TB Responds to Outrageous Accusation, and Other Selected Moments

Quote of the Day:      “Don’t tread on me.”     Early American motto appearing on the Gadsden Rattlesnake flag

The keystone of TB’s entire philosophy on life, the universe and everything (to borrow a phrase) is that I want to be left the hell alone, except in the few circumstances I don’t; and I pretty much will leave everyone else the hell alone, except in the few circumstances I won’t. This is commonly, pithily described by many as “live and let live.” One of innumerable sub-nuances of this tenet of Philosobaenism is that I don’t like strangers coming to my front door. I don’t like politicians coming, though I can still appreciate their effort. I don’t like school kids coming, though I realize and empathize with how difficult it is on them. I don’t like religious zealots, though I have some sympathy for their fears of going to a fiery hell if they don’t come see me. And I despise door to door magazine salesmen, though I can still generate a bit of good will for them, understanding the financial plight they must endure that leads them to such an onerous vocation. So when these people come to my door, assuming I am unable to credibly act like I am not home, I generally smile, wish them well, and send them on their miserable way. (Not counting the hundreds of neighborhood kids who I have a policy to buy one item from per school year.) Almost always, the intruder will accept the rejection genially and trapse off across my lawn and through my azaleas to the next house.

But yesterday a young, attractive African-American girl happened by and rang the doorbell while my daughter was taking a much needed nap. I answered the door in my usual fashion, and let the girl go through her script until she came to a pause to ask me a question. Here’s how our conversation transpired:

Trespasser–blah, blah, blah, sales script, blah, blah, blah…Have you ever heard of the “Laziness Project” sir?

TB–(to self–the Laziness Project? Are you kidding me? That’s a damned dubious name for an outfit.); (out loud, smiling and gently closing the door); No, and I’m not really interested, but I wish you well.

Trespasser–But here (thrusting envelope through door) don’t you at least want to read about it before you decide you’re not interested?

TB–No thank you. I know I’m not interested. Have a nice day.

Trespasser–Is you a racist (sic)?

At this point, I was taken aback. Several responses shot into my brain at once, ranging from defensive options to smartass retorts to verbal beatdowns. Among them were:

Defensive–“NO! I voted for Obama!” and “NO! I have plenty of black friends!” and “NO! Why don’t you ask my neighbors?” Crazy, I know, but we’re not talking about a debate in which I was prepared to engage. These were simply among the immediate options that came to mind.

Smartass–“No, I isn’t….errr aren’t-ain’t!” or “I don’t really like any group of people so you need to find a stronger word.”

Verbal Beatdown–(redacted)

In true Constanza like fashion though, I simply said “Have a nice day” and shut the door as she stalked away muttering, “I knew you was a racist as soon as you come to the door.” In retrospect, I wish I would’ve explored this observation of hers further.

Anyway, the title to this post includes the word “Responds” so here’s my response, as eloquently as I can put it:  

^   ^

——–

There were a couple of other moments from the most recent rotation of our planet I thought I’d pass along too. 

TB is cognizant of the need to lead a more “green” lifestyle, and I do my best to turn off the water when I brush my teeth, keep the lights off in rooms I’m not using, and try to accumulate fewer plastic bags so they won’t end up part of the floating Pacific Ocean garbage island, for example. But yesterday, as I stood in line to buy balloons, I was subjected to a display of self righteousness that left me nonplussed. The lady in front of me had a full buggy of party goods, undoubtedly paper and plastic and all the usual things we would buy from such a store. She also had two styrofoam cups and a styrofoam dinner container, and it didn’t occur to me until much later to wonder why she brought her lunch in to shop at Party City. As she was completing her transaction, she stopped the cashier and turned to project her voice back to TB, the other Party City employees and a couple of more customers, and loudly proclaimed, “I DON’T NEED ANOTHER BAG FOR THAT PACKAGE OF BALLOONS. JUST PUT IT IN ONE OF THESE OTHER BAGS. I DON’T WANT TO DESTROY THE RAIN FOREST OR THE ENVIRONMENT. I WANT TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT.” The cashier just stared blankly at me and I dutifully returned the look, while the self satisfied Johnette Appleseed high-stepped out the door and loaded up her Expedition. Now, I don’t begrudge her any of this. It’s just that she could’ve said in a normal voice, “I don’t need a bag for those,” and left it at that. But maybe I’m too sensitive about these things.

Finally, TB has stated before his distaste for televised news these days. Every time I listen I have a visualization in my head of footage of the Hindenburg explosion and a commentator on the ground exclaiming, “OHHHHH, the INANITY!”  You may recall that I posted not long ago about a Fox News report and graphic telling the world and TB that obese people were 55% (give or take) more likely to die. Not to be outdone, NBC News just this morning advised that older people who consume red meat and processed meats were 30% more likely to die according to a new study. It begs the question of course, if a fat man eats steak is he thus 85% more likely to perish?

Keep staring blankly my friends……

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
This entry was posted in Blank Stares, Humor, Life, Philosobaen and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to TB Responds to Outrageous Accusation, and Other Selected Moments

  1. larry says:

    I saw the report on red meat this morning. The report also mentioned that the “other white meat” pork was actually considered red maet. Let me get this straight people who eat more red meat and pig are 30% more likely to die an earlier death than people who eat fish, vegtables and fruit. No way! I do not believe it! I think Holly and I had the blank stare moment at the same time. It was pretty funny, but I guess you had to be there.

  2. RockStarRambler says:

    That’s right TB – just say no red meat, processed meats and pork and you are 70% less likely die. Not such a bad trade-off for immortality, huh?

  3. I’d have to think on it pretty hard.

  4. Jessie Lou says:

    We could also debate the point that we were supposed to be vegetarians until original sin entered the picture. But enter it we did so meat became an option. Something is bound to kill me so until I’m told I can no longer have red meat, I’m going to continue to eat it every Sunday night, along with pork on any given evening.

  5. quail09 says:

    TB……there IS a glimmer of conservativism in you….i think most people think like you’re thinking….they never ponder the end result of all of this bs being propogated about global warming and such…….until some liberal disciple shows their ass like that…..

  6. Zeek says:

    I ordered 2 Spicy Ranch Chicken Wraps (trying to eat a little healthier) at Wendy’s tonight while getting family provisions. (At this time see Joe Pesci in backseat of Lethal Weapon I) I ordered them with no lettuce, and to my surprise upon arriving home, both were slathered with shredded lettuce(no big pieces easily picked off to make edible)(blank stare). Infuriated due to an overabundant exposure of stupidity, ignorance, and moronicism lately I called store and informed them of mistake and my plans to return and claim correct order. The manager’s first reply? “You say you had lettuce on your fries?” ^_ ^

  7. larry says:

    i meant vegetables

  8. irvineredd says:

    quail09, I don’t really think the lady in question should really have anything to do with TB being liberal or conservative. She’s just being a rude asshole, in my book. Just like if an anti-abortion protester gets in my face and tells me I believe in killing babies, that’s not liberal or conservative, that’s just being an asshole. And those are everywhere no matter your political persuasion.

  9. quail09 says:

    Has that ever happened to you?

  10. irvineredd says:

    Yes. It has also happened to me assistant.

  11. irvineredd says:

    Apparently I’m typing like a pirate today.

  12. That’s funny.

    Honestly, her politics are irrelevant to the post and never crossed my mind. I think there can be no reasonable debate that the a-hole problem is rampant in this country/world and in no way limited to one political party or another. That having been said, I am as guilty as anyone at sometimes attributing the traits of the worst of my political foes to the entire group at large. We are conditioned to do so by tv and radio, not to mention the internet if you only read certain toxic blogs and it is to the detriment of honest debate and I think to our great collective detriment as well.

    TB ain’t one of those places though.

  13. PS, I’d like a little love for my “ohhhh the inanity” line. Truly one of my better bon mots.

  14. Jessie Lou says:

    I would say your blog is full of highly passionate people depending on the subject matter. Each one has his own level of toxicity due to other influences prior to this blog. I say that with alot of humor!

  15. irvineredd says:

    We here at TBB-VCU, greatly appreciate all of it.

  16. quail09 says:

    I don’t think the lady in question has anything to with TB being liberal or conservative….i just like to tweak him any chance i get….i’m actually proud of his objectivity….his being willing to call out a fellow liberal when their snobiness reaches the asshole level…..and, btw, irv, i’d call out an anti-abortion protester asshole quicker’n you can say “third trimester abortions are murder”…..oh, and what were you doin to raise the ire of an anti abortion protester anyway?

  17. Zeek says:

    You shoulda sicked yer dawg on her,boy.

  18. irvineredd says:

    It’s not hard to raise their ire, Q09. They are pretty touchy people, who make a point of asking you questions that lead to answers that cause confrontation. Even if you want to get away from them, it can be difficult.

    My assistant used to work for the Richmond SPCA. He told one of them he worked for an organization that actively and humanely destroys fetus’ and will kill the mother if they think she isn’t healthy enough.

    Good on anyone who enjoys winding up those who go in extreme directions. George Washington would be proud, since he told us from the get go that factions were a bad idea. Too bad we didn’t listen.

  19. larry says:

    Arrgh Matey!

    I had a great steak at Ruth Chris last night. Take a few days off of the end of larry’s calendar. Q09 make sure you take that into account for my life insurance calculations. I would have to say the steak was worth it. Sorry RockStar.

    I will have to agree with TB on “live and let live.” I try to follow that principle, but “live and let live” assumes that others will take personal responsibility for themselves. I do not see that happening anytime soon. The Laziness Project? Really? Red, yellow, black or white the girl is just ignorant.

  20. Larry, take off another six months for the spinach au gratin.

  21. Smilyj says:

    I remember how TB reacts to such accusations. Seems you have more restraint these days. I prefer the quickwitted character assasinating one-liners that I remember from the past. They were not always well thoughtout (never i guess) but OOOOh so effective at making the accuser feel like the bug that got squished under my dogs poo poo. A good way to deal with unwanted door visitors, except for children? Answer the door naked.

  22. I’ve mellowed a bit. Those responses still come to mind, but seldom come out any more. Other than Face I haven’t called anyone a slut, for example, in years. I use the blank stare a lot now. Sometimes I go Socratic Method on their asses.

  23. face says:

    And I won’t forget it. By the way, I think my anti-SEC rant was pretty much right on target.

    I agree with Smily, I would like to see the potential 1998 TB responses to this encounter posted on here.

  24. Jessie Lou says:

    Larry – I had steak for lunch and no points for spinach au gratin. Since I’m about 6-7 years older than you, I’m likely to bite the dust even sooner. But I’ll be fat and happy when I do it. Just hit the treadmill to make sure your ticker keeps moving the blood through. That is all any of us can hope for.

  25. Madd Dawg says:

    QC09,
    Unlike Larry, I drink only rain water and eat only organic fruits and vegetables grown in my backyard. Please take that information into account when calculating my life insurance premiums.

  26. Jessie Lou says:

    It sounds like you should be wearing only a loincloth…..

  27. Madd Dawg says:

    U wish!!! 🙂

    Just looking to save some cash on premiums.

  28. Zeek says:

    The Dutch Boy in a loincloth? I really didn’t need that visual pop in my head!

  29. Jessie Lou says:

    I was thinking Garden of Eden – fruits and veggies – Adam and Eve – loincloth. It had nothing to do with ethniticity (sp).

    I must be the enigma – nobody gets my way of thinking!

  30. quail09 says:

    Jessie Louise…i do…but i think you mean fig leaf….

  31. quail09 says:

    Jessie Louise…and you may be 6-7 years older than larry, but you look about 10 years younger that him…..so, eat that steak, girl

  32. Jessie Lou says:

    We are both right – Genesis 3:7 says ….”so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” However, Genesis 3:20 says “The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them”.

    I’m sure SmilyJ would think A fig leaf would be sufficient.

  33. Jessie Lou says:

    Getting old ain’t for Sissies Q09 so I appreciate your kind remarks. I’m sure these boys have ate, drank and stayed out later than I was ever allowed to or wanted to in this lifetime so I’m hoping that makes up for all the steak and mushrooms I can put away. That and a little Lipitor!

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