Randal

TB went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno this week. It’s damn funny. I wasn’t clued in to Kevin Smith’s View Askew universe until a few years ago. But I think he’s freakin hilarious. I even like Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob. Anyway, Randal from Clerks plays the camera man in Zack and Miri. According to something I just read online he’s called “Deacon” in this movie, but as far as I’m concerned, it was Randal. I wanted to post something funny and light for weekend reading after the intensity and deep thought we all engaged in here over the election and our Thursday Picks. I’ve been thinking like Randal all week, one of my favorite characters of all time. I don’t know Randal’s real name, but I do know he’s never been in a damn thing other than Kevin Smith’s movies. I looked it up. I gotta go back and check out Dogma again because I never noticed he was the gun shop clerk in it. I also looked up the script for Clerks, and a great scene is today’s Quote of the Day, below. I didn’t bother finding out Randal’s real name. Who the f*&% cares anyway? Oh, by the way, Jay was in Zack and Miri too. 

Enjoy:

		RANDAL
		Which did you like better: Jedi or
		The Empire Strikes Back.

				DANTE
			(exasperated)
		Empire.

				RANDAL
		Blasphemy.

				DANTE
		Empire had the better ending: Luke
		gets his hand cut off, and finds
		out Vader's his father; Han gets
		frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.
		It ends on such a down note. And
		that's life-a series of down
		endings. All Jedi had was a bunch
		of Muppets.

				RANDAL
		There was something else going on
		in Jedi. I never noticed it until
		today.

	RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.

				DANTE
		What's that?

				RANDAL
		All right, Vader's boss...

				DANTE
		The Emperor.

				RANDAL
		Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
		is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?

				DANTE
		How do you mean?

				RANDAL
		Well, he's like the pope for the
		dark side of the Force. He's a holy
		man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
		evil one.

									47.


				DANTE
		I guess.

				RANDAL
		Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
		The Imperial government is under
		his control. And the entire galaxy
		is under Imperial rule.

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				RANDAL
		Then wouldn't that logically mean
		that it's a theocracy? If the head
		of the Empire is a priest of some
		sort, then it stands to reason that
		the government is therefore one
		based on religion.

				DANTE
		It would stand to reason, yes.

				RANDAL
		Hence, the Empire was a fascist
		theocracy, and the rebel forces
		were therefore battling religious
		persecution.

				DANTE
		More or less.

				RANDAL
		The only problem is that at no
		point in the series did I ever hear
		Leia or any of the rebels declare a
		particular religious belief.

				DANTE
		I think they were Catholics.

	A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Are you open?

				DANTE
		Yeah. Come in.

	He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

				RANDAL
		You know what else I noticed in Jedi?

									48.


				DANTE
		There's more?

				RANDAL
		So they build another Death Star,
		right?

				DANTE
		Yeah.

				RANDAL
		Now the first one they built was
		completed and fully operational
		before the Rebels destroyed it.

				DANTE
		Luke blew it up. Give credit where
		it's due.

				RANDAL
		And the second one was still being
		built when they blew it up.

				DANTE
		Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

				RANDAL
		Something just never sat right with
		me the second time they destroyed
		it. I could never put my finger on
		it-something just wasn't right.

				DANTE
		And you figured it out?

				RANDAL
		Well, the thing is, the first Death
		Star was manned by the Imperial
		army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
		the only people onboard were
		Imperials.

				DANTE
		Basically.

				RANDAL
		So when they blew it up, no prob.
		Evil is punished.

				DANTE
		And the second time around...?

									49.


				RANDAL
		The second time around, it wasn't
		even finished yet. They were still
		under construction.

				DANTE
		So?

				RANDAL
		A construction job of that magnitude
		would require a helluva lot more
		manpower than the Imperial army had
		to offer. I'll bet there were
		independent contractors working on
		that thing: plumbers, aluminum
		siders, roofers.

				DANTE
		Not just Imperials, is what you're
		getting at.

				RANDAL
		Exactly. In order to get it built
		quickly and quietly they'd hire
		anybody who could do the job. Do
		you think the average storm trooper
		knows how to install a toilet main?
		All they know is killing and white
		uniforms.

				DANTE
		All right, so even if independent
		contractors are working on the
		Death Star, why are you uneasy with
		its destruction?

				RANDAL
		All those innocent contractors
		hired to do a job were killed-
		casualties of a war they had
		nothing to do with.
			(notices Dante's confusion)
		All right, look-you're a roofer,
		and some juicy government contract
		comes your way; you got the wife
		and kids and the two-story in
		suburbia-this is a government
		contract, which means all sorts of
		benefits. All of a sudden these
		left-wing militants blast you with
		lasers and wipe out everyone within
		a three-mile radius.
				(MORE)

									50.


				RANDAL (CONT'D)
		You didn't ask for that. You have
		no personal politics. You're just
		trying to scrape out a living.

	The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Excuse me. I don't mean to
		interrupt, but what were you
		talking about?

				RANDAL
		The ending of Return of the Jedi.

				DANTE
		My friend is trying to convince me
		that any contractors working on the
		uncompleted Death Star were innocent
		victims when the space station was
		destroyed by the rebels.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
		a roofer...
			(digs into pocket and
			produces business card)
		Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
		And speaking as a roofer, I can say
		that a roofer's personal politics
		come heavily into play when choosing
		jobs.

				RANDAL
		Like when?

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Three months ago I was offered a
		job up in the hills. A beautiful
		house with tons of property. It was
		a simple reshingling job, but I was
		told that if it was finished within
		a day, my price would be doubled.
		Then I realized whose house it was.

				DANTE
		Whose house was it?

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Dominick Bambino's.

				RANDAL
		"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?

									51.


				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		The same. The money was right, but
		the risk was too big. I knew who he
		was, and based on that, I passed
		the job on to a friend of mine.

				DANTE
		Based on personal politics.

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
		Right. And that week, the Foresci
		family put a hit on Babyface's
		house. My friend was shot and
		killed. He wasn't even finished
		shingling.

				RANDAL
		No way!

				BLUE-COLLAR MAN
			(paying for coffee)
		I'm alive because I knew there were
		risks involved taking on that
		particular client. My friend wasn't
		so lucky.
			(pauses to reflect)
		You know, any contractor willing to
		work on that Death Star knew the
		risks. If they were killed, it was
		their own fault. A roofer listens
		to this...
			(taps his heart)
		not his wallet.

	The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain
	respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
	door and pokes her head in.

Advertisements

About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
This entry was posted in Humor, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Randal

  1. Jessie Lou says:

    Dogma is a great movie! Chris Rock is very funny as the 13th diciple. If it weren’t for all the cussing it should be shown just for its religious significance and I refer to it alot when I am teaching class. I loved that Alanis Morrissette plays God in that movie. Haven’t seen it in a while but it is one of my faves.

  2. Greeg says:

    I don’t get it.

  3. ZEEK says:

    TB, I hate to admit it, but we are in toatal agreement here. Clerks 2 is gut-busting, all his stuff is. Even his first which was Mallrats with the whole crew in there except maybe Randall I can’t remember. Greeg, you’re an idiot, watch the movie and you’ll get it. Clerks 2 is way better than 1 though.

  4. It’s not for everybody. To each his own. I love the scene though, and pretty much laugh at every conversation Randal has. Reminds me of conversations I used to, make that still have, with Sweet.

  5. Smily says:

    These are all favorites at the firehouse. And remember “If it plays at the firehouse it plays anywhere.” Not much intellectual analysis involving the movies we watch there, you know.

  6. I liked Clerks 2 too. I’ve only seen it once though so I can’t remember too much of it. They need to put these on TV more. Actually, now that I think of it, with all the cussing, they could do a hilarious TV version, a la Smokey and the Bandit, with lame-ass substitute words. I’d love to see the censor try to re-word Randal’s scene where he tells the movie distributor all the pornos he needs for the shop while the mom and daughter wait for him to ask for her kids movie.

  7. Stone says:

    That is one of the greatest scenes ever.

    The other great one was the Star Wars v. Lord of the Rings rant in clerks II.

  8. Madd Dawg says:

    I laugh almost to tears every time on the BJ discussion in Clerks I. After Dante finds out that his chick has given 37 different guys BJ’s in her life, he follows her out the door of the store yelling: “Try not to blow anyone on the way to the parking lot.” Then that guy who overhears the comment gets an interested look on his face, turns around to and starts to follow her.

    I need to see Mallrats.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s