Quote of the Day:
“Outlined against a blue, gray October sky the Four Horsemen rode again. “In dramatic lore they are known as famine, pestilence, destruction and death. These are only aliases. Their real names are: Stuhldreher, Miller, Crowley and Layden. They formed the crest of the South Bend cyclone before which another fighting Army team was swept over the precipice at the Polo Grounds this afternoon as 55,000 spectators peered down upon the bewildering panorama spread out upon the green plain below.” –Grantland Rice
It’s football week here in the TBU, a welcome development to be sure, especially after having dipped my toe in the treacherous riptide of religion last week. As I think about it, there is much overlap between football and religion–prayer for certain, faith, strange rituals, icons, hope, congregation, fellowship and of course lots of good, clean, old-fashioned hate. And so it came to pass (to coin a phrase), that last night with thoughts of all this kicking about within my head, I fell asleep first and ten minutes later I had a vision of the afterlife, a conversation with God about the most important unanswered questions about life, the universe and everything. Not sure at first if I should tackle another religious post, I eventually decided to run with it:
- TB: So, I’m dead huh?
- God: As a doornail.
- TB: Isn’t that a little cliché?
- God: There is beauty in all things. I created bad puns too, after all.
- TB: (blank stare)
- God: (blank stare)
- TB: Ok, well, I’m sure you hear this all the time, but thanks. I had a good life.
- God: You’re welcome, but the line is backing up, so, would you like me to sign your program?
- TB: Nah, I don’t go for autographs, but I do have a few questions and as much time as I spent on Earth talking to you and you only deigning to speak out loud to assholes like–
- God: Careful boy, you were a borderline call you know. But yes, I do seem to recall hearing from you a lot on test days, especially algebra. Just ask your questions and keep the line moving.
- TB: Got it. Ok, just the big issues then. Why is Mississippi State cursed in football?
- God: I get that a lot. Really, I had nothing to do with it. I don’t dabble too much in sporting outcomes. But it’s a combination of several things. First, maroon and white? Please. Second, Satan had a booming business going in Mississippi in the early to mid 20th century. He picked up a whole bunch of souls and all he had to do was give y’all the blues, and 20 good years for Ole Miss.
- TB: A rebel fan gave up his soul for two measly decades of success?
- God: Lots of ’em, actually. They’re a crazy bunch. The bad thing for you is this one dude thought to have him throw in that Mississippi State would always suck.
- TB: I KNEW IT! But why didn’t Satan head over to Starkville and get some Bulldog souls. Surely he’s not above double-dealing?
- God: Nobody wants to go to Stark Vegas TB, not even Satan.
- TB: Yeah, I never could find anything much wicked to get into when I was there. Anyway, is there anything else that’s kept us down all these years?
- God: Just that it’s never a good idea to build a football field over an Indian burial ground. Ok, that’s enough, time to move on.
- TB: Wait, I’m not finished!
- God: Security, could you assist this gentleman?
- TB: (being dragged away, hollering back to God) But will State ever make the Sugar Bowl??
- God: Not in your lifetime.
- God: (chuckling, to the next person in line) I invented smartasses too, ya know?