Reinventing Football With Modern Day Politicos

Quote of the Day:

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think its important. –Eugene McCarthy

What drives TB batty about political discourse is the complete disconnect between any two opposite numbers in a public debate and the resultant understanding gap between the two sides’ respective devotees. Is it possible that only one side is really ALWAYS right, or even more than three quarters of the time? Is there EVER more than one way to go about achieving a goal? In the gaping chasms of TB’s prematurely aging, long ago alcohol addled brain matter lies the answer. It is buried in a sports analogy (is there any other sort?). I leave it to you, gentle reader, to draw from it what you may. My query–What if a modern day Beck disciple and a Kossack his opposite had been tasked a century ago to developing the rules for football? I think the game would look something like this:

Lib-Well, here we are Con. You don’t like it. I don’t like it. But we have a job to do. How do you think we should kick things off? Maybe flip a coin to see who goes first and take turns making a rule?

Con–I go first.

Lib–In the spirit of cooperation I think you should go first.

Con–That counts as your first rule. You broke procedure so now I get to make two rules.

Lib–THAT’s NOT TRUE! Your allegations are factually unsupported and scandalous. This is so unfair. Ok, make your two rules.

Con–Quarterback will be the most important position on the field. If he gets injured hit at all, there will be an automatic timeout for the medical staff to attend to him. And no hitting him above the shoulders or below the waste. And if you get his uniform dirty it is a penalty.

Con–Next, linemen have to play both ways. Nobody will even notice, and by using 5 guys to do the work of 10 we will be able to carry an additional quarterback on the roster. And if a lineman gets hurt he will be dragged off the premises with haste.

Lib–(sighs) Ok, here’s mine–Everybody on the team, even the FIVE linemen must score at least one touchdown per year.

Con–You are trying to ruin this game! You hate football! In spite of you, I have an idea that can save the game, but be warned, one day I will destroy you. Heathen.

Lib–<blank stare>

Con–There are no ties, only winners and losers. If the score is tied at the end of regulation we will have an overtime and it will be named (sneers devilishly, pauses to heighten the lib’s fearful anticipation)…….SUDDEN DEATH. Other words that will be incorporated into the game include “blitz”, “bomb”, “bullet”…..ummm, let’s go old school with “sack”……..and…….oh yeah, “hail Mary.” (insert diabolical laughter here.)

Lib–Very well. When a player drops a ball and the other team recovers we will call it a “giveaway.” When the quarterback gives the ball to someone else to run it will be a “handout.” All players on a team, including the quarterback will be issued “uniform” clothing to wear.

Con–Commit three penalties and you’re banned for life. The ball will be constructed from the skin of a pig. A live pig. The rest of the pig will go to pregame meal with the quarterbacks getting their fill of the loins and the ribs, then taking home whatever leftovers they want, plus some bacon to freeze and ALL the rest can be divided amongst the rest of the team. Unless the quarterbacks need some sausage.

Lib–Play calling is subject to a popular election. If one side gets more points than the other the referees will award bonus points immediately; alternatively, points can be taken away from the high scoring team and awarded to the lesser.

Con–Well played, sir. Well played. I think we’re done here. My part of the game will totally rock and I have no doubt in my, um, my thinking place, that before the end of four seasons your rules will be exposed as a fraud and I will be allowed to impose my God given will on the game to form a more perfect union league.

Lib–I realize we’ve made all the rules, but I just want you to consider a couple of ideas I’ve been tinkerin with. I was sort of hoping we could improve the game with some bipartisan cooperation. The first one I call the “forward pass.”

Con–You can never be satisfied, can you. It’s because deep down you hate football. You hate that America loves watching the complex beauty that is the game as we’ve always known it. The run off tackle right. Off tackle left. And of course, good ol’ up the middle (chuckling to self–heh,heh, that one always works).

Lib–I’m guessing you’re not gonna be open to letting both sides have a ball at the same time.

Con–Fascist.

Lib–I’m not a fascist. You’re a fascist.

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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13 Responses to Reinventing Football With Modern Day Politicos

  1. Mac says:

    This article has an unjust liberal slant. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Workinbaen says:

    Ha! To be expected…feel free to add your own jokes, when I sell the screenplay you will get royalties.

  3. Madd Dawg says:

    Lib—we also need to test all players’ speed and strength on a regular basis. If a guy is slow or weak, we will hire a speed/conditioning/training instructer for him which will be paid for by the fast and/or strong guys as their speed/strength is obviously the result of some unfair advantage that they have.

    Con—an “unfair” advantage like work ethic or a competative determination to be the best that they can be?

    Lib—may I please finish my rule? thank you.
    If a guy is fast, then we will force him to wear weights during games sufficient to slow him down to where he is average speed. If a guy is strong, we will prevent him from working out and restrict his protein intake in order to reduce his strength. That will make the game more fair as we will not tolerate excellence, only mediocrity.

  4. Con–It’s a deal, but in the event an unimportant player, like say, someone who is not the quarterback, begins to excel they will either be turned in to a quarterback immediately or they will be forced to wear leg weights to slow them down and thus restrict their upward mobility.

  5. Madd Dawg says:

    Lib–Fine. And teams will not be allowed to have playbooks, coaches or hold any practices. That will make sure that planning, responsibility, organization, strategy and hard work is not rewarded in this league.

  6. workinbaen says:

    Good thing politicians and talk show hosts weren’t involved in football rulemaking I’d say.

  7. Zeek says:

    You got that right!!!

  8. Madd Dawg says:

    Lib—and of course we will use affirmative action to pick all of the players as that is really the only fair way to do it. If tryouts based upon skill level caused the roster to be any different, that would obviously be the result of some unfair advantage.
    And each position will be analyzed separately for each team so that one race would not be concentrated at one position and left out of another. Therefore, 12% of players at each position on each team must be african-american, 13% of players at each position on each team must be hispanic, and 2% of players at each position on each team musy be of Asian descent with thre rest being Caucasian.

  9. Madd Dawg says:

    Lib—Beer will not be sold at the games either as stats show that men who drink are more likely to engage in spousal abuse, and women who drink are more likely to engage in behavior that they later regret. Further, beer consumption leads to increased flatulation which is bad for the environment and causes global warming.

    Obviously no meat products will be sold at the game as the league will not encourage the slaughter of animals. In fact, no foods which are high in fat content will be sold at the game as those are bad for you. No bottled water will be sold as those create too much waste, but feel free to drink from the sinks in the bathroom.

    Boy, this is going to be great!!!

  10. Workinbaen says:

    I ain’t gonna lie md, my stuff is funnier. No royalties for you.

  11. Madd Dawg says:

    My intent, as always, is not to be funny but, rather, to point out the ridiculous nature of left-wing causes.

  12. Jessie Lou says:

    Well, I’m laughing at both of you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. sweet says:

    MD, looking at your percentages, those teams will suck

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