The Pelican Club

Obvious Choice Quote of the Day     “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”   — Groucho

I’ve never been a member of a club.  Well, I was a member of the Aquatic Club, but that was just a fancy name for a pay up front swimming pool.  And I think I got in Key Club my senior year of high school even though I never actually accepted the honor.  Besides those two, no clubs.  One of the chief reasons for this is I don’t really like them.

But if there was a club I liked, I’d be in it.  Inspired by a series of detective novels, I almost started one several years ago with my friends Ed and AS.  We even threw around the idea of buying an old house near the mouth of the Pascagoula River.  It turned out to be a good idea not to buy the house because it turned in to a boat during Katrina; a shipwreck after. We were going to call it The Pelican Club after the detective’s watering hole in the books.  I haven’t given up on the idea though its been dormant for quite awhile now.

I suspect that most money in this world is made by people who have the inside scoop.  They know the people that know the people that are getting ready do “the next big thing.”  I don’t think I know many of those people.  But I do know a few folks I’d like to get together.  First, they’d be intellectually honest types. No hypocrites allowed either.  They’d have to pass an intelligence test, possibly based on how much they agree with me on certain subjects.  I’d want a cross-section of political and religious views lest we have nothing other than sports over which to argue. There would be a humor test, also administered by the founder.  If someone was a borderline prospect, I’d make the final decision based upon what play they would run on third and goal from the one. 

We’ll need someone who knows the construction business and someone who knows local government.  We’ll have a good many lawyers and we’ll try to find a doctor and a minister.  We’ll need a ne’er do well, full time I mean, and a banker.  Lots of bankers.  A chef would be nice but a cook would do, a couple of engineers and an accountant.  On second thought, we’ll just hire an accountant.  Finally, we’ll need a couple of sports world insiders, at least one apiece from State and Ole Miss.

So now that we have a membership, we need to do something.  At the Pelican Club we’ll value food and drink, so regular weekend activities will revolve around those.  We’ll travel together and pool our ability to get enough independence from the kids to allow for white water rafting, skiing, hiking, and other activities unfriendly to short arms and legs.  We’ll tell dirty jokes and hang taxidermied fish on the walls and line other walls with bookshelves filled to the ceiling.  There will be globes and maps and chess sets, though anyone caught playing chess will be ejected from the premises.

And we will conspire to gain power and wealth. 

It will all be perfectly legal and ethical, of course.  We’ll share information and contacts.  We’ll invest as a group in great ideas too big for our cash to go toward individually.  We’ll spread the word on the best jobs and we’ll concentrate our growing power at every opportunity.  We’ll eventually work as a group on issues to benefit the greater good–yes, TB has an idealistic side–please, no pigeonholing. We’ll keep the doors barred to anybody who’s in a club more elite than our own.  

If we ever actually attain wealth and power we’ll kick each other out and disband immediately.  The Pelican Club must never become the Country Club.

Bonus Quote of the Day   “Exxxxxcellent.” (hands rubbing together)   — Montgomery Burns

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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3 Responses to The Pelican Club

  1. Ed says:

    Dear TB,

    If there was one skill I ever taught you, it was the secret of breaking into the silly house lock placed by our friends the Realtors.

    Our Pelican Club had a gym, Sanders and Lardo never mentioned one. Swimming in the Ocean was all that was needed. Swimming the the Pascagoula would probably give one the Kramer-esque East River result. Referencing Seinfeld is too easy, which is probably its genius. I hardly ever reference Some Kind of Wonderful or Legend. And if I did (I’d bet my hands on it – SKW) no one would get it.

    Future subjects…using esque to describe things. How to hide a vehicle subject to repossession. Real v. Electric Darts. Where the best produce comes from – featuring your parents. Avoiding Arrest: My story of putting a beer down by the tire of my car at the point. How to spot a real redneck dive. Peter Pan: A mythical grove creature. Places you could live renting Golf Carts.

  2. Some good future subjects. Go back in the archives to see my Father’s Day tribute and the subject of produce.

    Other possible subjects: Potential SNL game show skits; Self Dry Cleaning techniques you can use at 2 am in a car; NOT maiming someone on Beach Boulevard; where to spend your wages–house or boat; great wrestling interviews; A Mississippi Festivus

  3. Ed says:

    Tuesdays with Latil (3 f’ing volumes), Coping with 4 colors, Girls that sleep with Old Guys, I Can’t believe he’s a Pilot, The Perfect Lobby Underwear, 334 Locks: A study in drunken persistence, Trips to Memphis in the backseat, and the pièce de résistance…Hello, I’m B W, your Lawyer…My Life in Family Law with special introduction from Jenny E.

    Jenny loves the Pelican.

    Mississippi festivus is a short story.

    Beach Blvd is a Stephen King novella.

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