Quote of the Day “What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.” –Seneca, 1st century Roman philosopher
Over the course of Third Week and Thanksgiving Holidays, TB had occasion to observe the spending habits of some wealthy folks. What I saw was as perplexing as it was astonishing. The rich really don’t know have a clue about how to effectively spend their money. They need help. They need a purchasing department. They need TB’s years of experience in the fields of yearning, avarice and envy to better capitalize on their good fortunes. Here are some of the heartbreaking examples of the plight these people face at which I’ve marvelled over the last several days:
- A southern man transplanted to New York City likes to travel and likes to return to Mississippi quite often. He flies in to Memphis on commercial airlines and rents a car to drive to his home, purchased in recent years for money that could’ve put him slopeside in Colorado. For just a small amount more, in relative terms, TB could put him in that slopeside condo, get him a nice place in Mississippi and buy him a part interest in a private airplane. The investments would have greater long term value than his current spending provides, and the time savings alone would make the airplane worthwhile. TB could get all this done in exchange for a couple of weeks usage of that Colorado real estate and a few sky rides to get me there. I even have leads on a couple of pilots he could hire at a discount rate.
- A professional athlete, also residing in New York City, likes to go out on the town. As a well known and sometimes controversial personality, he’s aware that he could be accosted from time to time. So he buys a gun and carries it with him to the club. Yadda yadda yadda, his leg gets a hole in it and his pro career may be down the drain. While there’s not much I can do for this particular ig-no-ramus, I can help others similarly situated. I figure a pro football salary for someone in actual danger of being recognized is around three million a year, not counting endorsements. For about two hundred grand a year, TB will buy your gun for you. Then I’ll put it in the hands of someone who is not a mo-ron and pay them to follow your sorry ass valuable assets around town. As a bonus, I can probably get you a good deal on a condo rental in either Colorado or Mississippi.
- This one may be my favorite. It happens all over the country, but I’ve been closely following the situation involving Mississippi State’s football team. The Bulldogs found themselves in the position of needing to say goodbye to their football coach. As a fan of the Bullies, I was pleased to hear that some wealthy fan, or small group of fans, decided to put up enough money (3 million dollars) to buy out the fired coach’s contract. And to get a new coach, they’ve guaranteed the athletic director another couple of million a year for the next ten years or so. But as a “high wealth spending consultant” I have to say, “are you out of you’re freakin mind?” Hey I get it. It sucks to have a bad football team. It really sucks to lose 45-0 to Ole Miss. And its gonna really suck if you have to do it all over again in five years. There has got to be a better way to spend your money. Setting aside the millions of ways to spend your millions that make more sense than being obsessed over a low level college football program (as your “high wealth spending consultant” I’m trained to indulge your eccentricities), you’re strategy is far too simplistic. There’s a better way to direct your largesse. Go ahead and sell a little more GM stock, or outsource a couple hundred more jobs to China, or do whatever the hell it is you do to raise petty cash, and give me the jack you’d normally be spending on the next buyout. With that, I’m going to buy season tickets for about 5000 people who live in places like Batesville, Meridian and Tupelo. This is going to help your team’s home field advantage, reputation, and presence in key talent rich communities and could potentially lead to a bigger stadium to go along with that 6 million dollar scoreboard you just bought (oh how I could’ve helped you with that money). All those folks will buy their own chickens-on-a-stick so the program will generate additional revenue on its own. With the rest of your buyout money, I’m gonna hire a team of gun-totin baby-sitters to follow around your team’s prima donnas scholar athletes to keep them out of trouble and on the field. This alone should ensure no more defeats to the likes of Louisiana Tech and Maine. Throw in another million or two and I’ll make Stark Vegas glitter. Have you seen all the celebs that hang out at USC games? Think recruits don’t dig that? Look, everybody loves seeing Harvey Hull and his maroon blazer wearing brethren being honored before gametime. But the kids, and you’ll have to trust me on this one, would be a little more impressed with someone a little more famous with the under 70 crowd, a lot younger, a lot prettier, and with a lot less clothes. I’ll use those bonus funds to get some starlets on the sidelines. Hell I bet Brittany Spears and her kid sister would do it on the cheap.
As anyone who’s not rich can attest, the wealthy need help. They need more imagination and innovation, apparantly having used up their allotment attaining wealth in the first place. They need Travellinbaen’s High Wealth Spending Consulting Service. Won’t you help them? TB’s always here.