The TBU Political Consultants Get a Car

Quotes of the Day:

When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil”     —James Carville

What we see and what we all do on cable TV is not what people in the real world want to hear.” –Mary Matalin

The recession busted TBU political consultants are back. You first met them as marriage counselors, then they rewrote the rulebook for football. Now they are talking cars.

TB (8 years ago)–Jaycee, Emmsquare, here’s a car. It’s yours. To share. In 8 years I’ll want to hear your thoughts so I can post them on the blog I will undoubtedly start in the future.

MM–Thanks TB. I already love it. It’s the greatest car God could’ve ever given anyone in the whole world.

TB–But I gave it to you.

MM–<blank stare>

JC–I know you won’t believe this, but I think its the greatest car in the whole world too.

TB–I finally found something you two could agree on. Let’s hold hands and sing God Bless America.

—–8 years later—–

TB–Ok guys, how has the car been? Still think its the greatest car in the whole world?

MM and JC (together)–Absolutely.

JC–I do have a few, um, suggestions though. Emm had the car first and put a lot of miles on it even though she promised she wouldn’t if I would just give her control first. And by the time it was my turn to drive it there were a few scratches on it. She didn’t take very good care of it frankly.

MM–Well, let’s tell him the whole story shall we? The first thing you did when you got to drive was start whining about how it could do so much more. First you added speakers. Then you had to install a cell phone. Then a DVD player for the back seat so the little people could enjoy the car a little more. It was starting to get really expensive to operate.

JC–Now that’s just a matter of perspective. Since I didn’t drive the wheels off on ill conceived expeditions away from town the actual cost of the car while I was in charge was even lower than it had been when you had it. Plus, I improved it.

MM–So you say, but you fail to take into account that these so-called improvements will cost money in perpetuity. The little people aren’t going to be satisfied with only one DVD. This expense alone will grow exponentially through the years.

TB–Hmmmm. Interesting. So who’s driving the car now?

JC–I am. And the car is in really bad shape, but its not my fault. She thought it was just fine to keep driving the car even though there was an oil leak. “I’ll just add more” she kept saying. Then the oil ran out one time when the price was really high and there was a ton of damage done. So you might not like how the car is running now, but remember, I inherited this mess.

MM–Oh please. How much longer are you going to keep using that excuse. You’ve had the car long enough to make repairs and just haven’t gotten around to it.

JC–Repairs are on my agenda. But the first thing I had to do when I got the keys back was add a satellite radio to bring us into the modern age. And you had neglected the little ones’ DVD collection so I had to update that. I’ve gone to the bank to get a loan for the major repairs and the money should be here any day.

MM–All of that is a waste of time. What we need to do is park this car in the garage and quit using it at all.

JC–That is completely asinine. A car is a tool and must be used and maintained. If you had been a little more concerned with keeping it good shape when you were driving we wouldn’t be having this discussion. It’s only due to my constant tinkering that the car will even run any more. Besides, when you are driving you never want it parked.

MM–You hate our car. TB, I have it on good authority he asked a panel of mechanics down at the union hall if we should kill the car.

JC–YOU LIE! TB, you wanna know who she’s associating with now? I saw her at a tea party at the country club just the other day. One of her best friends stated publicly that Emm should get her own car and completely disassociate herself with this car.

MM–Look TB, Im’ma let you talk in just a minute, but I just wanna say, this car was a lot better in the beginning, everybody knows that. I hardly recognize the thing any more. He doesn’t use it at all like you intended. And you remember where the car was when we first got it? In the garage. Where it needs to stay. The best cars are the ones used least.

TB–I’m guessing neither of you think this is the best car in the world any more?

JC–Of course not. It’s the greatest car in the world.

MM–To suggest otherwise is patently absurd.

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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4 Responses to The TBU Political Consultants Get a Car

  1. Samsmama says:

    Whenever I read or hear the name Mary Matalin for some reason I think of Marlee Matlin. That being said, any “speaking” part she had in this post came across to me in that hearing impaired way that she talks. Honestly, that added to the funny.

    And if I wasn’t laughing hard enough, when she went all Kanye I about lost it!

    Very well done!

  2. Mary Matalin? Purely coincidental choice of quote. The characters are entirely fictional. However, I am thinking I should make Mar–I mean MM have the voice of Marlee Matlin from now on. It adds a whole new dimension.

    Thanks for laughing.

  3. First, I laughed at what you wrote. Then, I laughed even harder imagining SM reading this with Marlee Matlin’s voice.

    Y’all should employ that method on all posts.

  4. Jessie Lou says:

    Great on all fronts from writing to comments. After watching a murder trial yesterday I needed a good laugh.

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