Quote of the Day In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan. —Ralphie (as adult), A Christmas Story
You’ve seen the same old Christmas movies, specials and cartoons a hundred times, at least. Maybe some of them you still actually enjoy and don’t merely watch out of a misguided sense of tradition. Maybe you watch just to pass on the curse blessing of these traditions to your children. Maybe you watch because the remote is across the room. Whatever the reason, you’re gonna be seeing wall to wall Christmas on television for the next few days. Here’s a suggestion for a new way to watch; one that will give you renewed interest and perspective in your old worn out viewing habits favorites. This Christmas, be on the lookout for the subtle political messages that you may have never previously noticed while waiting to find out if the other reindeer will, in fact, allow Rudolph to join in any reindeer games. If I missed any, let me know.
- A Christmas Story–It should be obvious to even the most novice cynic that this timeless classic is little more than a propaganda filled missive sponsored by the NRA and its gun proliferation agenda. Start em young.
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer–an early and largely unsuccessful green energy puff piece. It failed primarily because most kids thought Rudolph was the biggest wuss they’d ever seen.
- The Nutcracker–A wildly successful NOW production that has resulted in the testicular shrinkage of countless Dads through the years. Fortunately for the species, it only ensnares those of us blessed with daughters. TB is already mentally steeling myself for the inevitable day of lessening. I’ve got a couple of more years though.
- Bad Santa–Another unsuccessful Southern Baptist effort to do away with the jolly old elf by planting the idea he is but a drunken, boorish rogue instead of a harmless, friendly trespasser. How could they have known the rogue would have such mass appeal?
- Christmas Vacation–This complex, deeply moving flick could not have been made had the producers not run short of cash. The plumbers’ union kicked in an entire decade’s publicity budget and asked only for this scene to be included to remind people of the important, often forgotten role their members play in the production we call life. Thanks to Supercynic for posting about this a month or so ago and reminding me of the scene. Look closely, that’s Joe the Plumber in an early public appearance. Click here to watch.
- Elf–If this isn’t a movie designed to humanize the deadbeat dad I don’t know what else it could be. Seriously, wouldn’t you consider abandoning that kid?
- A Christmas Carol–Admit it all you conservatives–when you see Tiny Tim, you start thinking universal health care might not be so bad after all.
- Frosty the Snowman–If this one doesn’t make you consider the consequences of global warming, you’re just not trying hard enough.
- Schwetty Balls–Actually, I can think of nothing about this that’s political. But it may be the funniest SNL sketch of all time (future blog post alert). Click here to watch.
- It’s a Wonderful Life–Bailouts. If this one doesn’t inject just a bit of cynicism into your Xmas cheer, then TB just can’t help you. Hell’s bells, the guy’s name is BAILey. He never paid attention to his bank–the one he inherited by the way–he shamelessly engaged in nepotism with inept family members on the payroll, spent freely to live in the biggest house on the block, lent money to poor people and when it all blew up in his face, he let all those folks who had been paying his fees and interest in the first place for so many years bail him out. It’s a wonderful fraud is what it is. And that wasn’t a bell at the end–it was a cash register.