Russian Spy Predicts US Civil War in 2010–TB Reacts

Quote of the Day     “American will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”        –Abraham Lincoln

Editor’s note–Click here for a link to the Wall Street Journal article I’m writing about today.

I realize this is old news, but I couldn’t let a story like this completely disappear before giving you the Travellinbaen take and hearing your own thoughts.

A former KGB analyst and well known Russian professor, Igor Panarin has become something of a TV celebrity in Russia and a brainless laughingstock here in the states for predicting the United States will collapse in June or July, 2010, due to the financial crisis and other causes. He says the result will be civil war and the ultimate division of the country into 6 regional combinations under the protection of western Europe, Mexico, Canada, China, Japan, and of course Russia, respectively. Mississippi gets stuck with Mexico, and vice-versa, as you may have guessed. TB, having studied the article intensely by reading through it once, is unclear if the civil war will be a battle royal amongst the six or a traditional blue-gray grudge match. But if Minnesota’s new country taps Jesse the Body Ventura to lead, look for the Carolina region to answer with the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. I for one think the political rhetoric in what will be the former United States will have been upgraded. Other than oratorical changes, here are some things to look for if Igor turns out to have a brain after all.

  1. Citizens of Mexico City will start a “Spanish language only” movement in reaction to frustration from diners suspicious their norteamericano waiters are secretly insulting them in English.
  2. Sarah Palin’s husband will join an Alaskan secessionist group that is anti-Russia and Palin will become a prominent political/tabloid figure in Moscow. One year later, coincidentally she witnesses the collapse of her second country in three years.
  3. With the United States no longer available to sneer at or hide behind, France will surrender to Germany. 
  4. China gets its turn in Afghanistan. A few years later Chinese families are no longer restricted to one child apiece.
  5. White Mississippians suddenly become very passionate about civil rights, affirmative action and minority representation. 
  6. George Bush goes to Saudi Arabia for medical treatment. Angry American Texican students seize the Saudi embassy in Midland, Texas. The Saudi population uses the incident to fuel a growing national demand to rid itself of dependence on American movies. There are long lines in Riyadh for screenings of Aquaman II starring Vincent Chase and new box office records are set. The Ayatollah calls for luxury taxes on the theater cabal.
  7. Mississippi State wins the Sugar Bowl and the New Orleans Saints follow up one month later with a Super Bowl title. The Arctic freezes over.
  8. Michael Moore does a documentary about how great life was in the old USA back in the 2000’s.
  9. With no more Great Satan to rally the idiots behind, the Middle East embraces the peace process remains unchanged.
  10. Former Americans-the cowboys, the hippies, the rebels and the yanks- remember why their ancestors left all those countries in the first place. A revolution ensues. Save yo’ greenbacks boys. The USA will rise again!


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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
This entry was posted in current events, Humor, Politics and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Russian Spy Predicts US Civil War in 2010–TB Reacts

  1. coachteajay says:

    sounds like he read 9 nations of North America by Joel Garreau

  2. supercynic says:

    Great list.

    Here are some additions:

    11. Al Sharpton issues a press release denouncing the civil war as racist in nature because it occurred in only Obama’s 2nd year. “If you can’t assassinate him, then take his country. That’s all this is,” Sharpton declared.

    12. Now that Mississippi officially becomes a third world country, Angelina Jolie starts adopting children from Pelahatchie.

    13. Canada announces, “We’re happy to have added North and South Dakota to our country, and we welcome all 18 of their inhabitants to our citizenry.”

    14. Left with no superpowers to predict the downfall of, Panarin begins analysis of a snowball’s melt rate as it approaches hell, how long it takes for an exposed apple to turn brown, and just how quickly into an interview Bill O’Reilly will squelch dissent.

    15. Miffed at its exclusion from the land grab, Australians announce that they will no longer talk; thus, depriving the world of hearing their charming accents and euphemisms.

  3. well done SC, but I miss bigfoot.

  4. Smilyj says:

    If Mexico takes over the region with Mississippi in it, then kNelms could most likely find viagra or other enhancement products half-priced and in abundance. We know where he chooses to live. Problem solved for the Lil’ maddog.

    And…. WHOOOOOOOO! THE NAAAture BOY!

  5. tkh says:

    One thing is for certain you wouldn’t have to worry about being under the protection of Mexico or Canada for very long.

  6. Jugoslav says:

    I cannot wait to see your shit and tears covered anglosaxon faces when yhour nazist country falls into pieces. After you had destryed my country, I have only immense hatred for you. Just pure, clean unstoppable hatred. Hopefully, I’ll be laughing my head off when you start killing each other in a very democratic and “your way of life” kind of manner. Whatever comes, you all deserve it for your crimes around the world. So, feel free to start any time. My popcorn is ready.

  7. Dear Yugo,

    Are you related to Igor or what?

    At any rate, I tip my hat to your ability to turn a phrase–“shit and tears covered anglosaxon faces” is fantastic.

    As for your popcorn, might I suggest leaving it unpopped. Popcorn goes stale after a week or two and the odds are good we can hold on that long as a country. I know the stuff is expensive, but I say go ahead and eat the popcorn that is ready, then sell your donkey and buy another bag when the show starts. I realize it will be painful to say goodbye to a faithful lover, but fresh popcorn is really good.

    While waiting on a war to start here in the USA, I would also suggest you could indulge the “clean unstoppable hatred” manifested by your hobby of watching people “kill each other” by tuning in to news accounts from the Middle East, the former Yugoslavia and parts of Africa. There is plenty of killing going on in the world already for you to enjoy.

    Oh, and Yugo, since you do not mention your home country I won’t make any assumptions or comments about it, but to say I love Borat.

    PS, I leave you a bonus quote of the day from American poet Charles Daniels who said:

    “we may have done a little bit of fighting amongst ourselves
    But you outside people best leave us alone
    Cause we’ll all stick together and you can take that to the bank
    That’s the cowboys and the hippies and the rebels and the yanks”

  8. Jessie Lou says:

    Bravo TB! Bravo!

  9. irvineredd says:

    Popcorn ready. Where have I heard something like this before?

    Popcorn ready…..popcorn ready…..popcorn ready…..hmmm….Oh yeah! Get your popcorn ready!

    Holy Crap TB, Terrell Owens found your blog!

  10. Yugo deserves a bump because I know a lot of people missed his inciteful commentary.
    ^ ^
    __ (2x)

    And I really have been hoping to see how Zeek would handle the unwieldy, small and cheap TB import while staying within the lines of the blog.

  11. Jessie Lou says:

    We are thinking alike – I was hoping Zeek would see that!

  12. Update–

    Igor Panarin popularity soaring in certain quarters in the USA

    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2009/11/igor-panarin-doomsday-tea-party

  13. Kinda funny but actually US ninja subprime shit affected the whole planet so I wouldn’t mind if your country disappeared!

  14. That stings Sandra. Really. “Kinda funny”?

  15. quail09 says:

    Hey, Sandra…..you suck!!!

  16. Jessie Lou says:

    Wouldn’t it be interesting if we could make our whole country disappear like the island on “Lost”. We would all be fine just moved as it were. Then these other people would find out just how much they need the US to make the world go around.

  17. John Titor says:

    What about a civil war being due to microwave harrassment from cell towers?

  18. glasnost says:

    Well Done! I Like it!

  19. Jugoslav says:

    travelinbaem, you are small-time loser. You know fully well which country I am from because you call me Yugo, whe I wrote Jugoslav. You know the country well, you creten. ANd by the way, whether it happens in 2010, or later, it only matters that it WILL happen. So you sing your stupid “patriotis” poems. Just remember: we all have our patriotic poems. And some will stick the knife through your cowardly anglosaxon chests. Or, as Panarev said, you may even exterminate yourselves before the world even gets you. That stupid and violently deranged are you usanian crap.

  20. Jugoslav says:

    Yes, I thought that that would shut you up. 6 months later, and while usa is still here, it is safely and unstoppably going forward, towards the abyss. Not only Dr. Panarin, but a whole range of usanian own analysts agree with him and predict an inevitable dissolution of the usa. Gerard Clemente is one of them, probably the most famous and most accurate. Let us remember that he had predicted USSR fall, .com crisis, and a swag of other crisis plaguing this “democratic capitalism” bullshit.

    Now is the time to collect the prize and eat all that shit usa gave to the world yourselves. bernanke is printing money as if there is no tomorrow, and of course there is none for the usa. Ireland, Greece, Portugal, Spain and England, all supposedly free and democratic capitalist countries facing bankruptcy. To them, add Hungary, Croatia, Albania, Bosnia, Ukraine, among many other ex socialist countries “liberated” by the “democratic capitalism”.

    Have fun falling. There’s no coming back from this one.

    http://www.usdebtclock.org/
    http://zfacts.com/p/461.html

  21. Mac says:

    Wow, the TB universe has a troll. How interesting.

  22. irvineredd says:

    Wow, indeed. That’s some entertaining stuff right there.

  23. Madd Dawg says:

    We Westerners should all carefully heed the advice from people from the former Jugoslav as that area has historically been a world leader in military, technological, industrial and economic power all while maintaining thriving art, sports and music communities and, of course, valuing freedom, justice and liberty above all else.

    NOT!!

  24. Jessie Lou says:

    Yes he can ramble on and on about the politics of the economy, but is he good looking? That is the question.

  25. Harmony says:

    Key words: “and while USA is still here.

  26. Samsmama says:

    $5 says Yugo is actually The Daily Wit, totally mesing with TB. Anyone?

  27. ZEEK says:

    TB- are you gonna let this three toothed, hairy, smelly, dumbass Eastern Euroasian retard, who probably has eleven fingers and a 2 inch penis, talk all that smack about America? Or do I need to step in and handle this BBRP style? I’m about to get pissed. Eat a fat one Jugo, you commy moron!!!!

  28. There is no rush to reply. He can only get online once every 6 months anyway. Takes that long to power up using one of those Gilligan-style bicycle generators I guess.

  29. Jessie Lou says:

    Now that was funny!

    • Ana says:

      I’ve been following the drmenstoations in Wisconsin and elsewhere over the past few days but I don’t think the end of America is at hand. While events are currently very polarized from a political point of view this has been true throughout much of the twentieth century. For instance during the Great Depression there was a genuine fear that the country would end up as a Soviet style socialist state. Equally many felt that the country was tearing itself apart in the late 1960/70s with the 68 Democratic Convention, the Kent State Massace and the Vietnam War protests. I think that Civic America is still strong enough to resist balkanisation in the near future. However whether thats true in the next 20/30/50 years is anyones guess. As you correctly point out, no one really saw the end of the Soviet Union coming.

  30. Jungwook says:

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