Go Forth, Exonerated

Quote of the Day:

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I’m one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.” –Sarah Silverman (who you really ought to follow on Twitter)

TB was intrigued by today’s breaking news that Pope Benedict, in his new book, officially exonerated the Jews in the crucifixion of Jesus. Now, to be fair, the Catholic Church has taught this truth since 1965 (blank stare). But this new absolution of, um, every Jew who ever lived except for a few that were actually involved in the arrest and actual death of Christ, is important because Benedict is an academic, a theologian’s theologian. The Pope carefully analyzed each of the Gospels in his book and concluded that “it was the “Temple aristocracy” and supporters of Barabbas who were responsible.” Media reports make no mention of whether Benedict attributed any blame to the Romans who actually crucified Christ.

The best part–Benedict asks, referencing Jews past and present, “How could the whole people have been present at this moment to clamor for Jesus’ death?” Indeed. (blank stare).

You know what this means? It means beginning at approximately seven years of age, when I first heard something about the “Jews killing Jesus,” TB was already, unwittingly, a natural-born Biblical academic savant, a veritable fount (font?) of spiritual insight, a theologian’s theologian you might say.

Sigh.

You know, forgiveness is important. It’s really at the heart of what it means to be a Christian. I guess that’s why I found the reports of the Pope’s treatise both fascinating and welcome in these times of conflict and mistrust. Because it has absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness, unless viewed from the Jewish perspective, but rather about, um, justice? No. Biblical scholarship? Not quite. The ability to tell one’s ass from a hole in the ground? Yeah, that’s it. PB sets one helluva example of this if you asked me, and so, in keeping with the spirit of his pronouncement, TB, nee theologian, will now deliver verdicts of innocent to other long-sufferers:

  • I exonerate African-Americans for the shame of slavery. Hmm, while I’m at it, I’ll go ahead and exonerate every white person living today. And every Asian. What the hell, I exonerate all living beings, be they man or beast.
  • I exonerate Catholics for every crime committed The DaVinci Code, and I’ll throw in an Angels and Demons kicker.
  • I exonerate the great Northwestern forests in the D.B. Cooper affair, the South Seas in the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, and the Andes Mountains for the movie Alive.
  • I exonerate General Sherman and every soldier in his army of guilt for the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. With a Confederate Army kicker.
  • I exonerate not only the current Pope, but all who Poped before him, in the criminal, unsolved death of logic, reason and independent thinking in the outside universe. I ask myself, “self, how could every Pope in history have been present at the moments when people decided that it was the sheep who really had things all figured out?”
  • I exonerate each and every snake in history, starting with snake number TWO, of human suffering. Still hate you freakin’ snakes, but not because of that whole business with the apple. You just creep me out with your slitherin’ and hissin’ and stranglin’ and poisonous teeth and whatnot.

And now suddenly, I find my mind turns to all the people that can still go to hell, starting with…..well, I better not. Not for me to judge.


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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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5 Responses to Go Forth, Exonerated

  1. Jessie Lou says:

    Although I’ve been unable to confirm this information, I have understood that PB has also done away with Purgatory – as a former minister of mine called it – “the great Jerry Lee’s check out in the sky”. Benedict will never be as beloved as John Paul but he tries to win favor as much as possible. I wonder if they didn’t think he would live very long when they elevated him to Pope.

  2. I found it ironic that the head of a city-state sitting smack dab in the middle of the city whose forefathers DID kill Jesus would find it in his heart to “forgive” the Jews.

    In unrelated news, Saudi Arabia has exonerated the airlines for the attacks on 9/11, and Hutus have forgiven machete manufacturers for the genocide in Rwanda.

  3. ZEEK says:

    As the almighty and unquestioned ruler over all I purvey in the BBRP, I hereby exonerate all you MSU Bulldogs fans who were sinful enough, ignorant enough, and unfortunate enough to not take the correct path to God’s country in Oxford and be Rebel fans. However, I do suggest repentance and reconsideration.

  4. Fernanda says:

    Hello Kelly, I just read your article and was very ispersmed by it. You are correct in your assessment regarding the continued imprisonment of innocent men and woman by a judicial system that simply do not care . Prosecutors who are merely puppets of the police . You and I need to talk you have my email address contact me at your earliest okay. I will be awaiting Anthony FaisonBrooklyn N.Y.

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