Quote of the Day:
“Shame may prevent what law does not prohibit.” –Seneca
One of the new cliches introduced in the Obama era is “teachable moment.” The idea is that shameful acts or comments can be redeemed if the offending behaviors become catalysts for greater understanding and empathy. The recent outbursts by Kanye West and Joe Wilson, the two runaway leading exemplars of boorish behavior this year, got me thinking about how they could use their collective infamy as a force for good. My conclusion? They should team up and travel through time interrupting the moments when history took a turn for the worse.
First stop–the Garden of Eden.
Serpent–Really Eve, this apple will blow your mind. Not only is it juicy delicious, it will make you really wise, like God-wise.
Eve–(startled and uncertain now) Hmmmm, it DOES sound like a damn dubious claim serpent, but what could it hurt? Maybe I’ll give it a try. (Raises apple toward mouth)
Kanye–(takes apple from Eve) Im’ma let you eat this in just a minute, but I just wanna say, them oranges over there is the best damn fruit in this whole garden, everybody knows that.
Eve–(stares blankly as Kanye returns apple and disappears with Joe in a flash of time machine vapor)
KanJoe could also do a lot of good for humanity by correcting some more recent blunders. Let’s drop the time machine in Hollywood, 1993.
Agent–Kev-o, great to see you, my favorite client, the biggest name in the biz, have I got some projects for you. Two BIG ones. I’ve already read the scripts so you don’t have to–Waterworld and The Postman–all you have to do is sign here and I’m gonna make you boffo.
Kanye–(taking contract away as agent passes it to Kevin)–Im’ma let you sign this in a minute, but first I just wanna say Bull Durham is the best damn baseball movie I ever saw and everybody knows it, so you ought to keep doing characters like that.
Kevin Costner–Well, I pay this guy a lot to help me advance my career Kanye, maybe I ought to listen to his advice.
Agent–Kev–baby, TRUST ME, I know the biz, I know what the people want. I’m looking out for you.
Kevin–(stares blankly at the skid marks on agent’s desk as KanJoe disappears in the mists of time)
And when they aren’t off saving the world from itself, they could moonlight as a tag team in Wrestlemania. Picture this scene:
Hulk Rogaine–(standing in the ring with a mic)–I am the Greatest wrestler. I’m the Greatest Reality TV star. I’m the Greatest Dad.
Kanye–(storms into ring and snatches mic away)–Im’ma let you finish, but everybody knows that naked dude from Survivor is the greatest reality TV star.
(The music comes on and Kanye’s mic is silenced. The Theme from 2000 A Space Odyssey blares, Ric Hair enters the ring.)
Ric–Whooooooooooooo. I’m a limousine ridin, jet flyin, kiss stealin sonofagun. Whooooooooooo.
(crowd goes nuts cheering the baby faces when suddenly the lights go out. When they come back on Joe Wilson is in the ring wearing a one piece wrestling tight with a necktie.)
Hulk–Now that’s going too far Joe. You need to apologize right now.
Kanye sucker punches Hulk in the solar plexus while Joe throws a handful of eye burning dust previously concealed in his codpiece at Ric. Kan-Joe commences to beatin down the heroes as the crowd boos lustily. Serena Williams runs into the ring after Kan-Joe has rendered unconscious both Hulk and Ric with multiple blows from steel chairs. For some reason she has on a striped shirt. She counts out both Hulk and Ric 1-2-3, shoves a tennis ball down each of their throats and raises Kan-Joe’s hands in triumph before fleeing the ring with a mob of regular refs in chase.