Quote of the Day:
“I went home with a waitress, the way I always do; how was I to know, she was with the Russians too?” –Warren Zevon
Far and away the most interesting, non-depressing news story of the summer is the recent capture and subsequent exchange of ten Russian deep-cover spies for four agents of our own. Here’s an article from today that sums up the affair nicely.
What is so great about this story, a story I’m pretty certain in which we have been told very few details, is that the spies were just living ordinary lives. Again, that’s the narrative. Seems implausible that the Russkies would send over a group of folks to join the PTA and Facebook, but I’ll accept it. Here is something else that is unlikely–that we got them all. Now, maybe we know where some more are and we just wanted to round up enough to make a trade, or just to let Putin know we’re paying attention, but if there were ten sent over here to lead “normal” American lives, isn’t it just as likely there were ten thousand? Think of the mayhem they could create in an effort to undermine American unity, cohesion and civility, sending chain emails, starting Amway pyramids, driving too slow in the passing lane and whatnot. Truth is, this deep cover operation the Russians are using to attack us could be much more dangerous than the “so-called traditional media” has even begun to report.
Never fear, TB has been on the case. I have collected a preliminary list of things to look for as you go about your daily life, trying to spot the Russians amongst us.
- At cocktail parties your neighbor, “Joe” always tells jokes that start out, “A priest, a rabbi and a capitalist-imperialist-pig walk into a bar…”
- Your co-worker let’s slip during that uncomfortable period of enforced small talk that is required after monthly birthday cake time in the break room that as a child she could “see Alaska from her house.”
- Your college roommate’s favorite teams are the Cincinnati Reds, the St. John Red Storm and the Chicago Bears.
- When the plumber comments admirably upon your home brew set-up, he casually works in a question about your nuclear capabilities.
- At book club, the moderator is constantly complaining that Oprah won’t make “War and Peace” one of her selections.
- Your bartender, Svetlana, speaks Russian, Czech, Hungarian, Mandarin Chinese, and ebonics, and occasionally asks you to leave an unmarked, sealed manilla envelope behind the yellow fire hydrant up the street–NOT the red one–the yellow one that’s got all the bushes growing around it.
- Your friend’s Facebook status reads “Boris like Borscht, Vodka, the 1972 Summer Olympics Basketball Final, Vladimir Putin and 6 other pages.”
- Your wife thinks the “Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” is crude, borderline racist and completely not funny.
- Your insurance agent, Natasha, thinks the war in Afghanistan is going swell, and what we really need to do is commit to remaining in country for at least a generation longer.