If Political Consultants Became Marriage Counselors

Quote of the Day:

You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one–I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”        —Glenn Beck

TB enjoys a good debate. Though I won’t do it lightly, I’m even open to changing my position on most any matter, if given enough factual justification to do so. I do not, however, respond to arguments involving name calling, accusations of lunacy, or simple volume. Nor am I impressed by theories. It’s not that I don’t subscribe to certain theories myself, but I don’t get heartburn when my theory fails to change someone’s mind unless I can support it with a lot more evidence than the opposing theory can muster, and I’m not accepting anyone else’s theory unless the same threshold is met. Mainly, I am repelled by arguments that to me are based on obvious fallacies and falsities. In politics, because it works, I find almost all discussion useless mainly because the arguments set forth by the talking heads and the news reported by the media is so often off the mark and disingenuous.

The health insurance “debate” is a perfect example of this. The left tells us everyone can get coverage with no tax increases and no care delivery issues and the right tells us….well, mainly they are sending thugs to town hall meetings to shout down speakers, but when they argue it is that the government wants to get between you and your doctor, provide mass abortions and let old people die without care. It’s all lies. Neither side is willing to concede the obvious points favoring the other–that our system needs major overhaul, that too much health care money is being wasted on corporate profits for companies acting only as middle men and that to overhaul it will cost a lot of money and ultimately will drastically reduce the size of the private health insurance industry, costing a good many jobs and a significant stockholder loss. But this post isn’t about that.

I was visualizing this morning what a family discussion over personal budgets would look like if a couple outsourced the debate to political consultants. It would go something like this:

Husband Proxy–Dear, I just read an article suggesting couples don’t go out to eat often enough and when we do we seldom go for steaks. Maybe we should go have a steak this weekend.

Wife Proxy–Steaks are expensive. Are you sure that’s a good idea?

HP–They are only expensive in the short term. Compared to lunchmeat, they are actually quite healthy if we go with grain fed beef. So if by eating a steak we skip all the chemicals and salt from our ham sandwiches we will save money in the long run on health care. To say nothing of the mayonnaise we use on our sandwiches–the more I think about it, the more I think eating steak is like giving ourselves free money.

WP--I think maybe you are just being a pork-ist. In fact, I recall that you made more than one pork-ist joke back when we were dating.

HP–There you go playing the tired old species card.

WP–It’s not just that. We already have a package of ham in the fridge. If we don’t eat it all by the due date we’ll have to throw it out and  that would be waste. There is far too much waste in this household and its due to your insistence on “change” in our meal plans.

HP–So now you are telling me you don’t believe in free competition! I am expected to forgo a delicious meal just so a lesser food won’t sit around doing nothing? That’s fascist! And socialist too!

WP–Do you even know what those words mean?

HP–NO! But they are really bad! Why, do you?

WP–Of course not, but it involves Germany.

HP–Oh, that’s a snide reference to the Black Forest isn’t it? This isn’t about what’s right at all is it? You are getting coupons for ham and not reporting it!

WP–Oh yeah? Well how do you know that beef is even grain fed? Have you seen a certificate of proof? I think you are playing the fool for the cow lobby and in your perfect little idealistic tasty delicious world refuse to see that the cows are out to get us all.

HP–Nine out of ten waiters in this town recommend the grain fed beef. Anyone who can’t see that is an excellent choice is simply a fringe element.

WP–I just realized…this isn’t about the steak OR the ham. You hate my mayonnaise. This is all just a smokescreen to reduce the amount of mayonnaise we use. YOU, SIR, are a pork-ist, mayo-ist, um, communist….ummm….PIG!

HP–Now that’s a low blow dear. Some of my favorite dishes contain mayonnaise.

Wife–Come on babe. Let’s go out for ice cream.

Husband–Should we bring Carville and Matalin?

Husband and Wife– <Blank Stare>

HP and WP– <waiting hopefully>

Husband and Wife <Leaving without HP and WP>

HP–You think they ought to get chocolate or vanilla?

WP–Oh I KNOW what you think about white foods………………….

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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12 Responses to If Political Consultants Became Marriage Counselors

  1. Samsmama says:

    My husband and I had this same arguement the other night. In the end, we went out for steak. Way more filling than a sandwich.

    Excellent!

  2. GoulaGirl says:

    Never have to argue with hubby on this one. STEAK wins every time!

    TB, I’d like to see you follow this up with a continuation of the conversation & maybe throw a little “global warming” argument in there. Inevitably, those two little words come up in Congress quite often. Wonder how the HP & WP would hash that out!

  3. Heh, you’re talkin MD’s language GG. And if you read closely, there IS a small global warming argument buzz phrase/joke in there, though to be fair its not really that funny.

    SM, all I know is you and the mister eat well, especially on weekends. But that MIL of yours feasts on crow.

  4. Jessie Lou says:

    At our house the subject would have to be guns and ammo, although I don’t think I am qualified to argue with him about it. Not that I would let that stop me! I would wing it for the sake of the argument itself.

  5. quail09 says:

    THAT (the winging it for argument’s sake) i’m SURE of!!!

  6. Jessie Lou says:

    I can wing it on any subject – I am a Byrd afterall. 🙂

  7. quail09 says:

    and……for argument’s sake

  8. Jessie Lou says:

    I am a champion debater and have references on this website. Daddy always said I would argue with a fencepost. I thought that was a compliment …..

  9. irvineredd says:

    So that explains a lot about me, JL.

  10. Jessie Lou says:

    I am proud to say you act like our side of the family!

  11. Harmony says:

    Fanstastic post TB..loved every bit of it!

    • Sowmya says:

      //இதற க என ன அர த தம ? இத உங கள அகர த ய ல அன ப ன வ ர த த ய ?என ன ட ய ஒர பத வ அல லத ப ன ன ட டம வத ய ர ய வத த க க எழ தப பட ட இர ப பத க ச ல ல ம ட ய ம ?இத என ன ந க க வ க க ஒர க ரணம வத ச ல ல ம ட ய ம ?//That is why, you come under the category of ‘Cowards’.A coguraeous TP should use boldly all such words that are used against Arul here. Against Christians, against Muslims, against all anti brahmins. Dondu Ragavan keeps blogs for them to use gutter Tamil.A true TP should hate Muslims and Christians and their religions and their Gods, Prophets etc. Like a Jihadi believes if he kills kafirs, he can sit at the feet of Allah, a true TP believes that Siva, Murugan, Pillaiyaar will bless them, only if they open a blog to abuse Islam and Christianity, or give hyperlink to such blogs in Dondu Ragavan’s blog.If you use fair and decent language against him / them, when Arul or they criticise your caste, you are a coward. You are a pesudo TP or a pesudo Hindu. Go and lick the feet of muslims and christians.But you wont deserve to be called a coward if and when you have to use abusive lanuguage to your rival who has already used abusive language against you. That is justified on ethical grounds.

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