You Make The Call!

Quote of the Day:

Most loathsome events become humorous tales with the passage of time.” –Jimmy Buffett, from Tales From Margaritaville

It has only taken ten days. Now, finally, TB can laugh about it. After much therapy. And the arrival of replacement cards. And the straightening out of the ordeal with the cable company. But the mystery is unsolved and so I turn to you, the denizens of the TB universe to serve as the jury. As always, the Prosecution goes first. And there is only one jury instruction–you must not let sympathy or bias play a part in your verdict. And now, the trial:

Issue–Did TB lose his wallet or does his alternative theory–“the little scamp”–hold water?

The evidence against TB:

  • TB is/was the undisputed owner of the now fugitive male accoutrement
  • The trifold was last seen by both witnesses capable of broad powers of speech in the possession of TB, leaving the Dairy Queen.
  • For roughly 10 hours, the billfold’s whereabouts are unknown
  • TB’s home and vehicles have been turned inside out and the wallet remains awol
  • TB has a long record of absent-mindedness, ranging from driving into a parked car in a rainstorm while shooing a mosquito, to locking his keys in his car on the day he left for college to forgetting what else it was I was getting ready to say just now
  • Not once, but twice, TB has backed into a car in his own driveway in the last five years, including his own
  • There is no possibility the accessory was stolen
  • There are two plausible theories on how the money holder was lost: 1-that it was placed on the roof of the vehicle while extracting the alternately accused, but uncharged juvenile from her carseat and B-that the pocketbook somehow was taken out with the trash, somewhat like Luke, Leia and Han planned to do on the Death Star

TB’s Defense

  • It had to have been my 2 and a half year old daughter; she grabs things and has begun to “hide” things, usually her hair bows
  • She can now reach the “bar” where I up until today kept my essentials
  • She was caught red-handed hiding TB’s keys in her own car; these keys were removed from said bar; The little scamp’s reaction? “Lubyu Daddy, Now GO to work.” We let her off the hook
  • Yes I am an idiot; however I have never (previously) lost either my keys or the unloseable hip residing appurtenance now going on 27 years
  • I keep (kept) the object in question in the same place every day, for the most part
  • If the leather possessor had been on the roof of our car it would’ve fallen off, most likely in our neighborhood. A drive around found no trace and no one has called, written or emailed and TB’s contact info appeared numerous times within
  • No attempt to use the credit cards was made, thus reinforcing the contention that had the cowhide been found it would’ve been by an honest sort who would surely have made efforts to return it
  • Only one sack of garbage went out on the dreadful night and I’m 75% sure I would’ve noticed had my constant companion been perched amongst the soggy diapers within

Rebuttal

  • Yes, the little scamp has sticky fingers but she also has a habit of bringing the essential accoutrements of TB’s life directly to me when she comes into their possession; said accoutrements including the missing item, keys, phone and remote control
  • On the night in question the l.s. was quite tuckered out, thus sat on the sofa for much of her hour and a half of possible thievery watching a video in the presence of the defendant, then taking her ritual bath and retiring for the night; her activities on the morning leading up to the discovery of the disappearance are unaccounted for
  • Upon being questioned over the affair, the l.s. responded “ohhhhh nooooo. It’s lost.” Approximately 20 more times over the next two days she witnessed TB peering into forgotten nooks and crannies and repeated “Daddy’s wallet lost.” Actually, these statements can be interpreted to either impart or absolve the l.s.’ culpability, but you, the jury, are entitled to all the evidence to interpret as you will

I rest my case(s).

Bonus QOTD

“Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know, it’s my own damn fault.” Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
This entry was posted in Humor, Law, Life and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to You Make The Call!

  1. larry says:

    The kid did it. I remeber a call from the school with a question about whether Vivian should have a $100 bill. I thought the answer to a six year-old having a $100 bill was obvious, but I guess times have changed. I guess six year-old on the playground with $100 bucks is common these days. I too had made the mistake of leaving my George Costanza sized wallet on the “bar” and she could not resist. She did know the difference between a $1 or a$100 bill, but she took it. Get use to it. Good luck finding a brush over the next 15 years.

  2. Harmony says:

    Something similar happened with my little guy involving the car keys. There was no doubt in my mind that he taken and stashed them away for a rainy day. He too was curious as ever “The keees? No keees?” and I badger him almost relentlessy “Do you know where Mommy’s keys are? Have you seen Mommy’s keys” Finally I asked him to go and get them for me and he did..what a nightmare. Looks like you’re going to need a higher shelf for your wallet.

  3. calicobebop says:

    I’m sorry but I about lost it when you said you drove into a parked car while shooing a mosquito. We certainly are blog twins – so like something I would do.

    Best of luck with the wallet, dude. I voted that you were innocent because nobody ever sets out to lose their identity. Hope it turns up soon!

  4. Jessie Lou says:

    It is a toss up for me. It could have been on the roof of the car and thus slung into oblivion. That said it always good to blame it on the defenseless.

  5. Samsmama says:

    I can’t believe you are trying to frame your poor child for this. That’s just appalling! Up to a certain point you can blame the smell of a fart on them, but that’s it. Not that I’ve ever done that.

  6. Adam says:

    Simply case. The evidence against the accused minor is purely circumstantial. It was clear from the record that, while she might have taken some things in the past, she has been pardoned of those crimes (in fact she might have been wrongly accused of those alleged crimes) and thus I am granting her Motion in Liminie as to the admissability of her so called prior record. Without that you have no evidence.

    If you will give her my card I would appreciate it. I think she might have some sort of section 1983 claim available.

  7. Hey I said she was not formally charged Stone. And thanks Calico for hangin my jury. This case will never get retried, unless of course, the wallet turns up one day.

  8. Smilyj says:

    What? Kids may be responsible for lost items!? That explains alot! Got to go. Theres’ a certain 4 year old I need to talk to about some stuff>

  9. Adam says:

    So you are trying her (hung jury) without formally charging her. I think that is even worse.

    I am having Free Elle T-shirts made ASAP.

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