The Job Market–I Gotta Get a Good One

Quote of the Day     All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.”     –Aristotle

Times are tough. Big corporations and hometown shops are losing money and shedding workers at an alarming pace. Keeping up with the latest bleak news is enough to get you down. But there are a few stories floating around right now that serve to remind us all that a guy/girl can still make a go of it in this crazy old world. The job TB would like pays a hundred grand and requires relocation. I’m down with that. It requires keeping a daily blog, which would be a little more than I’m used to, but I think I could do it. Here’s the hard part–you have to snorkle, beachcomb, bar hop and generally live the life of Riley in a beach bungalow in Australia. That really is the hard part unfortunately, because hundreds of thousands of applicants are expected, and there is only a single lonely opening. TB thinks the Obama stimulus plan ought to include a billion or so to create identical jobs at various U.S. travel destinations. That would mean ten thousand really kick ass jobs. (It would only be fair for TB to get the first one, having thought of this awesome idea before anyone else.)

I have also been following the online auction (as a spectator only) of a young co-ed with a bold entrepreneurial spirit and a willingness to provide a unique service to the person who hires her. She only plans to work a short while, calling in to question her dedication to the job. But for anywhere between a few seconds up to as many as 4-6 hours (according to the fine print disclaimers I see occasionally on commercials on the tube) the top bidder will have the privilege of deflowering this young business girl, I mean up and comer, I mean future reality TV star. The last bid I saw was for over 3 million. Now that’s what I call a stimulus plan, I mean a lot of money.

Assuming Congress blocks my proposed earmark on the spending bill, I guess I ought to be thinking about the services I could auction off.  Feel free to go ahead and bid on any of these, or add your own items to sell. Here’s what I’ve got so far, based on my diverse talents:

  • I will sit in your home and play XBox and surf the internet and work on my blog. I’ll need you to leave me some money for beer and pizza on the counter each day.
  • Have you ever seen that Seinfeld episode where Kramer sells all his personal stories? I can do that. Plus, I’ll dish all the dirt I have on MD, Smily and Sweet.
  • Has a coffee table book on the great beer joints and barbecue shacks of the South been written and distributed yet? Wanna do it? Need an expert?
  • I’m an excellent driver.
  • I’m old, fat and slow, and I never could shoot worth a damn. I’ll come over to your house, or meet you at your gym or church and you can beat the hell out of me in hoops. If the bid gets high enough I’ll get Sweet to meet me in your front yard and we’ll all race. A little bit higher and I’ll throw as many curveballs as I can before my shoulder flies away from the rest of my body (one). And you can put it all on video. Come to think of it, has the business girl thought of all the revenue she could generate with a DVD? Maybe she needs a pimp, I mean an agent.

Bonus Quote of the Day:     It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”     –Muhammad Ali

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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15 Responses to The Job Market–I Gotta Get a Good One

  1. Barie says:

    After selling my kayak, mountain bike, clothes, shoes and basically anything I could get rid of on craigslist and at garage sales to get through the last year, I began to wonder myself what other “items” I could sell. I wish I was a virgin! Sad but a little true.

  2. Barie, that smarts. But considering the cool stuff you used to have, you must live near or at the higher altitudes. TB’s pretty envious of you on that point. And if you have any use for Men’s size 12 sneakers, with only a few holes in them, I’ll ship them to you if that helps at all.

    Thanks for reading and commenting.

    PS, it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be bidding up my offerings.

  3. Stone says:

    Is there some sort of medical confirmation of virginity or does the high bidder just take her word for it.

    I would think someone spending that kind of cash would do some due diligence prior to closing the deal.

  4. JessieLou says:

    It sounds like a round of discovery is in order for the young lady in question. Can I help you construct the questions? Yours can be from the POV of the deflowerer and mine from the deflowered. I am certain we will need an IME – do you have a specific doctor in mind? I know a great retired OB-GYN who might even do it for free.

    I would actually pay for some of those services offered up. Being as frugal as I am I’m not sure how much I would be willing -it would depend of how bored and/or lonely I was in life at the time. Your first options sounds as if you are up for adoption or at the very least up for a sugar moma. If you could add guitar playing (I already know you can sing), ESPN Sports center watching (to keep me updated as I have been made accustomed to in the years prior to 2002) and the occasional grass cutting – you would not be on the market long. As usual, I am up for all the dirt you can dish up on any given topic, those three would keep anyone listening for awhile, some of it in disbelief. That you could sell on DVD, book form and auidobook form. You see, you have more than one book in you – that you could parlay into 3 that could either be children’s books as examples of how to act or not as the case may be or adult books with no contents edited. Add to that the book on Southern Bars and you’ve got several potential best sellers. I could be your editor – maybe that is why I was writing your checks and paying those bills in that dream? Could be – I’ve been accused of being psychic before. I like the way you channeled Dustin Hoffman with No. 5. The last one has the potential for death so I am staying away from that one.

  5. Stone says:

    Not really a discovery type issue. It is more in line with the due diligence that should be performed prior to a merger or acquisition. The girl needs to agree to provide all needed information and submit to whatever exam is needed or the deal is off.

    The lawyering needs to be done on the front in and the deal is contingent upon the outcome of the investigation. If done right there will be no discovery because there will be no suit.

    Due Diligence is something BoA should have done prior to buying/getting screwed by Merrill Lynch.

  6. JessieLou says:

    Well, my dear, I never claimed to have a law degree, I just work for them. I defer to your much more educated self. That is why I am just the hired help 🙂 the low girl on the totem pole, so to speak. Everybody needs one.

  7. Zeek says:

    Indeed!! Everyone should have a girl low on his pole.

  8. Jessie Lou says:

    Zeek you are the winner – I was wondering who would comment first! Still crazy after all these years.

  9. Zeek says:

    You know us Presbyterians!!!!! The only reason I hope I live to be old is so I can be a DIRTY OLD MAN!!!!

  10. Stone says:

    JessieLou prior to working with a bunch of business geeks/lawyers I would have been right with you. After watching these guys cover a 20 ft. table with folder after folder of agreements I have come to realize that a certain amount of care should be taken prior to entering into a big time business arrangement. If she thinks it is worth 3 million, she needs to prove she owns it prior to closing the deal.

    Now, if after that, either side backs out or is found to have made key misrepresentations you and I should team up and sue the hell out of someone.

  11. Madd Dawg says:

    can you imagine if she tried to back out, and the “winner” of the bidding sued for specific performance? The Judge would get involved in choosing when, where, how, etc—-all of the details of the get-together.

  12. Smilyj says:

    dumbass.

  13. Jessie Lou says:

    Stone – I helped a guy in your office about a month ago – I asked him to tell you hello – hope he did. I’d be glad to work with you on that one! Too bad that couldn’t be mock trial material – that would be much more interesting that shaken baby syndrome which is the case my son had when he participated.

  14. Stone says:

    He did. Forgot who it was. But someone came by and said you said hello.

  15. Jessie Lou says:

    Don’t feel too bad – I cannot remember his name, but it was a bit of a wild goose chase.

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