Quote of the Day “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” –Groucho Marx
The Democratic and Republican political conventions are coming up this month, and as I surf the web it seems the selection of a Vice-Presidential running mate for both candidates is the source of great speculation. TB believes we’d all be better informed voters if the candidates would also announce their proposed cabinet appointees prior to the election. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a few more targets at whom to aim the mud? As you may or may not know, TB has officially announced he has no plans whatsoever to run for President. However, in the spirit of setting a good example for Obama and McCain, here are the Cabinet members I’d announce during the conventions:
Vice President–Stephen Colbert–He already has a good bit of grassroots support due to his unsuccessful primary campaign. Also, TB’s gonna need some help in Red States, and this guy has his finger on the pulse of the O’Reilly fan. It would also keep me off the “dead to me” list.
State–Angelina Jolie–An experienced world traveller, I believe she’d be a natural diplomat. An excerpt from a future summit with Iran:
AJ–Thank you for meeting with me gentlemen.
Iranians–Oh, any time Ms. Jolie. In fact our schedules are pretty much wide open this year.
AJ–We demand you stop your uranium enrichment program immediately.
Iranians–That’s cool. Let’s set up a date, errr timetable. I think it would be good if you were on hand to verify our compliance. I’m wondering, if we didn’t comply, how would you punish us? By the way, what else are you in to? Do you like falafel?
War–The Batman–First, you may have noticed we dumped the word “Defense” and brought back “War” from the good ol days. People like the good ol days–they were good. It also is part of a green initiative I think could take hold. Shorter words, less ink, less cartridges in landfills. As for my slightly unorthodox choice to head the War Department I can only ask, “have you seen Dark Knight?” I went last night, and I tell you, that dude has access to some badass technology. When he violates the constitution or some pissant nation’s sovereignty, I’ll be able to truthfully say, “Hey, we’d arrest him, but I don’t even know his real identity. And he doesn’t keep an office in DC. He’s in a secure, undisclosed location.” And get this, he knows all about caves. Bad news for Obama.
Treasury–Tiger Woods–Ok, this is Machiavellian. He’s bi-racial (check), popular with country clubbers (check), and racist golf fans would love it if he missed some prime years on tour and couldn’t break Nicklaus’ majors record (check. mate.) Plus he’s really good with money. We might even be able to get some endorsement deals to help keep taxes down. And the Saudi’s will pay a fortune to have him visit.
Attorney General–Jackie Childs– A true friend of the consumer. As for terrorists, while he’s not a proponent of torture, let’s just say interrogators will be encouraged to withold the balm. Jackie will not tell them to use the balm.
Energy–T. Boone Pickens–First, I’d want him somewhere I could keep an eye on him and keep him from funding the Republicans’ “Dirty Tricks” committees. And he wants to build a bunch of windmills. This has been good for tourism in Holland and I think it could work here too.
Homeland Security–Jesse Ventura–This Republican Big Government Expansion has proved to be a waste of space and money and “the Body’s” political career exemplifies these traits. He’ll make a great interview and we’ll all feel much safer hearing his deep resonant tones spouting non-sense and spittle on the Sunday morning talk shows.
Agriculture–Willie Nelson–Being President is probably pretty stressful. I think it would help having Willie around. And we could have Farm Aid right in the Rose Garden one year.
Transportation–Richard Petty–I’d really like to see some stretches of Interstate go to unlimited speed limits and I think the King is the man to implement my policy. And we could re-paint Air Force One Red, White and Petty Blue and stick an STP sticker on the tail fin. That would rock.
This is starting to look pretty good. Maybe I should I reconsider my decision not to run?