Quote of the Day “Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.” Ephesians 6:4
TB was reminded yesterday by one of you loyal readers that a “lesser list” has not been posted in some time. I was also told about the good knowledge passed on from my Father’s Day lesser list and how it has improved his life. I therefore resolved to add to the “lesser list” library with a post that I hope can help just one current or aspiring father be the best they can be. These are things every father should know:
- How to sleep on a postage stamp sized area of your bed (thank you SC for passing info to me years ago. It has served me well).
- How to sneak in to your own house so you can get a little Xbox or Laptop time away from the little terror light of your life. This means a smooth lock mechanism, non-squeaky shoes, quickness and a pre-planned route. And keep your head down. Eye contact loses all.
- How to always be sure plenty of food guaranteed to be welcome to your little gourmand’s palate is in the house when you are charged with solo duty at dinner time. At my house, this means cereal, crackers, cheese and ice cream, otherwise known as a vegetarian meal featuring dairy, protein, calcium, and whole grains.
- That you must sing, but not necessarily those fruity sounding children’s tunes. Buffett tunes can be soothing at bedtime (I use Come Monday), Little River Band’s “Time for a cool change” will get you through a hostile diaper change, John Lennon’s “all we are saying, is give peas a chance” will often work at meal time, and Van Halen’s “Jump” will get your toddler hopping all over the room and expending precious energy, thereby allowing you to move on to Buffett earlier and maybe have time to watch The Daily Show before bed.
- Give in to any and all demands made of you so you can at all cost hold open Saturdays for watching football. Use this: “Babe, you know I don’t go out, I don’t watch TV, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go on Fridays and the rest of the year, all I ask is for these twelve Saturdays.” Of course, if you are among the .000000001 percent of the population on the “free pass” system, this isn’t necessary, is it MD?
- Get plenty of potassium and stretch. A Dad must be limber enough to pass cereal, cookies and crackers to the back seat, holding his palm up in a cupped position, while maintaining a safe lookout and keeping a speeding vehicle between the lines. This involves the difficult twisting of muscles heretofore only twisted in unsuccessful wrestling matches before age 10 with your older brother or neighborhood toughs.
- Always jump at the opportunity to change a wet diaper. And know the schedule.
- When called upon to read aloud the same twelve word, five page book twenty-seven times consecutively, mix up your voices, add words, change words, turn it upside down–anything to preserve your sanity. Once lost, it cannot be regained, and contrary to popular opinion, you don’t either retain sanity or lose it all at once. No, my friend, it slips away one reading at a time.
- You are no longer tough enough, wealthy enough or man enough to ignore a good coupon.
- Forget this cliche–“Father knows best.”