For the Seventh Rant of Xmas, TB Gave to Me….

Quote of the Day:

I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.     –Charles Dickens

…..SEVEN CHRISTS in Christmas.*

“Keep CHRIST in Christmas.” This, from many of the same people who send TB bogus, hate-filled chain emails, are working on their third marriage, fourth bankruptcy, fifth rehab stint and worship the heathen idol Nick Saban on the (old-school) sabbath.

Let me make a suggestion: why don’t you holy rollin’, self righteous, internet proselytizin’ hypocritical* Palinites put Christ back where he really belongs–in your own hearts. You worship your way and I’ll worship mine and we’ll talk about how we do it right and nobody else does at church on Sunday. And another thing, don’t think I don’t know that you know that I know that your really just spoutin’ off all this Christ in Christmas business to glorify, not sweet, innocent, all-powerful baby Jesus, but your own pathetic selves.

I already know what Christmas is all about and I don’t need your Facebook statuses and bumper stickers to remind me. It’s about honoring the genius of the early church in convincing fun-lovin’, hell-bent, rape and pillagin’ pagans to accept a religion of sobriety and peace***. How’d they do it? They let ’em keep the biggest party of the year for starters–yeah, Christmas–highlight of the ancient pagan social calendar. Because any historian or theologian worth a damn knows Christ wasn’t born in mid-winter, some monk with a marketing degree just made it up; though a lot of pagan-Christians were conceived that time of year to be sure. Let’s not insult the memory of our pagan ancestors by forgetting that Christmas is supposed to be the season of celebration, of partyin’, of escape and gluttony. After all, MAS is Spanish for MORE. Let’s put the MORE back in Christmas–that’s what I say!

And another thing. You think there’s a “war” on Christmas? Well, there’s not. Quit being paranoid and stupid. If there is a war about Christmas it is the war you people wage on my own idea of what it should be about, expressed beautifully above by good ol’ Chuck Dickens.

And another thing. Why so focused on putting the CHRIST in Christmas? Is one day a year all you can stomach? I’d like to see some o’you put the CHRIST back in Arbor Day. Or August. And another thing! I don’t say “Xmas” because it sounds stupid. But sometimes I write it because it writes faster. Christians have been doing that for hundreds of years because “Christ” in ancient Greek began with the letter “chi” and the closest symbol to that in the Roman alphabet is “X” and so “X” stands for Christ and because from time immemorial people’s hands have cramped up writing “Merry Christmas” on papyrus Christmas scrolls for each of the 77 people on their list. And another thing! That nativity scene outside your house is real nice, but you do realize there were no wise men present at the birth of Christ, right? They showed up about two years later, and I don’t think there’s much of a market for frankincense or myrrh these days but can you imagine what that gold would be worth now if Joseph invested it prudently? Zero, probably, but if he put it in a safety deposit box it would probably….but I digress….

Come to think of it, not many wise men around these days either. Could use a few….

…….SIX Christmas Parties, FIVE. GOLD. ADS. FOUR freakin’ stitches, THREE triple AAA’s, TWO billing errors and a Lounge in a Mall ain’t no Lounge.

————————————–

*I realize this post probably insults virtually anyone who may read it, but remember friends, it is all tongue-in-cheek. TB loves me some Christmas.

**I can’t believe I went with that cliche.

***In theory.

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to For the Seventh Rant of Xmas, TB Gave to Me….

  1. tkh says:

    After I learned about Chi Rho (not to be confused with other fun things learned in college from Chi-O) I always found it funny when people got upset about Xmas. Plus the symbol of the Chi Rho also represents the six directions of the Cosmos, and that sounds like a good Xmas drinking game to me…

  2. TDW says:

    This is slow clap material of the highest order. “Quit being paranoid and stupid.” That’s perfect, nail on the head material. Will now re-read.

  3. Mac says:

    A thing of beauty.

  4. Barista says:

    my favorite post yet.

  5. Harmony says:

    Joining in on the slow clap. Magnificent!!!!

  6. Preety says:

    Mix pretty much equal parts of the apcselaupe and the cinnamon until you get it to be a nice clay consistancy. Roll the dough out on wax paper until it is 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick. Use the cookie cutters to cut out holiday shapes. With the straw, poke a small hole towards the top of the shape. Put the shapes in a warm spot to dry, this takes a few days! Once your sweet-smelling ornaments are dry you can string a 8 10 inch piece of ribbon through the hole you made with the straw and hang it up!Go for a walk and gather some acorns. Take them home and paint them different colors. Let them dry.Cut the metalic stems in half and bend over so both ends are together. Use a hot glue gun to attach the chenille stem to the top of the acorn to work as a hanger.Using the scrap felt, cut 2 small teardrop-shaped pieces about 3-inches long. Lay the candycane on top of one of the teardrop-shaped pieces of felt, noting in the graphic how the candy cane hangs out over the edge. Cover with the other teardrop-shaped piece of felt. Glue the 2 pieces together, sandwiching the candy cane in the middle and lining up the edges.Using the graphic below as a guide, glue the nose and eyes in place. Cut two small circles about 1-inch across to be the ears. Cut 2 smaller circles out of a contrasting colors and glue them the center of the 1-inch circles. Glue the ears in place. Glue on the whiskers.Trace around the CD onto a piece of felt. Cut out the felt circle.Cut a 10-inch piece of ribbon. Tie the ribbon into a loop. Put a dab of glue onto the back of the CD towards the outside edge. Press the ribbon loop into the glue to make the hanger.Spread glue over the entire back of the CD. Center the felt circle on glue and gently press. This will cover writing and ribbon ends, and it will be the back of your ornament.Cut around the figure in the picture you are using. You can cut it into a rectangle shape, circle, or whatever you want. For a fancy edge, use pinking sheers!Trace the picture onto a piece of felt. Cut out the shape, making it about 1/2-inch wider than the picture. Glue the photo onto the piece of felt so you can see the felt on all sides. Glue this onto the center of the CD, making sure you cover the hole completely.Hot glue the 12 mm. and a 10 mm. faceted crystal bead together hole to hole. Cut 4 wires, approximately 3-4 inches long, and string each wire with 8 small crystal bugle beads. Leave about a 1/2 inch gap between the first 4 beads and the last 4 beads. Bend the ends of the wire so the beads won’t fall off. Twist the 4 wires together at the 1/2 inch gap, forming 8 legs. Hot glue the twisted section of the legs to the underside of the crystal beads, right where the 2 crystal beads join together. Take aproximately 10 of silver metallic thread and tie it around the middle of the spider , and tie the ends together to make a loop for hanging. Bend legs to look like a spider.This is adorable and very simple!Christmas Spider LegendOn Christmas eve, a long time ago, a gentle mother was busily cleaning the house for the most wonderful day of the year Christmas day, the day on which the little Christ child came to bless the house. Not a speck of dust was left. Even the spiders had been banished from their cozy corner on the ceiling. They had fled to the farthest corner of the attic.The Christmas tree was beautifully decorated. The poor spiders were frantic, for they could not see the tree, nor be present for the little Christ child’s visit. Then the oldest and wisest spider suggested that perhaps they could wait until everyone went to bed and then get a closer look.When the house was dark and silent, the spiders crept out of their hiding place. When they neared the Christmas tree, they were delighted with the beauty of it. The spiders crept all over the tree, up and down, over the branches and twigs and saw every one of the pretty things.The spiders loved the Christmas tree. All night long they danced in the branches, leaving them covered with spider webs. In the morning, when the little Christ child came to bless the house, he was dismayed! He loved the little spiders for they were God’s creatures, but he knew the mother, who had worked so hard to make everything perfect, would not be pleased when she saw what the spiders had done.With love in his heart and a smile on his lips, the little Christ child reached out and gently touched the spider webs. The spider webs started to sparkle and shine! They had all turned into sparkling, shimmering silver and gold.According to legend, ever since this happened, people have hung tinsel on their Christmas trees. It has also become a custom to include a spider among the decorations on the Christmas tree.(For Christmas gifts I made one spider for the Christmas tree. I printed out this story on fancy Christmas paper and put it in a frame. I then made another spider, with out the string, and glued it to the edge of the frame.) 1. Blow up balloons (at a size to fit your palm). 2. Smear the starch all over the balloon (or use your favorite paper mache recipe). 3. Put the pieces of newspapers all over the starch Let dry. 4. Repeat this procedure three times. 5. When you get the newspaper completely dried, pop and take out the balloon. 6. Decorate it with seeds using glue. The impression would be better if you put the seeds in some order to make a nice relief. 7. Paint it with one color only, to put the accent on the relief design. 8. Tie the lace on the match 9. Put the match inside the ornament to be the hanger.Begin by taking off the top and washing out the glass ball ornament. Allow it to dry fully. Use the egg carton to hold the ornament, so it doesn’t roll off your table.Choose your shells and various beach items and clean them. They have to be small enough to fit into the top of the glass ball ornament. Use the funnel and fill the glass ball with sand about one third of the way. Add the shells and beach items.Put the top back on the glass ball ornament and add some Christmas ribbon as a hanger. In order to tie a bow for the hanger, you’ll need to do a square knot and then tie the bow. This way it will not come out when the ornament is hanging on the tree.Enjoy!I’ve done these with 3 year olds. Older kids can do more of the process themselves.Holding the cone by the base, place glue all along the inside rim of the cone. Have the child place the ball ornament on the cone with the hanging part straight up.When that is dry (that’s why hot glue works great), either you or the child can drizzle some white paint on the top of the ball.Sponsored LinksLightly spray the cone part with acrylic (don’t get too close with the acrylic can while you are spraying or it may melt the cone) to seal it. Tie a colorful ribbon through the loop and you’re ready to give these as gifts or hang them on the tree!Note: Use a sharpie to write the child’s name and year on the base before you spray the acrylic.I saw these several years ago in a preschool classroom and have been making them since. Everyone who sees these RAVES over them. They are one of the few crafts that can be done by the younger set that are also saleable for Christmas fairs and fundraisers. Let’s face it, we’ll all put our kids’ crafts on OUR trees, but would a stranger buy them? They will buy these! * Elbow macaroni * Bowtie pasta * Ziti noodles (this looks like a giant macaroni with groves on the outside with an arch in it) * Gold pipe cleaners * White and gold paint * Medium sized clear faceted balls or round wooden balls with a face * Glue gun and sticks * Paintbrush * Glitter (optional) * Ribbon (so they can hang from the special spot, silly)Instructions:Step one: Paint the elbows and ziti white. We use Apple Barrel brand paint, easy clean up. Paint bowties gold or glittery silver. We paint them gold.Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray foil lined cookie sheet with non-stick spray.Color any way you choose with the permanent markers on the outside and/or inside the clear tumbler. When colored to your satisfaction (not all spaces have to colored) place cups on foil and into the oven.Check after a minute and watch closely. The cup will melt and you do not want it to burn.Each cup will melt in a different shape; play with the placement. Remove from foil when slightly cool to keep from sticking.When completely cool, make a hole with the hot tip of the glue gun and string a ribbon thru the hole to hang in window or on tree.This project requires an adult to help but is great for all ages from 2 years old and up.Here’s what you’ll need to make your own Dancing Princess beaded Charm: * One 2 1/2 inch long, gold-colored headpin * Five 3X11mm two-tone pink Dagger Beads * One pale pink 8X6mm Center-Drilled Bell Flower bead * One 10mm crystal/pink Glass Angel Wings bead * One Delica bead color number DB 214 * One gold-colored size 15.0 seed beadAdd the five dark pink dagger beads to a short piece of Nymo thread. Gather the dagger beads into a loose circle, then tie a surgeon’s knot in the Nymo thread. Be sure that you don’t pull the beads together too tightly, Leave some slack so that the beaded overskirt will hand properly, If you pull the beads together on the thread too tightly, they will pucker and not drape properly over the pale pink bead when you assemble the Dancing Princess Beaded Charm.Begin the assembly of the Dancing Princess Beaded Charm by placing the light pink bell flower bead onto the gold headpin.Place the circle of dagger beads that you made earlier over the light pink bell flower bead. Make sure they are not gathered too tightly, and that they hang properly, to resemble an overskirt atop the the bell flower petticoat beneath. It’s Ok if you can see a bit of thread between the dagger beads; this means it will drape properly over the bell flower bead.Once the overskirt is in place, add the single Delica DB 214 bead to the headpin. Check the overskirt of dagger beads once more, to make sure it is sitting on the headpin properly.Now you’re going to add the remaining beads to complete the Dancing Princess Beaded Charm. Over the Delica midsection bead, place the Angel Wing bead, with the tips turned up, so that, when viewed from the side, it looks like the letter U. Once the angel wing bead is in place, add the size 15/0 gold seed bead, then the pearl, then the gold plated daisy spacer bead to complete the assembly of the Dancing Princess Beaded Charm.Using your round and flat pliers, make a Wrapped Loop on the headpin. Your Dancing princess Beaded Charm is now ready to be hung from a strand of silk, an organza ribbon, a delicate chain, or a beaded necklace. Make two Dancing Princess Beaded Charms and attach them to a set of ear wires for a delightful pair of Dancing Princess earrings. However you choose to wear your dancing Princess Beaded Charms, I hope you’ll enjoy them!Add the gold 15/0 bead, the tiny round pearl, and the gold plated daisy spacer bead to complete your Dancing Princess Beaded Charm * bd cup salt * 1 cup flour * bd cup water * Rolling pin * Cookie sheet * Toothpick * Miniature cookie cutters: star and Christmas tree * Acrylic paints: green, yellow, and various colors of your choice for tree ornaments * Glitter glue or glitter paint * ribbonWhat You Do 1. Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F. 2. Mix together, salt, flour, and water until dough is formed. 3. Knead the dough on a floured surface until the mixture is elastic and smooth. If dough is too sticky, sprinkle with flour, continue to do so until stickiness is gone. Do not add too much flour, this will dry out the dough and will cause it to crack before you get a chance to bake it. 4. Roll out the dough to about bc” thick with a rolling pin that has been dusted with flour. 5. Use cookie cutters to cut out as many trees and stars as you want. 6. Use a toothpick to make a hole toward the top of the shape. Poke the toothpick into the shape, then holding toothpick straight up and down, make a circular motion as if you were stirring something. Keep circling until the hole is the size you want. 7. Place all shapes onto an ungreased cookie sheet and place into the preheated oven. 8. Bake for 2 hours. 9. Remove from oven and allow to cool completely. 10. Paint the trees green and the stars yellow. 11. Use the handle end of the paint brush to dot on ornaments by dipping into paint then dotting onto ornament. 12. When paint is dry, use glitter glue (we used green) or glitter paint (we used gold) to put a sparkling cover coat on your ornaments. 13. When dry, thread ribbon through hole and tie in a knot in the back. 14. Tie onto package.Helpful Hints * If your toppers are large enough, you can make two holes in each so that you can thread ribbon through like a button, only showing a small amount of ribbon on the front. * These make adorable pins to wear to school. Just don’t make a hole. Glue a pin back to the back of the completed ornament instead. * Uncooked salt dough doesn’t keep well, so only make enough dough for the ornaments you are going to make. If you are only making a few toppers, halve the ingredients above. The listed amounts will make enough ornaments for a classroom of 20. * Small balloon * Fabric stiffener * Hot glue gun or strong glue * Ribbon and other things to decorate it * String or yarn for a hanger * Spray paintHow To Make It 1. Blow up the balloon. 2. Cover it with fabric stiffener. 3. Wrap yarn in every direction. (Make sure to get it on the top.) 4. Let it dry. 5. Pop the balloon. 6. Then spray paint it. 7. Put a hanger on it. 8. Decorate with flowers or anything you want, but make sure it’s not too heavy.For a Victorian potpourri ornament: * Round clear Christmas ornaments that you can purchase at craft or variety stores * Loose potpourri * Dried or fake rosebuds * 1/2 inch Ribbon, optional * Glue gunHow To Make It 1. Carefully remove the top, hanger-portion of the ornament. 2. Push the potpourri into the ornament until full. 3. Replace the top back onto the ornament. 4. Cut the rosebuds away from the stems. Using your glue gun, glue the rosebuds in a circle around the top of the ornament. 5. If you wish, glue a gathered ribbon beside the cluster of rosebuds. 6. Attach a standard ornament hanger, or another piece of ribbon to the top and it is ready to be hung on the Christmas Tree. You can be simple or extravagant when you make these (i.e., paper ribbon and fake roses as opposed to velvet ribbon and real dried roses) but they come out looking great! Merry Christmas!Step two: Cut each gold pipe cleaner into four equal parts.Christmas Angel OrnamentsBuy Christmas Angel Ornaments. The savvy shopper’s secret weapon!PriceGrabber.commake loop and twist ends together, this should look like a halo. stick twisted ends into the hole at the top of the ball, this should look like the halo over a head.Step three: Take a length of ribbon and make a loop big enough to fit over the tree branch or the place where it will hang. Glue it to the bowtie, then glue the wings on the ziti in the small arch. Glue two elbows to sides but letting them touch in the front of angel.Step four: Put glue on upper mouth of ziti (the one closest to the wings) and attach the head. Let dry and taaaadahhhh, you have a pasta angel.

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