Quote of the Day: “The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts.” –James Joyce
ed. note. For another take on the AIG bonus fiasco, check out Supercynic’s blog by clicking here to the Daily Wit.
TB mentioned a few days ago that my intelligence network had gotten wind of a conversation with the CEO of AIG that was poised to take place. The “powers that be” who monitor this site apparently decided that since I would be privy to all that was said they might as well let me take part in the sit down as a representative of the people. What follows is a transcript of my conversation with AIG Capo Edward “the rat” Liddy and some faceless bureaucrat that Treasury sent over.
The Rat–So, as I was saying, without these bonuses AIG would lose much of the top talent that we’ve spent years accumulating.
Revenuer–Yes, this is an important concern. While we think the bonus payments are highly improper, your logic seems unassailable.
Man o’the people–Well Rat, on one point we can agree. It took a lot of intellect to come up with a Ponzi scheme with enough complexity to stump the prosecutors, swindle your shareholders and crash the entire world economy all the while ensuring you and your mob scored mountains of cash. Speaking of “ensure”, weren’t you formerly the Boss at Allstate? Turn around a minute so I can stick my foot up your ass for that too. With that out of the way, I must say I grudgingly admire your moxie. A lot of media types are probably going to carefully consider whether its too dangerous to lose all those foot soldiers. But as you know, I’m a man of the people. I don’t give a damn if we lose those financiers.
Rat–Whaddaya mean, “we.”
Man ‘o–I mean “we.” We own your little organization now, didn’t you hear? If TB has anything to say on the matter, we’re gonna start attending your board meetings pretty soon. I might even run for Boss. But that’s beside the point. I was addressing your loss of manpower.
Rat–You don’t want to do that mister. The whole company could go down the tubes.
Revenuer–(shifting in seat and looking around the room)
Rat–Ok, you got me there. But we need those guys to turn around the company. Only they know how the hell they broke it in the first place.
Man’o–But Rat, you still don’t get it. The people are on to you. There is no fixing AIG. It has to be rebuilt from the ground up. And I’d rather the foxes not build the henhouse this time. Your people are replaceable, even expendable. A thousand land grant grads could never figure out how to steal the way you Ivy Leaguers can, so their brand of incompetence alone will save the company billions. But the people also know, Rat, that it will never come to that. You see, we know your team will never leave these jobs. Where are they gonna go? Who’s gonna hire them?
Rat–You think your smart, don’t you Man’o. Got it all figured out? Well, perhaps you should consider one more thing…(beady eyed stare, twirls fingers and flashes sinister “Mr. Burns” grin)…there will be lawsuits.
Man’o–Don’t go that route Rat.
Revenuer–Yes Rat, I mean no…but whatever, don’t let them sue rat. That would cost the company a LOT of money.
Man’o–Why are you here T-man?
Man’o–(sits back in chair, stares intently at Rat. Then shakes head, chuckles and takes a sip of cool, delicious Diet Coke–find it in your local grocery)–Rat, I’ve been tryin to get it through your skull. You are dealin with the people now. Guess who sits on juries, Rat. The people. Guess what happens before a case gets to a jury Rat. We get to take a look at all those contracts. We also get to ask about everyone’s job performance over the last decade or so. You ignorant rat bastard, I’d have already filed a lawsuit to get all this information if I was allowed. We, the people, welcome these lawsuits. To coin a phrase, bring’em on. All these arguments….are you tryin to be funny? Are you here to make me laugh? Cause I’m laughin Rat. You’re finished Rat. This meeting’s over, but first, come back over here and let me punch you right in the nose one time. For the people.
Revenuer–Anybody up for lunch? I’m buying.