Quote of the Day:
“I dabbled in witchcraft. I never joined a coven.” –Christine O’Donnell (TP)
Behold Christine O’Donnell. The best thing that ever happened to Ron Paul and Sharon Angle. The Palinest of them all. A mirror of America. The best candidate Koch Industries could buy. I mean….buy? Hell I only read one out of every ten articles on this chick I come across, yet I can’t even comprehend the possibility that I might be missing something. I sincerely, honestly hope she goes to the Senate. For if she does, I will go to an all-O’Donnell-all-the-time format. She’s that good. Best I’ve ever seen.
Today’s article was about her penchant for puffing. No, not that kind of puffing, though it can’t be long before that revelation comes out. Hmmm, why did I choose the phrase “come out?” But never mind that. We were talking about puffery, or what was known back in ‘Goula as makin’ shit up on your resume. Years of claiming a degree from Fairleigh Dickinson? Hey, she got one this year, so maybe that part was just anticipatory. But “attended Oxford University” has now become “took a class sponsored by Phoenix College”–you know–the beauty school/typing school/data entry college. They rented a room at Oxford U and as far as we can currently tell, CO was there. Claremont Graduate School has become “a fellowship at Claremont” a conservative think tank where she sat in on a three hour seminar I suppose.
Here’s the thing, anybody that can send Karl Rove over the edge can’t be all bad. And you can’t argue with her success. Maybe she’s on to something with this puffery. And hey, come to think of it, like O’Donnell I was more or less chaste for extended segments of my wasted youth, not for lack of trying of course, but that’s beside the point. And I’ve been out with a few witches too, usually during the non-chaste periods (God luv’em). So, yeah, TB can do it. Consider this epistle TB’s write-in campaign for…well….pretty much anything. Not sure who you want to vote for this November, but still wanna throw the bums out? Vote TB, TP candidate for, um, office, and stuff.
Credentials you ask? I’m glad you asked. I’ll even go ahead and break the embarrassing details before some blogger tries to frame the details in a way that might not suit. Just ignore that part.
My foreign policy experience is vastly huge. I have traveled extrinsically. I once took a trip from Athens (TX) to Paris (TX) to Palestine (TX). I’ve been to Egypt and Lebanon (MS). Growing up I could see BP from my back porch (really more of a patio and I could only see it in my imagination, which I never actually probably did).
My edumacational background? I attended college at one of the finest veterinary schools in these U S of A’s. (Majored in history). Grad school at Oxford. (That school up north.) Post-graduate degree obtained at Texas in a chemistry-related field. (Budweiser school for 30 minutes at the State Fair). I been told I’m prolly not half as dumb as most people think. (Thanks RSR.)
I am very devoutly spiritualistically divine. I believe that God created baseball and I stupendously reject any bombastic spasmadic teachings that the game so-called “evolved”. (“In the big inning, God created the heavens and the Earth.” Genesis 1:1.)
Afraid once I get to DC I’ll just join that inside the beltway mentalist and get bought off by the lobbyests? Well, I pledge here and now to never accept one single solidarity dime of their money (but if Gaddafi will pay a million, it’s ayatollah rock-in-rollah in the mullah).
Worried about how our children will pay for our future debts? I promise to cut the deficit. (I didn’t say that right at all did I? Oh well, the people know what I meant.) We will reduce Warshington tax and spending oncet and for all. (I’m not really that good with numbers, there I said it).
Think the stimulus, TARP, Health Care Bill, Civil Rights Act, 1st through 14th mementos, and Arbor Day are bad ideas? I promise to never vote for any of them. (I’ll be hungover that day anywhoo.) Oh, I just heard the second memento is about guns. Well I’ll never vote for that either I’ll maybe just have a memento that you can pry my AK47 from my cold dead hams, that’s so not fortification.
And last but not leaves, we have the issue of vacation…err…ignition…err….immolation…dang that was close…um…you know, that thing where the Iranians come up from Costco to roof our houses. I’m against that and I will support a national statue ordering David Copperhead to make them all disappear. On TV. (After they finish up at my house and that bitch gets back to the table with my case of dias and a cervixa.)
So waddayasay. Write in TB (TP) for something. Something that pays well. My student loans from Oxford need to get paid.
Thank you for your attentions.
Who the hell is this idiot? Someone might want to advise him on memorizing his speeches a little better. He seemed to get caught up on trying to remember what he was running for and what he had run for previously. Wouldn’t that be in the old memory bank? And is he on crank, or just a psycho? Let’s pray he is not elected, but, then again, will it really matter?
I just thought it must have been a really nice group of folks in Stark County to not only let him finish but give him a round of applause. He’s probably like their mascot or something.
I saw that video a few weeks ago and it is, hands down, the best internet nugget of 2010.
I write to defend Ms. O’Donnell, who I call Joan as in Joan of Arc. You can make fun of Joan all you like, but you’ll not tear her down. She’s much too tough. I’ll give you a few examples of how tough she is. Remember when Gorbachev finally allowed the Berlin Wall to come down? Joan talked him into it. (He was on tv and Joan was on her couch in Dover, but she still talked to him.)
Remember when Boris Yeltsin stood on a tank in defiance of the Communists? Joan was driving that tank. (Well, she wasn’t driving that particular tank — actually she wasn’t even driving a tank, her nephew was playing with a tank near her.)
Remember the Alamo? Well, good. We should never forget it.
Remember when W. choked on that pretzel and almost died? Who do you think had the bravery and know-how to save him? Damn right. Joan. (She didn’t save W., but Joan likes pretzels a lot.)
The point here is that while Joan never attended the schools she says she did nor has she talked with a world leader or saved anyone’s life, if given the chance, she could do it. And that’s all that matters. So, the next time Joan says something like she once saved 17 blind students from a burning building, she doesn’t mean that she technically entered a building that was on fire that had blind school children in it. She merely means that maybe one day if faced with that situation, she might save them.
Joan for Senate.
P.S. I used to write speeches for Ronald Reagan*, so there.
*I used to mail him speeches, but I don’t know that he ever read them. The Secret Service eventually came to my house as a “precaution” and told me to stop sending the President letters.
once again just wanted to say thanks for your posts
Hey, there were applause scenes from Lucas and Can’t Buy Me Love in there TB!! Two excellent 80’s flicks!!! Nice. Was that for TDW in recognition of that nice little yarn he spun? I get it.