I’m a man of the people. I don’t give a damn if we lose those financiers.

Rat–Whaddaya mean, “we.”

Man ‘o–I mean “we.” We own your little organization now, didn’t you hear? If TB has anything to say on the matter, we’re gonna start attending your board meetings pretty soon. I might even run for Boss. But that’s beside the point. I was addressing your loss of manpower. 

Rat–You don’t want to do that mister. The whole company could go down the tubes.

Revenuer–(shifting in seat and looking around the room)

Man’o–(blank stare)

Rat–Ok, you got me there. But we need those guys to turn around the company. Only they know how the hell they broke it in the first place.

Revenuer–(nodding vigorously)

Man’o–But Rat, you still don’t get it. The people are on to you. There is no fixing AIG. It has to be rebuilt from the ground up. And I’d rather the foxes not build the henhouse this time. Your people are replaceable, even expendable. A thousand land grant grads could never figure out how to steal the way you Ivy Leaguers can, so their brand of incompetence alone will save the company billions. But the people also know, Rat, that it will never come to that. You see, we know your team will never leave these jobs. Where are they gonna go? Who’s gonna hire them?

Revenuer–Government?

Rat–You think your smart, don’t you Man’o. Got it all figured out? Well, perhaps you should consider one more thing…(beady eyed stare, twirls fingers and flashes sinister “Mr. Burns” grin)…there will be lawsuits.

Revenuer–(gasp)

Man’o–Don’t go that route Rat.

Revenuer–Yes Rat, I mean no…but whatever, don’t let them sue rat. That would cost the company a LOT of money.

Man’o–Why are you here T-man?

Revenuer–(blank stare)

Man’o–(sits back in chair, stares intently at Rat. Then shakes head, chuckles and takes a sip of cool, delicious Diet Coke–find it in your local grocery)–Rat, I’ve been tryin to get it through your skull. You are dealin with the people now. Guess who sits on juries, Rat. The people. Guess what happens before a case gets to a jury Rat. We get to take a look at all those contracts. We also get to ask about everyone’s job performance over the last decade or so.  You ignorant rat bastard, I’d have already filed a lawsuit to get all this information if I was allowed. We, the people, welcome these lawsuits. To coin a phrase, bring’em on. All these arguments….are you tryin to be funny? Are you here to make me laugh? Cause I’m laughin Rat. You’re finished Rat.  This meeting’s over, but first, come back over here and let me punch you right in the nose one time. For the people.

Revenuer–Anybody up for lunch? I’m buying.

 


Posted in current events, Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments