Quote of the Day:
“Where’s the church? Who took the steeple? Religion’s in the hands of some crazy-ass people.” –Jimmy Buffett
Religion is dominating the news these days to an extent I have never seen. One in four Americans believes President Obama is a Muslim; one in three Republicans believe this. Meanwhile one in three Americans believe evolution is absolutely false. I’m guessing there’s a good bit of overlap in those numbers. Of course, there’s the increasingly hilarious “two-blocks from the edge of Ground Zero community center mosque” debate where Fox News blasted the money man behind the “TBFTEOGZCCM” on one day and then were exposed by Jon Stewart to be co-owned by the same, Fox-annointed, evil money man. Only in America. And never far from the cameras are our friends from Westboro Baptist.
I’ll say this before I go any further. I am a Christian. But I think anybody who tries to tell you they have all the answers about God, heaven, morality, etc., be it the Pope, or Franklin Graham or your best hundred friends on Facebook–they are delusional. I thought I’d look up just a sampling of the crazy in the name of God going on these days for my own, and hopefully your edification and amusement.
Name that religion and a well-known practitioner (answers in comments later):
- Practices exorcism to rid the afflicted of demonic possession.
- Uses a ritual described as “grasping a live chicken by the shoulder blades and moving around one’s head three times, symbolically transferring one’s sins to the chicken.”
- Baptism of the dead, even if they are not present, by use of a proxy live body, even in cases where the deceased’s surviving family objects.
- If you spend money in this life, it alleviates the suffering of those in the afterlife.
- Mothers should remain silent during childbirth so as to spare the child of bad memories later in life. A classic pyramid scheme and a pay by the hour approach to enlightenment are also characteristics of this group.
- This sect of a major American religion advocates taking dominion over the social and governmental functions in the US and the world. They aim to infiltrate and control other Christian religions in what they term a spiritual Civil War.
- These people believe a lost tribe of Jews ended up in ancient America and were visited by Jesus. They reject scientific genetic proof that native Americans arrived from Asia, instead keeping the faith in a 14 year old’s find and translation of gold plates on a hillside in 1820.
- This group believes one may vocalize fluent, unintelligible utterances or articulate an alleged natural language previously unknown to themselves.
- Though often believers in the literal interpretation of the Bible, in a language it was not written in, and in spite of teaching the miracle of Jesus turning water into wine, among other instances of consumption, this group is adamant that drinking any alcohol is a sin, and stands in the way of craft beers’ presence in Mississippi.
- “Be excellent to each other.” A sentiment first uttered in the 1980’s by two innocent prophets. No major world religion has yet accepted this radical tenet.
Now excuse me while I go off and stare blankly into space for awhile. Maybe I’ll get some answers. Shalom and amen.
Check out the Jon Stewart video I referenced on my twitter feed to your right, titled, “The Parent Company Trap”.
And here’s my favorite looney church in the land, Westboro Baptist, taking questions from the media. One last thought….wasn’t it the Romans who killed Christ? Literally, I mean.
Travellinbaen 
thank you
I’m slightly disappointed nobody has taken a stab at naming some of these religions. Several should be obvious.
I’m VERY disappointed nobody has been offended yet. But just in case they are mentally cursing me in some non-intelligible inner babble whilst baptizing a dead chicken and viewing QVC over a cup of tea with their auditor discussing the overthrow of the Pope and Franklin Graham, just in case, I should mention that I myself still hold to many, probably most of the teachings I received from one of the groups mocked above. But not the one I mocked.
I’ll put up the answers tomorrow or the next day in any event.
With no help from Google, here are my guesses:
1. Catholics
2. Caribbean Christianty or voodoo or black magic Christianity
3. Mormons
4. It sounds like pre-reformation Catholicism’s use of indulgences.
5. One of those Hindu-esque cults involving someone named Maharishi.
6. Fundamentalist Baptists
7. Mormons
8. Pentecostals
9. Baptists and/or any mainline evangelical Christian church
10. A couple of movie characters.
ahhh, you’re a ringer. Missed a few though and didn’t give me any famous practitioners. But I’ve been thinking about how to start a TBU loyalty points program based loosely on a “Whose Line is it Anyway” (the Brit version) scoring system and for your answers I would’ve awarded you 13 points. If such a program yet existed.
sorry TB, just too much to answer. #10 is Bill and Ted. I do know that.
Good post = just too busy to be able to answer or think about them all so I’ll go with the only one that hit me right off. #5 is Scientology – I am relating this to Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.
1. Roman Catholic; Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner and 2/3 of the US Supreme are members of this religion, also plagued by a huge pedophelia priest scandal in recent years.
2. Jewish, mostly the Haredi communities nowadays. There’s a lot of weird stuff about the Jews, like funny hats, and goofy diets, and if you really start looking you’ll find some really crazy stuff. There are lots of Jews. The best catalog can be found below, but there’s also Eric Cantor, House Minority Whip and the only Republican Jew in Congress (besides Lieberman, but he’s only half Republican so he’s not really accepted into the clan).
3. Mormons, one of the crazier outfits in western civilization. And the reason I’ll never believe Mitt Romney will become the GOP Presidential nominee even though he’s probably their best guy.
4. The Moonies, who used to be a cult, but then they started the far-right newspaper Washington Times, well-loved and respected by neo-cons and fundamentalist christian types who think they actually oppose the Moonies. Hmm, come to think of it, they’re still really just a cult. The Reverend Sun Yung Moon is a Moonie as are the people selling flowers on the side of the road in your hometown.
6. A gimme. This is scientology, crazier than even Mormons. Tom Cruise is their most famous member.
6. This is a branch of Pentecostalism, Third Way, though officially disavowed by the larger group. Sarah Palin is its most famous practitioner, which explains a lot.
6. The Mormons. They get two mentions because of Glenn Beck, which explains a lot.
8. Mainline Pentecostals. Not half as crazy as the “Third Way” bunch and no agenda to topple the Pope and Franklin Graham. This less crazy than Palin group boasts Tammy Faye and Jim Bakker, John Ashcroft, and Pat Robertson among its membership.
9. The Southern Baptists of my own childhood. They have also been responsible for a Disney boycott, don’t like dancing (on Sundays) and had their genesis in the abolitionist movement. As the opponents of abolition. Trent Lott, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Mike Huckabee. Huckabee is the most prominent of an embarrassingly large percentage of fundamentalists who don’t “believe” in evolution. They simply cannot comprehend that God may be greater than they say he is. Which is great enough to be about 6000 years old–pretty great, sure, but not “billions of years old great.”
10. Bill and Ted, excellent travelers by the way.
Rock on.
Well done- I once took a class on cult religions – very eye opening especially re: Mormons and HOW they go their religion. You would have thought the Jews would have been happy that Jesus came because all their rules fall by the wayside. But NO, they like trying to keep all of those rules. Try reading Deuteronomy and Leviticus and find many mind numbing chapters on that. I’d have to switch to Jews for Jesus if I were one of them.
In case anybody was wondering, the impetus of this post came from the numerous people, some unknown, and many famous, like Palin and Beck, who want more “god” in government. The problem is, who’s version? That’s why we have separation of church and state folks and I’ll tell you another thing, I don’t want my kid being subject to some lunatic teaching them what to believe or how to pray in school either. I’ll do it in home and I’ll choose my own church. Most of us in America might be “christian”, whatever that is, but we don’t all define it the same way.
Very good write up TB. Organized religion should collapse onto itself with it’s blatant hypocrisy. To stand there and declare that you know what is going on beyond a shadow of a doubt immediately makes me doubt someones intelligence. Google the Westboro video of those nutbags singing some crazy song and pay attention to the end where they show a very young (prob 6) girl singing the song acopella. It is downright creepy. But I am reminded of it EVERY single time our church pulls all the kids up front for their “childrens moment”. It downright gives me the heebs. This is just one example of the rose colored glasses we all look through. And church folks will always be at the front of the line squalling about the Pledge and “In God We Trust”. It’s all fine and dandy as long as it’s Christianity represented. Separation of church and state. The best saying I have ever seen on this goes something like “Keep religion out of my schools and I won’t think in your church.”
Love this comment, Mac!
Mac, that saying is great, I’ve never heard it.
The one I’m familiar with (and found to be very true) was “as long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.” My test day prayers usually went like this “Dear God, I’m real sorry that I’ve missed the last few days while things were fine, and if you’ll make today good I promise I won’t forget to thank you tomorrow this time, so anyway I forgot to study for Algebra, but I’m a good person, I don’t hate anybody and I’m a lot nicer than that brown-noser Joe on the front row for sure, and he always gets an A and I don’t even want an A, just a low B would suit me fine, so how ’bout it? Amen. I mean, in Jesus’ name, Amen. PS, please make Linda Lou notice me at lunch today. Amen. In a good way I mean. Amen.”
I once heard someone touting the local private/parochial school saying they prayed before every class and how much better that was than public school. While I do think it is wonderful that they pray before class, my personal thought (which I did not voice) was if you brought your child up correctly at home according to your own personal religious values wouldn’t they automatically pray before class themselves of their own volition? There is a bigger reason why kids get sent to school there. Both Mac’s and TB’s comment were dead on and amusing all at the same time.
Brown noser Joe musta failed cause that jerk was in my class too!
I agree with most of what has been said(as usual). But I can;t help but wonder if drastic times don’t call for drastic measures. TB, I know you and I touched on this some, and you brought up some semi-valid points. However, if amending the constitution is what is needed, let’s do it. It is not the holy grail. That’s why the founding fathers put that option in, duh! I believe our laws and govt. should reflect what the vast majority of Americans believe and want. I’m not saying just screw the small minority, I’m saying use common sense and respect. Even though I have my own opinions on Islam that I will keep to myself for now, I do not think it makes one an ignorant intolerant racist to object to the ground zero mosque. I do think it makes the Muslims behind it insensitive and inconsiderate. I won’t comment on the carpetbagger who is trying to sell the property. I am all for peace and freedom, I just don’t want to let subversives use our laws and constitution against us resulting in me losing said peace and freedom. BTW TB, hate to nitpick, but Trent Lott is Presbyterian, not Baptist. Check this clip out, I found it refreshing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsJJqIztPHc
The more I hear, the more I’m friggin lovin this Allen West dude! Wish i could move to florida just so I ccould vote for him!! Hope he is Pres. Candidate soon. Check this out and there is more on you tube, immigration speech is sweet.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VP2p91dvm6M&feature=channel
Dear leaders and fidrnes I told you so spread the news Did he really just say that? Troy Dooly made a fantastic video THAT NIGHT slapping their hands but do you think they listened???NO!The vultures you speak of did not see how transparent and off-putting they were being, and I doubt very much that they captured anyone, and probably repelled many!Words like Intervention, Rescue, Salvage, and others were being used and to me it said more about the marketer’s insensitivity and character than anything. What HAS impressed me are the leaders who have been supportive, and lending an understanding ear. The emotions are all over the place with this tragic situation, and you are so right, we have to be kind, and treat each others with respect. Remember The Golden Rule??? I don’t think it’s cool to add former Zeeksters to money making facebook groups right now either, or arbitrarily assume they are looking for something else, because I have chatted with a many of them and they are wounded and leary right now, and SOME may want to cool it . Who can blame them for God sake!! There’s NOTHING wrong with that! Give them space just like Shelly says Others may be looking for something, but it’s up to them to shop around and be attracted to you. If you have been doing your job all this time .they already love you and want to check you out and what you are doing right? Build relationships like you always have with KINDNESS and LOVE . That’s what I am finding this past week anyway. Thanks Shelly for saying it allYou are awesome Lady and I love ya!!LauraLaura Morris recently posted..
well Trent went to First Baptist when he was a Rep. I always saw him there in election years from August to November. All Baptists become Presbyterian once they make money. At that point they usually want to be sure they get predestined. That being said, a brief search of the interwebs only turns up “baptist” for him.
Zeek I expect you to boycott Fox News since you are so passionate about the NYC issue. They are co-owned by the money man behind the TBFTEOGZCCM you do realize, right? This is just the “welfare queen-willie horton-moral values-gay marriage-flag burning” nonsense wedge issue of the day. I promise you, your life nor mine will be affected in absolutely any way no matter what happens with that building.
I think in some way children should have a basis in religion. When they are young especially. I know TB knows that I am not a greatly religous person. Probably somewhere along the lines that he is. I did go to a catholic school in elementary and am technically catholic. But I havent been to a catholic church in eons. I go to my wife’s church and am pretty satisfied with them. I think it’s more important for my kids to go so I go to set the example. It’s Methodist, pretty laid back and they leave me alone. I have always prayed. Rarely in church but to myself. The answers have made me confident that there is a God but that I do not understand how he works. I used to pray as a child to win sports games. It hadly ever worked for that. But for things that I truly need to be granted, I have found that in one way or another, it’s usually successful. Even though I don’t always see it that way at the time. I think its important to get that basis in religion early on, but to keep and open mind, question everything and come up with your own ideas.
Also, I see TB didnt have anything related to Jehova Witness. That is a peculiar one. I worked with many of them as a firefighter in Moss Point. They were very religious but it has to be boring to not celebrate holidays or birthdays. They didn’t celebrate holidays but most of them were very money conscious and were always the first to make sure their holiday pay wasn’t incorrectly distributed.
I guess I could be wrong about Trent, TB. I certainly wouldn’t put money on it since you researched it. Maybe he converted, but I know I saw him as a kid or teen at First Pres. I have no allegiance to Fox, I just can’t believe it is not being shouted from the rooftops by other networks. I know this mosque will not directly affect me, THIS TIME, it’s the cumulative I worry about. I wonder if any of the Jews worried in the late 30’s when construction began of the camps in their own backyard? Your apathetic, nonchalant attitude is uncharacteristic and quite perplexing my good friend. No comment on Allen West?
Is it realize or realise? The internet is somewhat vague on this issue. I need a TB nation verdict. I am going to have to check out some more Of this Allen West fellow Zeek. He looks intriguing. The Muslims will eventually take over the world. They are more dedicated than the Christian nation. West is correct about their motives.
Mac, It is realize, and I hope you are wrong, but it’s not looking good. Go ahead and check out West, he appears to be real deal. To see a man of color speak so patriotically, and with that kind of accountability is very refreshing; what it is gonna take to unite this country. I’m sure the media or far left wingers(or far right wingers for that matter) will see to it that he is ruined or politically assassinated before he can accomplish anything significant.
On the Trent Lott issue I think I can clarify. Trent Lott married Trisha Thompson whose family is longtime Presbyterian and whose siblings still attend there. Trent likely grew up Baptist, hence he has attended both churches over the course of time. Nothing says welcome like a gaggle of Secret Service agents on a Sunday morning. Standing next to one in a choir robe is also interesting circumstance to find yourself in. This experience dates back to the time of Lott’s birthday comments back in December 2002 I believe it was – lots of interesting people trying to report on that floating around our neighborhood. Watching those sharks is what I think made Irv change his major from journalism to history. And I digress……
Jehovah’s Witnesses are also against blood transfusions making them hard to treat medically. SmileyJ – have your friends ever mentioned that to you? I assisted in treating some in an orthodontic office for jaw surgery – hard to find a surgeon to perform the surgery when the patient is strictly against the possible blood transfusion.
I have always observed a singular accord between supercelestial ideas and subterranean behavior. –Michel de Montaigne.
Huh?
Great list, TB. I only knew a couple of them.
I was raised outside the church and by “the church” I mean organized religion. My Mom was raised Mormon, while my Dad was raised Catholic…both of them were super hippies. We did not celebrate “traditional” holidays, but we did celebrate our birthdays and Thanksgiving. I remember it killed my teachers at school to know that we could not partake in holiday activities because of our religious beliefs, but that we didn’t have a religion to give to them. Endless questioning from the teachers was had every year…they just knew we were Jehovah Witnesses. LOL
By the time I was 17 and moved out of the house, my parents shit-canned their (cult like) “religion” and started moving to the tune of those around us. Although, there are still a handful of people that I run into that still practice the “religion” of my youth….only one word can describe the feeling that surrounds those meetings, AWKWARD!
I’m trying to catch up…sorry for the long absence.