Quote of the Day:.
“Originality is nothing but judicious imitation. The most original writers borrowed one from another.” –Voltaire
TB needs help. I’m having a hard time lately keepin’ the TBU spinning on its axis. This is where you come in. Post your suggestions below, either an old ARB story, a current event, nonsense, or whatever and I’ll see if I can do something with it. If you like, email your suggestions to me at email@example.com.
In the meantime, courtesy of the fine folks over at Supercynic, aka The Daily Wit, I bring you the topic of “Viral Medieval Chain Emails”, which I thought was very Pythonesque. TDW contributed number one and yours truly number two over at the Supercynic site. I’m adding to that today and solicit your contribution to this list along with the suggestions begged for above.
- Viral religious email of the 4th Century: “God is great. Now go tell 10 people or a dragon will burn down your village.”
- Political: “Rebel against Ethelred. He is not only Unready, but he can’t prove he wasn’t born in Northumbria and he has a secret plan to institute feudalism and come to your hovel and take your spears away.”
- News Item: Cleric blames recent plague on scantily clad wenches, the general debauchery for which Orléans is infamous and a deal with the devil made by Joan of Arc.
- Commentary: “Did everyone hear the town crier last night? He said that there is a war being waged by Christmas on the Winter Solstice. I ain’t saying I agree with everything the crier, um, cries, but it makes you think, don’t it?”
- Elections: “Hi, I’m Brother Ignatius P. Reilly and I’m asking for your support in my campaign for reelection as District Inquisitor. Last year we tried 278 witches by every fair and balanced method known to the church–tying them to a millstone and throwing them in the river to see if they would float, sticking their arms in boiling water, and my personal favorite, waterboarding, and we convicted every single one. And we all love the weekly burnings at the stake. But it is costly to do the Lord’s work. So if you support my efforts I simply ask you to send either five live chickens, or if you can’t afford that just send your 5-8 year old sons to my hut for a week, one at a time. If you support my opponent and his fancy scroll-learnin’ you must be a witch.”
- Social Justice: “Do you realize we are the only village in the Holy Roman Empire that does not provide universal leech coverage? When you send your little boy in to do his time with the monk, have him stop by the Earl’s manor and make your feelings on this known. Only when the rich begin to bleed the poor will we have change we can believe in.”
- War: “All we hear from the mainstream liberal Jewish merchants who pass through the market each season is how bad the crusades are going over in the Middle East. But why don’t they ever report the good news? My cousin is in the Knights of Malta and he says things are going great.”
- Sports: “I heard the Christians just signed some dude named Spartacus. Man, next year is our year. We’re finally gonna whip them Tigers.”
- Ethnic Jokes: “How many Visigoths does it take to change a lightbulb? A million. One to screw it in and 999,999 to sack Rome.”
- Entertainment: “Did you see John Stewart last night? He told the town crier to go fuck himself. Hilarious.” (John Stewart vs Bernie Goldberg)
I don’t have much in me — long day — but here are a few.
11. Neanderthal facebook status: Killed mammoth. Make coat.
12. 4th Century Nordic facebook status: Thank you Thor for all your many blessings like allowing me to sack that village and rape and pillage its residents. Cut and paste this today if you’re not ashamed to admit you love Thor.
13. Jews under Pharoah facebook status: Sick of making these damn bricks. Where the hell is Charlton Heston?
14. Amelia Earhart facebook status: I can’t seem to find the island where we’re supposed to……….
15. Lassie’s facebook status: Look you idiot, shut up about the kid in the damn well. I said I’m hungry. I’m hungry. For f*** sake, I’m hungry.
Number 12 is excellent. “11” is a keeper too, and maybe 15. Old Testament Facebook updates have unlimited potential what with the locusts and the parting seas and whatnot.
Other than number two, of my own I really only rate “9” a keeper, though “4” and “7” are close.
that’s some funny sheet fellas. If I weren’t out of 5 hour energy drinks here at the office, I might be able to contribute.