Quote of the Day:
“The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who have not got it. – George Bernard Shaw
First of all, let me say that the first five of these are stolen from a friend; they are also the funniest. I thought they were worth passing along in addition to my own contributions. Feel free to add to the list:
Good news, Bad News from our Friends at British Petroleum-
- Mermaids are real! But they are now extinct.
- Fish from the Gulf of Mexico are more oil rich than those from any other place in the world. But it’s not Omega 3.
- So far, only tar balls have washed up on most beaches. Unfortunately tar wieners are on the way.
- The company just hired an oil whisperer to talk to the oil in hopes of taming it. His name is Glenn Beck.
- Dozens of new family beach activities have been developed by the PR department. Among the best are “Count the Dead Birds”, “Smack the Greasy Manatee” and “Mommy I Got Crude Oil in My Eye!”
- An internal company expert panel has determined the spill will have no negative impact whatsoever on the children of the Gulf Coast. So long as they are born after April 30, 2107.
- Company environmentalists have made a major breakthrough in communicating with dolphins. A preliminary translation gave great hope that we had much in common with the species as it was thought the dolphins were saying “Holy crap, the freakin’ ipod is killer!” After further review the final translation turned out to be “holy crap, you freakin’ killed my whole pod!
- Black is the new brown. Pelicans can’t fly or breathe any more.
- The oil industry has a history of paying all legitimate claims and staying involved with cleaning up their messes until everything is restored to a pristine condition. Oh wait, no they don’t.
- Sandra Bullock is back! The oil spill is now ten times worse than the Exxon Valdez and growing.
- Condos in Orange Beach are going to be really cheap this summer. But you probably shouldn’t strike a match.
- Louisiana and Mississippi are not the only places that produce shrimp. We can’t understand why this didn’t make everyone feel much better.
- The CEO of BP’s life has been utterly ruined by the disaster. He’ll still make more money next quarter than most of us will in our lives.
- In a sideways universe BP is a force for good. An ethical, honest company that contributes to the economic, environmental and social well-being of the entire world. Sadly, sideways universes are fictional. (caveat, if they are real, BP probably still sucks.)
- We never thought we’d see the likes of Katrina. We never thought we’d see a spill like this. The odds of both occurring in one decade were remote, but this is probably as bad as it can get. The odds are just astronomical of another similar calamity happening. Then again, bad things come in threes.
- BP is firing 147 people connected with the company’s negligence. The have all been hired by Exxon.
- The board of directors has allocated a billion dollars to pay preliminary financial awards to all legitimate claimants. They have determined that Tony Hayward has the only “legitimate” claim for damages.
- The chemical oil dispersants are successfully breaking up the oil. They are also creating a race of mutant laser wielding jellyfish bent on world domination.