A Happy Day

Quote of the Day:

It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.” –Nigel Tufnel

A pretty remarkable, incredible, letter–for one original life story–

Where do I start? “For One Original Life Story.” That was the heading of a contest I entered three months ago. I have mentioned here that I’ve been working on a project and basically it’s been a compilation of some of my better stories/essays along with a few new things thrown in. I touched up the old stuff, mailed in the required submissions mainly just to get some feedback, and I’ll be dang if they didn’t notify me today that I won. And now the stories are getting put together as a book and I get to go to New York and help pitch the finished idea to some indie filmmakers who are involved with the project. They said I could be the literary Sidd Finch. I don’t know what to do with myself; I’m just sitting here, Blankly Staring.

What a day this is!

Posted in Blank Stares, current events, Humor | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

“R” is FOR….

Quote of Tomorrow:

M is for the mud flaps she give him for his pickup truck. And
O is for the oil he puts on his hair.
T is for Thunderbird.
H is for Haggard.
E is for eggs.
R is for REDNECK!”  —
Ray Wylie Hubbard

After TB got that rant down below off my chest I ambled over to Facebook where Alexis de Toadville and Little Boy (CS you keep me guessing but this moniker seemed apropos) were discussing their pending Jazz Fest Itineraries. De Toad mentioned that Van Morrison didn’t play “Brown-Eyed Girl” the last time he was at the Fest and said by way of caution that those expecting to see it this time may be disappointed. I realize that the song is, if not the number one most overplayed song in history, that it is in the discussion, and thus a lot of folks don’t really like it. I do, though. Back when I was single you were guaranteed a dance with any girl you could get to first if there was drinkin’ goin’ on, and there usually was, and so I have a lot of good memories associated with it, cliche or not.

Anyway, the fact that Morrison leaves it out sometimes got me thinking about how sick of a tune one might get playing it over and over every night for forty years. I’ve heard musicians talk about such a problem before, such as Buffett and “Margaritaville”, Willie and “On the Road Again” and others. But my favorite story about such a plight comes from Ray Wylie Hubbard and “Up Against the Wall”. Here he is telling about the inspiration behind that song. It’s pretty funny, but doesn’t include the exact part of the story I was looking for.

Here’s the version played at Willie’s Picnic in 1974

And all this is relevant to De Toad, LB, Jazz Fest and “Brown Eyed Girl” not only because of the unlikely and sweet horn section in the ’74 video, which also, notably, omits the spellout, but because I heard him tell a version of this story on XM cross-country one time where he ended it by mentioning how much he hated that song for a years, but then the royalty checks just kept comin’ and kept comin’ and they gradually wore him down and now he’s at peace singin’ it every show, and the checks keep comin’. Sorry I couldn’t find that version on the webs.

Posted in Entertainment, Music | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Week in the Life, TB and Corporate America

Quote of the Day:

Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s need, but not every man’s greed.” –Mahatma Gandhi

It’s been awhile since TB mentioned how I feel about Corporate America. I need to vent.

In March, 2008, I purchased a three year subscription to XM Satellite Radio. I love that product. Sirius/XM programming is possibly the greatest thing since toasted bread. However I hate the freakin company. For the past week I’ve been putting up with mail, email, and at least a dozen phone messages telling me that my account is past due and my service is set to be interrupted. Number one, I better not have far to drive when they cut me off. Number two, by my math three years won’t run from March 2008 until March 2011. The New Dehlian collections rep I was routed to with the thick English accent can’t get that salient factoid through his thick ass skull. Allow me to recount our conversation (much of his part I was forced to piece together based on my experience viewing Slum Dog Millionaire and The Simpsons and my past history with Corporate American customer service):

  • TB–Hi, this is TB. I keep getting these notices that my account is overdue. It’s not.
  • Mahatma–Yes Sir. Thank you sir. I can help you with that. Ok, pulling up your account. Ah! It’s overdue. If you will just provide me with your credit card number I will take care of it.
  • TB–I don’t think you understood me. I don’t owe you any money.
  • Mahatma–Yes Sir! Thank you for that Sir! And that account number issssss?
  • [it goes on like this for quite awhile–I’ll spare you]
  • TB–Listen, I’m not giving you any money. What I need from you is a copy of my account going back three years. Find all my payments and orders and we’ll sort this out.
  • Mahatma–Yes Sir!!!! I can do that for you Sir! Right away, I’m putting in a request for that right now. And if you’ll just provide me with your…
  • [Dial tone–or maybe just silence, depends on what kind of phone he was using I guess]

I still haven’t gotten that damn email. And did you notice, Mahatma was a COLLECTIONS rep. A quick search of this problem on the Google revealed people who claim when their subscriptions expire–expire, not become delinquent–Sirius/XM immediately refer them to collections. God help me if that’s what they’ve done to me.

Here’s the thing. I do my part. I pay my freakin bills. On time. Always. In return I expect to get the mother freakin’ service I am promised, nothing more, nothing less. What I also have come, sadly, to expect is that if the company operates on more than a local basis, they will continually attempt to screw me out of an extra dollar, or more likely a hundred dollars, in diabolically ingenius ways. Every freakin’ company I deal with is like Wil-E-Coyote and I’m the sheep dog, clocking in each morning to try to protect myself, my family and my clients. And be assured &*^%$, that this XM &^%*^* is just the straw that made me mother ^&%$#’n snap. Allstate, who I have sent money to for 24 years without making a single claim is holding about $75 they owe me when I cancelled my prepaid policy to combine my coverage with my wife’s. My former agent was Jenny Conn of Gautier, MS. Her staff kept me on the phone for half an hour trying to talk me out of canceling and then made me fax them confirmation. I did it and even though she has collected a commission off of me for 24 long years without doing a ^%#$& bit of work, she is part of Allstate and together they can’t get by without returning my unused premium.

Oh, that ain’t all, one of our health insurers started several years ago denying a dollar or two from periodic checkup payments and sticking them on me because the doctor’s bills were “above reasonable and customary.” Each year that nuisance amount I’ve had to pay has gone up a couple of bucks until this year when the denied part has suddenly become almost one-third of the entire cost.

The chain that services my air conditioner came out three times last summer. I spent about $800 on repairs and I was assured the problem was finally solved. Lo and %&$#ing behold. I turn on the AC for the first time and there is no cool air. Wising up, I called in a local independent guy who tells me there’s a leak and a major part needs to be repaired. It will cost about $1200. Except that for ME it will cost $2000 because I spent $800 on &^%*’n nothin last year.

Believe me, there’s more.

And so I ask you, am I the only mother %$#&ing one? Because from what I can tell, about half the country is apeshit crazy to defend Corporate America to the last drop of blood and the other half claims to be on to the scam but steadfastly refuse to act. A little help? Really, I want to know. Am I the only one?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Influential Books List

Quote of the Day:

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx

TB checks in at least a couple of times a week on nmisscommentor, a lawyer’s blog out of Oxford, Mississippi, that covers a little bit about a lot of topics I find interesting along with a healthy dose of Mississippi politics and legal news. Today there was a post and some interesting responses concerning “the ten most influential books” on the author. Of note, it is reported by NMC that “blogs all around are listing 10 influential books.” NMC says he is late to the party, so if I sneak in right behind him maybe my faux pas will go unnoticed.

Anyway, I think its a cool topic for commentary. Some people have more time and some perhaps more interest, but most everybody has read something that they consider influential. I hope to hear your list. It’s supposed to be “off the top of your head” so don’t feel like your decision is set in stone, and in keeping with TB’s anti-authoritarian mandate, feel free to number your list anything other than ten.

Here’s the list I’m going with today, in no particular order:

  1. The Virginian, Owen Wister–progenitor of the western genre, and the mythos of American rugged individualism.
  2. Charlie Wilson’s War, George Crile–gave me a much better understanding of how Congress works, how Afghanistan became “our” mess and the law of unintended consequences
  3. Paris, 1919, Margaret McMillan–all about the Treaty of Versailles ending WWI, how it shaped the 20th century, and the law of unintended consequences
  4. The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis–spirituality, irony and a dry wit that resonate with TB
  5. The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway–nobody strings together words more perfectly than Papa
  6. North, Towards Home, Willie Morris–learning to look inward critically, without self-loathing, and without romanticizing; I loved this book even while I resented Willie’s opinions; loved it even more when I came around to his point of view.
  7. The DaVinci Code, Dan Brown–because its a helluva fun adventure and because he raises issues that ought not be taboo
  8. The Complete Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle–because we should at least attempt to see things as they are, not as we expect them to be
  9. The Norton Anthology of English Literature, many, many Brits–because I found out I really did like poetry, a lot of it anyway, especially the parts about girls and booze
  10. Ulysses, James Joyce–if and when I ever get through this without injuring my feeble brain, I will officially consider myself well-read. My previous record was getting to page 2. But its been a few years, so maybe I should try again soon.
  11. TB’s Work in Progress, TB–if and when I ever get through this, I hope to be able to move past the nagging feeling that I missed my true calling.
Posted in Books, Lists | Tagged , , , | 38 Comments

This Is My Stand

My friends,

TB had not intended to address this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about health care reform. Alright, here is how I feel about it.

If when you say health care reform you mean godless totalitarianism,  Hoffa-handed fascism, European inspired communism, that forces money from the hands of the people to the pockets of the insurance companies, that is overly complicated and inefficient, that is a boon to pharmaceutical companies and may overburden an already overstressed medical profession, yea that in point of fact abjectly fails to provide the universal care or cost controls that its proponents proclaim; if you mean the evil takeover of government bureaucrats from insurance bureaucrats of decisions better made by you and your doctor; if you mean toppling our great nation from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of the Joker’s lair, the witch doctor’s fire, and shame, helplessness and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.

But,

If by health care reform you mean beginning of a new conversation, a philosophy of the pursuit of health as a natural right of man, a tonic that alleviates, if admittedly fails to cure society’s ails, that puts life in the eyes of a young child with cancer and banishes bankruptcy from the fears of an old man with early Alzheimer’s, and replaces the mark of a c-section as a denial for preexisting condition with the warm glow of contentment of a new mother still insurable; if you mean projected budget deficit reductions; if you mean the increased rates of pay for Medicaid that will put a spring in the step of many physicians; if you mean the unexpected mechanism for handling student loans so that the bankers no longer take the profits while passing the defaults to taxpayers, the savings which will put billions of dollars toward actual medical treatment and even deficit reduction, which will be used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm, then certainly I am for it.

This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.

—————————————————————————

Some of you will recognize my play on Soggy Sweat’s famous “Whiskey Speech” made by the Mississippi legislator many years ago during a debate on the legalization of alcohol. In reading reaction to the health care law all I have seen or heard is how great a triumph it is, or that it will ruin our country. I don’t believe either narrative. It will do a lot of good in my opinion, but it is imperfect in many ways that can be criticized by left or right. Certainly, there are provisions that few would argue with, such as banning the preexisting condition exclusion excuse for insurance companies. Similarly, the mandate that people must purchase insurance from a private company, few would argue, is offensive from multiple perspectives. I am sure I will regret even raising the subject as rational discussion of such things is difficult for most everyone; but I think most people who read here are up to the challenge.

Finally, I am copying the real Whiskey Speech and linking to one of many sites where it can be found, just for your enjoyment or interest.

The speech linked and reprinted below is the Quote of the Day:

“My friends,

“I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey.

“If when you say whiskey you mean the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster, that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, and despair, and shame and helplessness, and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.

“But;

“If when you say whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips, and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman’s step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, life’s great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows; if you mean that drink, the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars, which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm; to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it.

“This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.”

Posted in current events, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

A Big Decision

Quote of the Day:

The secret of genius is to carry the child into old age, which means never losing your enthusiasm.” –Aldous Huxley

Have you heard the news yet? TB turns 40 this year. Surprisingly, I’m not the only one this is happening to this year. Even more surprisingly, hundreds I have heard, if not more, have previously experienced this damn dubious milestone. So why does it feel like this is some cruel joke the universe is only inflicting on me?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking of how to cushion the blow and for me the generic answer is easy–travel somewhere awesome. Ah, but where to go, that’s the rub. I want to wake up that fateful August morning some place beautiful and devoid of traffic. It must be a locale that is both affordable and accessible, but neither cheap nor easy–those were fine when I was but 30. There should be something to do that involves moving my rapidly aging bones before they turn to dust, be it a mountain hike or an ocean swim, or something similar. Strenuous, yet not overly dangerous. It probably needs to be a location I’ve yet to see and definitely north, south or west of Dixie. And if northwest, further north and/or west than the Great Plains, no offense Kansas. If an island my destination be, I’d like to be able to rent a boat and a golf cart for transport. If a mountain, I want waterfalls, off the road, but bear-free and within a mile. Carrying the Little Scamp uphill very far would qualify as overly dangerous for those drying bones of which I spake. I’m tantalized by the idea of a road trip down the Baja peninsula, drinking cerveza in the lonely desert, taking siesta with the old gauchos staring blankly in brotherhood from beneath my new sombrero, moving languidly, symbolically south to Cabo.

But I can’t decide. It must be perfect. Otherwise I am not certain I will survive the transformation. Suggestions? Has this ever happened to anyone else? This is a really big decision for me.

Posted in Blank Stares, Life | Tagged , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

We Wuz Robbed

Quote of the Day:

“I’ve been at this a long time, and one thing I’ve learned: At Mississippi State, you’re supposed to take it and be quiet. I had a hard time swallowing this pill because so much was at stake and my players were affected. When does the truth matter?–MSU Basketball Coach Rick Stansbury, on being robbed

There was no special edition of Thursday Pickin’ for this year’s NCAA Basketball Tournament. I’m not even watching, save to catch the scores of SEC games in hopes all they all lose. TB just can’t enjoy it this year, not when my Bulldogs were, predictably, unfairly excluded. It is not a boycott or a protest of any sort, it’s just that with every instance of sporting injustice a little bit of the fan in me dies. I couldn’t conger up enough interest this year to even fill out a bracket. Every time I looked at one all I saw was Kentucky’s John Wall and his smirking, supremely talented mug dashing illegally through the lane to get the rebound that ultimately defeated Mississippi State in the SEC Tournament Championship and blocked them from participation in the Big Dance.

In sports, it is taboo to “blame the refs.” “One play” the logic goes, “doesn’t beat you.” You had many other opportunities to overcome a bad call and you made too many other mistakes to hang an outcome on the referee. All this is true. But its a fallacy, one we accept because sports are extremely difficult to officiate, mistakes are inevitable, and the consensus opinion is that the breaks even out in the long run. Thus, we should never blame the refs.

But one call, one play can beat you. The logic that a team should overcome a bad call or not be in a position to have a bad call beat them is faulty. I recall an instance when I was sixteen years old pitching in a baseball tournament in Pensacola, Florida, against a team of Washington all-staters. In the first inning I had a 2-2 count on their cleanup hitter with two men on and I put a fastball over the outside corner at the knees. The ump called a ball and I lost my cool. The next pitch was overthrown and sent right down the middle. That big hoss knocked the shit out of the ball, damn near gave me whiplash as I turned to see it sailing over the horizon. We were down 3-0. I got out of the inning without further damage and as I walked to the dugout I detoured toward the ump, pointing at him and yelling, “those three are on you.” He came toward me and for a second I thought I was to be ejected, but he simply leaned in and quietly said, “I blew the call.” We lost the game 4-3. We had 21 lost opportunities at the plate to score 5 but we didn’t. Or, I could’ve settled down and not served up a fat pitch. But no matter what, that first inning blown call cost us the game. And you know what, I’ve never been bitter about it. A call like that is part of the game. The ump wasn’t cheating, and the reason I’ve always remembered that game is not because “we was robbed” but because it was so classy of him to admit he missed the call in the face of a punk teenager who had just called him out in front of hundreds of adults and other kids. Still, to ignore that those three runs cost us the game is to ignore the facts.

In the same way, Wall’s lane violation led to his rebound that led to his shot that missed and bounced straight to Demarcus Cousins who tipped back in at the buzzer. The missed call cost State the game, the tournament and a spot in the Dance. I know it’s bad form to hang that on the refs, but when a championship is on the line, it ought not be so damn predictable which way the breaks are gonna go. And when it happens that a team gets robbed we ought not be afraid to call it out. And even with all that, I could live with the call if I hadn’t known beyond the shadow of a doubt that MSU would not get an at-large bid in defeat. The committee said we were the first team eliminated and it was a tough call and they took into account all sorts of factors against us, many of them opposite the factors they have used to exclude us in past bubble years. But they never mentioned the consideration of the fact that we should’ve been in except that we were robbed of the automatic bid by the refs. And ultimately, that is what burns my ass.

Posted in Philosobaen, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Champion Dies, Quest Begins?

Quote of the Day:

Facts are the enemy of truth.” Cervantes, Don Quixote

TB’s first law professor, Bill Champion died a few days ago. I had him for first year Property at Ole Miss, like a lot of other future lawyers, and like a lot of people who were, um, diverted into other fields. As far as I can recall, I didn’t learn a damned thing about Property law that year. So of course I was deeply saddened to learn of his passing.

Champion taught at the law school for decades and his lectures and lessons on “future interests” were legendarily arcane and difficult. For you non-lawyers interested in what “future interests” are, I refer you to the paragraph above. Fortunately, being an alumnus of a year under Champion’s tutelage consisted of quite a bit more learnin’ than what the syllabus required. It was probably the first day of class that he informed us, all college graduates with good grades and a healthy opinion of our academic and intellectual prowess, that our brains were to be completely overhauled. We–those of us who survived, that is–were to be taught how to “think like a lawyer.” I privately derided that presumption, certain in my own approach to pretty much everything. Looking back, learning to “think like a lawyer” is the one damned thing I got out of law school that I couldn’t have learned on my on, and it was thanks mostly to Professor Champion and Professor Cochran, the two most cussed (often cursed) and demanding teachers at the school.

Champion was fair and honest. He viewed his role as an attorney and sought to impress upon us that our future roles as attorneys, were to advocate fiercely for our client on either side of a dispute and at the same time to hold ourselves aloof from petty distractions such as ideology, greed and incivility. He advised that we should be involved in politics. He demanded that we understand our duty of professionalism. He reminded us that our education would give us advantages over many others that we must never abuse. He pleaded that we view the legal profession as something of a round table, and we its knights. His expectations were hopelessly antiquated and unrealistically idealistic and such a state never probably existed in the first place; yet he was also right about it all. I made a C in Champion’s class both semesters and I was glad of it and I’m certain he never knew my name. It’s too bad he didn’t test us on what he said when he “finished” his lectures each day.

And so I find myself considering whether to take on a crusade today. When I first got out of law school I jumped at opportunities like this. I quickly learned the hard lesson that crusading does not pay. You make no money at it and you lose your time and your hair and nobody appreciates you, the client least of all, as you lie prone on the field at contest’s end. I long ago forswore the crusades.

The two-year old son of a deceased Iraq war veteran has been defrauded of his legacy, enough money to raise him up and put him through school if he’s so inclined. I don’t believe there’s a person around who wouldn’t acknowledge the wrong that his been inflicted upon this helpless child. No person. But the law, well, the law doesn’t care. Worse, the law, as it so often does, especially in these times, favors the defrauder. But there is a window, a “colorable” argument as we say in the biz for getting some of that money back. I still may not take the case, but I’m seriously considering it, especially if The Daily Wit signs off to join the quest. And he will if I ask him to. We’ll go questing like Don Quixote and Sancho Panza (I won’t suggest who’s who) or maybe Galahad and Lancelot.

Thanks a lot Professor Champion, nonetheless, Rest in Peace.

Posted in Law, People | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Salty

Quote of the Day:

Among TB’s excuses for neglecting the TBU lately is that I am actually “working on something.” It will probably wind up being a collection of stories, except you know how in almost any book there is a disclaimer stating something to the effect that “This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to any person or event is purely coincidental.” I won’t be able to use that disclaimer. What I’ve got so far is all made up, but if you are an ARB, or if you know an ARB, you will recognize “similarities” between the characters and certain ARB’s. What follows is something I got to thinking about this morning and it may go in the collection. This is just a first draft of the first part of an idea; I hope I can make it better eventually. Please stop here if you are offended by foul language.

————–

“How’s my back look?”

“You’re good, dude.”

“Well, I’m plannin’ on sittin’ right here on top of this picnic table and drinkin’ as long as I can, so if you decide to go back and take a shower before going out tonight remind me to put some more sunscreen on when you leave.”

“I’ll be right here with you counselor. I got nobody to impress.”

“I love this fuckin’ place.”

The two dudes on the picnic table were still getting used to the fact they’d had their last Spring Break several years ago. But they still managed to get a few days sandwiched around a weekend at the end of April to go over to Florida and drink and chase girls and remember what it was like before. They sat at opposite ends of the table and a collection of dead soldiers was already filling the space between. The taller one with the bigger, but well-tanned beer gut sat hunched with his elbows on his knees, a Corona dangling from his fingers between his legs, the condensation occasionally dripping down and caking stray grains of sand on top of his left foot. The other one wore a sweat and salt stained Atlanta Braves cap to conceal his prematurely balding head and picked up a paper Coca-cola cup stuffed with paper towels and spit with experienced nonchalance.

“That’s disgusting dude.”

“Your mother likes it.”

The lawyer took a swig of beer and chuckled. “So what did you tell your Principal?”

“I told that bitch I get five sick days and I haven’t taken any and school’s almost out so I’d see her fat ass Tuesday or Wednesday and she shouldn’t bother with a sub ’cause those dumb shits they gave me this year wouldn’t even realize I was gone.”

“In other words, you called in sick this morning and apologized for the inconvenience.”

“Exactly. What did you tell your boss?”

“I said I needed a couple of days and did he mind. He said “you’re a professional, I don’t care when you get your work done as long as it gets done, have fun and don’t bother me with shit like this next time.”

“I shoulda went to law school.”

“You won’t be saying that come June.”

“Damn right.”

They sat in companionable silence for several minutes and nursed their beers. The lawyer finally set his bottle between them and walked away without saying a word. The Braves fan lifted his eyebrows and watched him leave and put his own empty between them on his side and picked up the Coca-cola cup and spit. Left to his own thoughts, he reconsidered quitting early so he could go back to the room and shower. He’d pretty much given up finding a decent girl for the time being, but he wouldn’t mind getting laid. Then again, their track record at places like this wasn’t too damn good, so what the hell, might as well just enjoy getting fucked up and diggin’ on the band. The lawyer returned as suddenly as he had left and handed him a beer and said “look over there in front of the Port-o-lets.”

“Day-um.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth.”

“Why don’t you go talk to her, counselor?”

“Conditions ain’t right.”

“Pussy.”

“Well then why don’t YOU go talk to her if you’re such a badass?”

“Conditions ain’t right.”

“Uh-huh. That’s what I thought.”

“I think your shoulders are starting to get red.”

“Dang. Rub some of this on me.” The sunscreen hung between them for several seconds as they stared blankly at one another.

Eventually, “Fuck you counselor. Not here. I’ll get a reputation and there won’t be a bitch on the panhandle willing to jump in the sack with me.”

“There already ain’t a bitch on the panhandle willing to jump in the sack with you, Coach. If I miss a spot and get skin cancer and die I’m coming back and hauntin’ your ass.”

“Maybe it’ll help me pick up a goth chick.”

The lawyer’s beer was already getting warm in the bottom so he slammed the rest and placed the bottle on Coach’s side with a flourish. “Your turn, make sure they get us a cold one from the bottom and make it snappy.”

The coach got up and went the long way around via the Port-o-lets and smiled to himself. “Gonna be a long night.”

Posted in Life, People, Writing | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments

TB On Oscar (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

Quote of the Day:

“The only point in making money is you can tell any SOB in the world to go to hell.     –Humphrey Bogart

  1. Is it really necessary to have a prestigious accounting firm to tabulate “over 6000 votes?” Honestly, TB will count the votes for half of whatever Price-Waterhouse charges and I’ll look a lot cooler delivering the briefcases than Mssr’s P&W. Saying “count” in place of “tabulate” makes it a lot more cost effective by the way.
  2. You know that joke in the opening when they told that kid with the skinny eyes and the neck goiter from the Vampire movie and the other young dude they would look like  Steve Martin and  Alec Baldwin in five years? Then they cut to Jeff Bridges? I would’ve said “this is what you will look like in ten years.” That’s Gold, seriously. But overall I enjoyed the hosting and the opening duologue, and I cracked up at the Baldwin-Clooney stare-downs. Props to Doogie Howser for the opening number too. As the night wore on, I decided we could’ve done without Baldwin. Martin could handle the stare-down joke on his own, too.
  3. I’m married. I am at home today. Therefore I watched twenty-six hours of red carpet, the whole show and the post mortem. Hey this is her Super Bowl. With the excuses now behind me…..Sarah Jessica Parker is not the hottest chick in Hollywood by any stretch. But I’m down with the whole dress strap around the neck look. Forget what you think about her guys, we all dig that look, am I wrong?
  4. The greatest movie ever is Casablanca. The Rambler informs me this is the first year since Casablanca swept the night in 1943 that ten movies were nominated for best picture. That’s some solid trivia, make a mental note of it.
  5. See the first four sentences of No. 3. I thought Charlize Theron wore possibly the least sexy dress of all time. The boob circles made her look like a 90 year old body double from the neck to the belly. Or, they looked like vaginas. On the chest. TB ain’t no Picasso fan.
  6. I was glad to see my old XM Cross-Country (The Suck Stopped There) buddy Ryan Bingham win for “Best Song.” Really need to see Crazy Heart. I was pulling for that movie even though I haven’t seen it yet. Illogical yes, you can’t pigeonhole me.
  7. I did see District 9. Yeah, I got that it was social commentary. I even agreed with the commentary. Didn’t like the movie though.
  8. Please Coen Bros. Please Jeff Bridges. Bring back the Dude. But only if Sam Elliot will play God again.
  9. The John Hughes tribute was cool. Molly Ringwald was a fright.
  10. I saw Precious. Yeah, I love my wife, I ain’t scared to say it. That movie’s not my bag, but it deserves the plaudits. A sad, sad, sad story, and convincingly performed with minimal melodrama.
  11. I missed everything from 8:50-9:45 while on Little Scamp bath and bedtime duty.
  12. Review No. 3 again. Kate Winslet looked great and I like the way she talks. So did Clooney. Yeah, I said it. I liked Anna Kendrick too. James Cameron’s ex-wife is totally hotter than his current one, but it looked like they all get along, which is nice. I probably ought to see The Hurt Locker.
  13. Wouldn’t it be cool if they had nominated something like The Hangover for “Best Makeup ” or “Sound Achievement?” or “Best Animated Short” or some other category nobody cares about outside the 90210? If I were voting it would probably be Best Picture but since the Academy eschews comedy, they could at least throw out a bone for a true classic that, unlike most of the 27 nominees for Best Picture, will NOT be forgotten in a year, and on Sunday afternoons for the next twenty-five years, between dubbed versions of Smoky and the Bandit and Breakfast Club we could also see a hilarious-in-its-own-way censor approved version of The Hangover, introduced in the interminable “Yella Wood” commercials, “and now, back to the Academy Award winning, The Hangover.” I tell you one thing…if TB was counting the votes, I could make it happen. And save the Academy a bundle in the process.
  14. When I get old I want to be like Christopher Plummer. Well, that’s assuming I can’t be like Clooney.
  15. Up in the Air was good. They nailed the work-travellin life. Clooney rules. But Oscar? Sorry, no. And Clooney for Best Actor? He plays a good-hearted, charming, roguish, independent, smooth-talking ladies man. This role was not a stretch.
  16. Who thinks Sandra Bullock is hot? I mean by Hollywood standards. She just doesn’t crank my engine. I ain’t just hatin’ just because she played an Ole Miss grad either. Kate Beckinsale is hot. I didn’t see her tonight. Michelle Pfeiffer’s still got it. I’ll say this for Sandra, she seems like a pretty cool chick and gave a good acceptance speech.
  17. Tim Robbins had the line of the night (unless somebody got one off between 8:50-9:45) introducing Morgan Freeman. Paraphrasing here, “Morgan Freeman taught me what it means to be a friend. On the last day of shooting Shawshank, he pulled me aside and said “Friendship is getting the other person a cup of coffee. Could you do that for me, Ted?”
  18. T-Bone Burnett. Good music. Awesome name. Cool shades, at night, indoors. Looks like he works at Price-Waterhouse? Doesn’t add up.
  19. Best visual of the night–Tom Hanks almost forgot to give the statue for Best Picture to the beautiful and talented Catherine Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker and the night’s big winner.
  20. TB stayed up twenty-three minutes longer than I wanted to so I could bring you these observations and opinions. So you better appreciate it. That and I thought I might get to hear Clooney make an acceptance speech. Yeah, I like him, he’s a beautiful and talented man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  21. Discuss amongst yourselves.
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