Movies I Want to See Made

Posted on June 24, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day          “I’m certainly the last person to give advice on, well, anything.”    — George Clooney

  1. A sequel to “The Big Lebowski.”  The Dude is inadvertently hired to cover the Republican National Convention.  The script would draw inspiration from the Gonzo journalism of “Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail.”  Although I’m certainly not suggesting the Dude should take on any characteristics of the Duke.  They are polar opposites after all.  And that’s why it would be so damned funny.
  2. Star Wars Episode 0.  “The Adventures of Young Yoda.”  Two reasons–I want to see Yoda fight in his prime.  And I want to see who and how bad his mentor is.
  3. A Michael Moore documentary on John McCain.  We desperately need anything that helps stop the Cons before they can do any more damage.  And I bet Moore could make it funny.
  4. A Marx Brothers remake.  Actually, just remake the funniest parts of all their movies.  Plot is incidental.  Jerry Seinfeld plays Groucho, Jack Black is Chico, Will Ferrell is Harpo and Kate Blanchett plays Zeppo (to give it Oscar eligibility).  Meryl Streep plays Margaret Dumond (could get the flick nominated on this post alone).
  5. An adaptation of any of Hemingway’s books.  Better yet, how about just “The Story of Ernest Hemingway?”  Young Ernest is Shia Lebouf (I am not looking up the correct spelling) and old Ernest is DeNiro.  Smoking, drinking, sex, fishing, skiing, and fighting…this movie could have it all.  
  6. The “Autobiography of Travellinbaen.”  Why self written, you ask?  I don’t see anybody knocking in my door looking for the job do I?  And why should I want this movie made?  For the money, of course. And I want it in advance.  I never said anything about all these movies having to be worth a damn after all.
  7. You want ten don’t you?  Everything tied up all nice and tidy.  Well genius doesn’t work that way. These ideas take a lot out of a man.  Go on and make up your own list and leave me the hell alone. (Sorry, I was channelling Bogey there for a minute).   
All of the above copywrite protected by Travellinbaen.  Have your people call my people send money if they want to discuss.
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Sometimes, I Miss Being a Kid

Posted on June 23, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:      “Though a man has a new birth at every new phase of his life it is inevitable, if the abandoned phase has been good, that he should mourn it as a dead friend.”   —  John Myers, from  “The Wild Yazoo”

Tooling around on my new bike and the oppressive heat of the early Mississippi summer have combined to generate in me flashbacks to the halcyon (I admit I had to look it up to be sure) days of my late 70’s childhood. Sure, they were tough times for a lot of people.  But double digit inflation, unemployment and interest rates, the grain embargo, the hostages, even disco had only the slightest presence in my consciousness.  

What dominated summer, from my earliest memories was baseball.  My first games were in our side yard and I was the only player on both teams.  I’d wear my brother’s catching gear and loved the navy and orange shin guards, with only one knee, and the mask that was worn with a baseball cap on backwards.  It had no helmet and the backwards cap was turned back around immediately upon taking a position in the field.  I can still feel the slippery sweat on my lower jaw and around my lips rubbing against the black leather of the mask.  

I soon progressed enough to earn a spot in the neighborhood games.  Or so I thought.  As the youngest by a couple of years on Woodhaven Street, I always took it as a sign of my prodigious talent that I was accepted so young.  It has only been recently that my Dad revealed the real reason I could play was access to my brother’s equipment.  

I have a distinct memory as a five year old of the dust cloud from a slide in to second in one of my brother’s games.  And I remember his team, Big Ten Tires, and their beautiful all yellow uniforms.  I vowed then and there I would play in a real league someday, and get on a team featuring those yellow trousers and stretchy leggings.  So off to T-ball it was.  I progressed through four years of blue shirts and white pants before finally getting the news that my ten year old Mississippi Chemical team would be green and yellow.  But alas, we got white pants and only by winning our league was the disappointment of missing the colored pants assuaged.  Moving up for the last time in kids’ ball, I was back in blue and white, but there was some consolation in being assigned red pants for All-Stars as a twelve year old–red pants in which we conquered the State of Mississippi.  Then a colossal coaching error found us back in white pants for the Dixie Youth World Series where we could only manage one win in three tries.

But baseball then wasn’t only about the uniforms.  I miss the plastic Icee cups with Johnny Bench, Carl Yaztremzki, Pete Rose, and even Jeff Burroughs and Richie Zisk.  I still have the MLB mini-helmets they served slush puppies in at the ballfields.  I miss the Saturday Game of the Week which always featured my Cincinnati Reds and the goofy stories of Joe Garogiola. The most exciting night of the summer was the night of the All-Star Game, always played mid-week.  Mid-week baseball on TV! It was unheard of.  More than anything I miss the elaborate whiffle ball games and the detailed statistics we managed to keep up with.  And the days we rounded third and dove for home on the slip and slide.

There was plenty more to life back then…finding crawdads and golfballs, cutting trails, shoplifting gum from the Li’l General, but when I think back, its baseball that dominates in memory, and I miss it the way it was.  

 

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Mississippi Writers

Posted on June 23, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day       “History has remembered kings and warriors, because they destroyed; art has remembered the people, because they created.”      — Willie Morris

I had occasion to enjoy an overnight stay at the Alluvian Hotel in Greenwood on Saturday.  It’s quite nice, and the staff is beyond question the friendliest I’ve ever encountered, and the rooms are cool.  I was underwhelmed by dinner, though, which was a surprise considering its a Viking outpost.  But breakfast was excellent, featuring some of the best biscuits this connoisseur has ever sampled.  And after, I looked over the Alluvian’s impressive collection of books by Mississippians.  

I started wondering how I’d rank the great Mississippi writers and also how many I could recall off hand. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

  1. William Faulkner has to be number one.  And I even like most of his books.  Possibly his most famous is “The Sound and the Fury.”  It’s been over ten years since I last tried that one, and I have to confess, I’ve never made it past the first chapter.  Guess I’ll try again.  I expect Faulkner would be pretty impressed with the Snopes’ foray in to myth-busting decades after his passing.
  2. Eudora Welty, I guess.  I never read any of her work, and probably won’t any time soon.  Maybe its good, who knows.  All I know is she liked to go to the post office and the Jitney Jungle.
  3. Willie Morris should still be writing.  I have read most of his books, some twice, and the guy was really good.  Its curious that his fiction never took off.  I guess truth was stranger.  The one annoying thing about Willie is that so many people claim him as a runnin buddy.  I bet he hated most of those dudes.
  4. John Grisham.  Yes it is the fashion to dismiss his work because of the style of his best books.  And yes, he went through some years where the obligatory blockbuster was pure junk.  But recently he’s taken on some important and misunderstood subjects.  I can’t even bring myself to read his latest, The Appeal, because I’ve been forewarned about just how true it is.  And I know if its so, Grisham has the talent to raise my blood pressure past the point of comfort.  
  5. Walker Percy wrote “The Moviegoer” which is widely cited by hipsters as the best of the Mississippi books and “The Last Gentleman” which is noted by no one.  But Travellinbaen likes them both, and is saving a favorite quote from the latter for an appropriate post.
  6. Larry Brown wrote “Fay”, which I liked, and Barry Hannah wrote “Bats Out of Hell” which I read.  They are/were both Oxonians and for awhile were part of the literary superiority complex coming out of that town; though both were far outsiders from the polite mythical society of which Oxford and its school are so proud.  So I kind of like them both.
  7. Jimmy Buffett has written several novels and some autobiographical books. I have read all but his most recent, and I think they are hilarious.  Jimmy will sneak some wisdom in when you’re not looking too.  With Willie Morris gone, its an easy choice for Jimmy as the Mississippian I’d most like to get drunk with and talk to some dark and stormy night.
  8. Donna Tartt gets in the rankings because she went to some elite Northeastern liberal college and she seems really weird.  The Secret History is good, and strange, and makes me wish I’d had enough college time to spend a year or two at one of those schools down east.
  9. Greg Iles wrote two historical novels revolving around World War II, but he apparently liked them a lot less than I did.  He turned to murder mysteries, including the book “24 Hours” from which the Fox series with half the same name stole a great idea.
  10. And number 10 is reserved for whoever else I can think of.  Robert Harris and his trilogy including “Silence of the Lambs”, Elizabeth Spencer who wrote one of my favorite sentences ever about the Mississippi Coast–one which she now needs to update.  Margaret Walker Alexander and Richard Wright are supposed to be great, but I’ve not read them so I can’t move them higher.  Stephen Ambrose wrote “Band of Brothers” and a lot of other historical books.  He has been accused of being a plagiarizer, and I don’t know if its true, but if so, he stole some good stuff.  I love all of his books. Ace Atkins is writing detective novels, and I need to check him out because I’ve read some magazine essays of his that were good.  The last I can think of is Jill Connor Browne and those sweet potato books.  For the most part I find her and her merry band of followers slightly ridiculous, but I’ll rank her because I once got the better of her by turning down the opportunity to fly in her chartered plane to Little Rock and watch her give a speech.  I’ll always treasure the look of revulsion, shock, and suspicion with which she regarded me.  But a sycophant, Travellinbaen ain’t.
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Things That Give Me a Charge….the lesser list

Posted on June 20, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day           “ “That,” I said to Yasmin as I polished off the last succulent lobster claw–and by the way, don’t you love it when you are able to draw the flesh of the claw out of the shell whole and pinky-red in one piece?  There is some kind of tiny personal triumph in that.  I may be childish, but I experience a similar triumph when I succeed in getting a walnut out of its shell without breaking it in two.  As a matter of fact, I never approach a walnut without this particular ambition in mind.  Life is more fun if you play games. But back to Yasmin–”            — Roald Dahl, My Uncle Oswald

The passage above came to mind this evening as I struck a particularly pleasing vein of marshmallow in my Phish Food.  It is the little things that can really make your day. Well, the big things can make your day too, but how often do the big things come around?  If we don’t delight in the little things that give us a charge we’ll spend a lot of time stuck in neutral or worse waiting around on those big things.  Anyway, it got me thinking about what some of those little things were.  There are too many to catalog, but here are a few, not counting a good marshmallow vein in your ice cream and Dahl’s two contributions.

I love it when someone else suggests pizza.  It’s doubly good when they say something like, “you don’t mind if it doesn’t have veggies, do you?”  A low hanging oversized orange full moon just around nightfall always surprises me and gives me joy.  I usually feel the need to call someone to go outside and check it out so I can share the moment.  Seeing a deer, a rabbit or some other wild animal when I’m driving through the woods, especially if I spot it before my passenger feels like a small triumph; but even if you see it second, so long as you see it, you share the feeling.  To miss out on such a sighting is to suffer inglorious defeat, if only for a fraction of a second.  Another way to get a shared electrical charge in the car is to answer a companion’s query on the name of a band or a song;  it is almost as good to get the answer from someone else when the information is so close to the output area of your brain that it almost causes physical pain, only to be released in a rush of endorphins when the brain lock is untangled.  This is doubly good if you answer the question via unexpected phone call, and triple points if they are in a bar with friends.  Just a few more things–hitting nothing but net, even if your not playing a game; walking in to the movie just as the lights begin to dim; zooming through that light you always seem to catch; the sound of a pop tab on an icy cold beer–it sounds different than one coming off a soda, I swear; and waking up and seeing your clock shows two, when you were certain it would be more like four.

Maybe on some Monday I’ll indulge in the dark side and post about the little things that drive you insane. But its Friday night, and the very idea of that always gives me a charge.  And life is good.

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Bicycling Baen

Posted on June 19, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day    “You ever take it off any sweet jumps?”     — Napoleon Dynamite

I went for my inaugural ride today on my new bike.  Though I have ridden a bike approximately seven times since I turned fifteen, for some reason I recently decided bicycling was going to be my route to enhanced physical fitness and mental health.  I feel well on the way to achieving the desired results and the thoughts of Butthead from the classic MTV cartoon come to mind.  “A couple of more days of this and I’m going to be totally ripped.”  Or something to that effect.

I was also inspired to take up this new hobby by a fortuitous intermingling of several other events.  As discussed some days ago, I have a class reunion coming up.  I think I’ve lost just about all the weight I can by altering my diet, but I’d really like to drop another five over the next few weeks.  It is highly unlikely that anyone will care about my aging, soft physique, but I’d still like to maximize my presentation.  I wonder if class reunions were held every year instead of every 5-10 if the collective health of the nation would improve.  I dare say it would.

My current hometown, Ridgeland, also played a part in this new interest.  I typically despise small town politics, but I have to give credit where it is due.  Our city council is doing some nice town planning, no small part of which has been the construction of bike paths. Bike paths are a true indicator of the liveability of a community.  In this part of the country, they are typically present only in resort towns and affluent communties, and I suppose Ridgeland qualifies for the latter.  Whenever I have been in a town with them, I’ve always found the town to have a lot going for it.  I know these paths are more common out west, and the accessibility of outdoor activities like this are but one reason I’ve always wanted to move out there. Anyway, if my town was going to eviscerate one of my reasons for griping about living there, by God, I guess I better participate.

And finally, gas prices are so damned high, I figured if I used the bike in place of driving just once or twice a month it would be worth it.  I don’t know if its so, but I am under the impression Europeans commonly use the bicycle for short trips and errands.  It seems kind of cool.  And green.  Hopefully my new bike and I can pick up a bit of that coolness and greenness.

Finally, I share with you a vignette from today’s ride.  Cruising down Ridgeland’s fine trail system with my unscratched bike, and bicycle shop water bottle advertising my newbie biking status, I happened upon three attractive young girls out for a ride.  As I passed them, I heard one say, “over to the left, a real biker is passing.”  Well, you can imagine this sat very well with me and further vindicated my choice of new hobby. Silver-tounged devil that I am, as I passed I gave my million megawatt smile and smoothly asked, “Ya’ll having fun?”  I was rewarded by three patronizing grins and a perfunctory, in unison, “yes sir.”  

And away I sped.

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Things I’d Like Someone to Explain to Me

Posted on June 18, 2008 by travellinbaen
  1. Why do people jump all over John McCain for saying he doesn’t know much about economics?  It’s one of the few things I applaud him for.  I’d much rather have the President be candid with himself about his strengths and weaknesses than to fake it.  Haven’t we had enough of a President faking it?  After all, the head man’s primary job to my way of thinking is to choose good advisers.  What McCain needs to do is seek out the top economic minds in his party, meet with them, learn the basics of their philosophies, and choose one to be his Senior Advisor.  So let’s not run down this rabbit hole. There is plenty of fertile ground on which to criticize McCain without using this.  
  2. Why isn’t there some sort of outcry from someone besides me about the mileage reimbursement rate the IRS is using?  Am I the only one that drives in his job?  When gas was about $1.10/gallon, I was getting 30 cents a mile.  Gas has almost quadrupled, definitely more than tripled, and the allowance is only up to 50 and 1/2 cents.  This benefits big business in paying out less than value to travelling employees and the government by lowering the amount deductible on taxes.   Thanks again neo-cons.  
  3. If life begins at conception, and this is an important part of the Republican platform, why didn’t the Republicans pass a law entitling parents to claim a tax deduction for their little fetus if it was conceived in one year, but born the next?  Has no one at Cato thought of this?  
  4. Why would someone want to drive the same speed, side by side, with another vehicle on the interstate?
  5. That first guy that thought about making sausage.  How hungry was he?  (No doubt in my mind it was a he).  How smart was this guy?  If he had put his mind to something like physics how far advanced would mankind be now?
  6. That first guy that thought about making words and pictures and instant communication out of 1’s and 0’s.  How crazy smart was this guy?  (may have been a girl for all I know).  And how far back would mankind be if he’d put his mind to something like stretching his food budget a little further by using hooves and snouts?
  7. Why are there so many people out there that still send me emails that end with some variation of the line, send this to 5 people and you will (select one)__win money; __have good luck __have bad luck if you don’t; __save a little girl; __get a free meal at Applebees;  __save the world from liberals like travellinbaen?  And why haven’t these people bookmarked Snopes yet?
  8. Who starts chain emails, urban myths, and traffic jams?
  9. What program, major or minor have liberals passed at the Federal level without Republican help since the 1970’s?  I would argue none since Republicans had the Presidency from 1980 to 1992 and 2000-2008, a Republican majority in Congress from 1994-2006, and a filibuster proof Senate since 06.  The one chance the liberals had was during Clinton’s first two years and all they managed was to allow gays to stay in the military where they had always been.  So here’s what I’d like explained:  how can someone say the liberals or radicals are going to be so bad?  I’d like to see them pass something radical myself–Social Security, the Clean Water Act, OSHA, establishment of EPA, the Civil Rights Act…these radical plans turned out ok.  The Republicans sure didn’t abolish any of them when they were ascendant, though to be fair, a few did talk about getting rid of Social Security briefly.
  10. Math
Quote of the Day      “To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge.”  –Benjamin Disraeli
Bonus Quote of the Day      “A question that sometimes drives me hazy:  am I or others crazy?”     –Albert Einstein
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Pot Luck

Posted on June 17, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day       “The best way to forget one’s self is to look at the world with attention and love.”     Red Auerbach

The Boston Celtics are just a few minutes away from becoming NBA Champions.  I was a big Celtics fan as a kid, all the way through the 80’s.  As the Celtics faded and the era of Jordan began, I lost interest in the NBA, and find myself complaining about how its not the same game it was back in the good ole days.  Same thing I used to hear about my late 70’s-80’s NBA back in the day.  Anyway, I guess I’m the ultimate fair weather fan, because I jumped back on the bandwagon during the Detroit series.  At least I can truly say I never adopted another team while the Celts stunk it up for twenty years.  Pretty sweet that MY Celtics held off the zenmaster from passing Red too.  17th Green, Baby.

Arkansas road trippin, part deux, occurred this week.  I had some time to burn, so I detoured through the northern part of the state, off the main roads to get a look at the hills and rivers I’ve heard so much about. It was pretty nice, I must say, and I’d love to have a few days to go do some canoeing and fishing.  The roads were good, and not burdened with traffic, but the Arkansas Highway Department’s signage and the coordination with Mapquest and Rand McNally was the worst I’ve ever experienced.  Of course, I get the feeling most people heading to the places I was cruising through may know where they are going.  Phrased a bit differently, I don’t think they get too many out of towners in Evening Shade (Burt ain’t there), and Harriet, and Cave City.  Calico was a pretty neat looking town though.  Never seen so many deer and rabbits either–I wouldn’t take those roads after dark.  And maybe there would be dueling banjo’s to worry about too.

Finally, how did anyone drive any place longer than 20 minutes before satellite radio.  I swear, I will melt down if XM and Sirius aren’t allowed to merge and survive, or if at least one of them can’t make it solo. Personally, I think they are both the victims of anti-trust  violations rather than a monopolistic risk.  Think about it.  The reason they are hurting is the high price of programming.  But why is it that only one of the two can air the NFL, NBA, MLB, etc?  Both Direct TV and Dish can air these.  So can Comcast and Time-Warner.  And Clear-Channel and whatever other terrestrial radio owner there is.  

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Things Learned From Dad….of slightly lesser import

Posted on June 15, 2008 by travellinbaen
  1. When you’re on vacation, ice cream joints are a good place to go for supper.
  2. Always get the end seat on the pew at church–then you can slump back, and to the left.
  3. The words “reckon”, “bursitis”, and the phrase “liked to-a”.  For instance, “I reckon I’ll be fine, but I liked to-a thrown my arm out trying to pitch to you while my bursitis was acting up.”  Which makes me wonder…why don’t we celebrate the person who stamped out bursitis?  I haven’t heard many people claiming this particular affliction in quite awhile.
  4. How to throw a knuckleball.  It’s one of the few ways I can still prove my man card bona-fides to other dudes. I can make that sucker dance, bursitis or not.
  5. When someone is grilling pork on low heat and basting with a vinegar based sauce, keep an eye out for the little pieces that flake off and sit on the grill all day.  They look burned but they aren’t, thanks to the vinegar (or so the old man said).  That’s good eatin.  You had to be there–that’s the best I can describe it.
  6. During the Civil War near Phoenix in Yazoo County, MS, food got scarce when the Yankees came through.  The locals were forced to brew tea and make salad with Poke berries.  Poke salad.  And I’m pretty sure my Dad doesn’t even know the song inspired by this delicacy.  This is something else I learned that I’m not really certain is true.  Here is a picture of the poke berry taken in Phoenix:
  7. Buy cherries in Michigan, maple syrup in Vermont, and peaches in Georgia.  Anybody knows these things, right?  But how about apples in Virginia, strawberries in Alabama and oranges in Louisiana. That’s good knowledge right there.
  8. If for some reason you were to go jogging and you found yourself wearing black socks with your white shoes and shorts, own it.
  9. That the NBA is fixed.
  10. Red Oak Trees are worth a lot more than White Oak Trees.  
And a couple of bonus gems from some other folks’ Dads:
All ties loses.  Also, us boys better get an education and go in to business for ourselves.  We might not be cut out for working for somebody else.  Thanks Waldo.
And finally, gettin new windshield wipers is livin high on the hog. 
Happy Father’s Day.  I reckon I’ve typed enough for one day.  Time to go eat some peaches and ice cream for lunch.  And get ready for the big Celtics-Lakers game.
Quote of the Day:       “Work isn’t supposed to be fun.  If it was fun, they’d call it “fun” instead of work.”      — Dad
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Blonde Joke

Posted on June 13, 2008 by travellinbaen

A blonde just texted me and asked, “What does IDK stand for?”

I said, “I don’t know.”

She replied, “OMG, nobody does!”

Thanks to Jessie Lou McFaul for this submission.  I promised to publish it today.  Keep singing and writing JLM, you’ll hit the bigtime soon I know.

Bonus Quote of the Day:   “I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.”     –Dolly Parton

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Things that Piss Me Off

Posted on June 13, 2008 by travellinbaen

Quote of the Day:    “Be not disturbed at trifles, or accidents common or unavoidable.”   — Benjamin Franklin

It’s Friday afternoon, and I feel great.  But this was a week in which I found myself disproportionately angry about several things.  In the spirit of fellowship, to cleanse my own spirit prior to the weekend, and because I’ll not be on the spirits to expound on these things tonight, I share these gripes with the world.

  1. 9/10’s of a penny tacked on to every freakin gallon of gas.  Is this really necessary?  How much of Exxon’s profit is the result of that fraction, hidden right there in plain sight, and subconsciously accepted by humankind as normal.
  2. Dollar coins.  I think they are kind of cool.  I’ve never seen one in circulation.  Is the idea to really use them or is it a cheap government trick trotted out every few years to ensnare me the random idiot collector.  If we are going to have a dollar coin, let’s at least curtail the production of paper bills, enough so that people will have no choice but to use the coin once in a while. Then at least my a collector’s shiny coin will have some aesthetic advantage over some dollar coins.  Where have you gone Sacagewa and Susan B. Anthony?
  3. Insurance companies.  And their agents.  And their lawyers.  And secretaries. And stockholders.  Screw you all.
  4. Anti-global warming fanatics.  I really don’t think a reasonable person can lay high gas prices, casualties in Iran, steroids in baseball and the Lakers’ collapse all at Al Gore’s feet.  But I’ll be damned if I don’t get at least one email a week blaming almost anything you can think of on Al Gore and his cause.  We all know that global warming IS the cause of all these things, right?  That’s the irony.  It is delicious.
  5. Aging.  Sometimes its hard for me to remember it beats the heck out of the alternative.  But it still sucks.
  6. My dead grass and bloomless crepe myrtles.  Especially bad considering the neighbors yard–dq’d from being yard of the month for winning too many times.
  7. Choosing poorly which lane is going fastest.  
  8. LSU fans.  Not because they are supposed to be obnoxious.  Because they have good teams.  What stroke of luck allowed them to be born in a state that decided only one college needed to play good football back in 1897.  Sorry Tulane.  Same goes for Tennessee, and Arkansas.  And Nebraska.  And Ohio State for Pete’s sake.  Ya’ll all piss me off.
  9. Runners.  Admit it….what really turns you on is showing up the rest of us.  Come on Adam, admit it.
  10. Bad attitudes.  Piss.  Me.  Off.
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