On The First Rant of Christmas, TB Gave To Me….

Quote of the Day:

Bah! Humbug!”     –Ebenezer Scrooge

….a lounge in the mall ain’t no lounge…..

Even if its at Saks. Listen up you little panty-waisted-skinny-jean-sportin-no-rimmed– glasses–wearin’ interior decorators…..I’ve had a long day walkin’ through your overly decorated and too brightly lit aisles dodgin’ little scamps and slow movin’ grandmas and waitin’ on cell phone distracted soccer moms for Jesus to find their checkbooks amongst all the lip balm and crayons and peppermints in their tote bags…..and when I see a sign for a lounge it’s the last straw. You know what a lounge is, you little knock-kneed-fashion-forward-disco-dancin’-fancy-boy twerp? It’s where I’m headed when I leave here. It has cigarette smoke that slaps you right in the face when you open the door and dares you to be man enough to defy it. There are two 1970’s era made-in-America RCA fourteen inch TV’s on a makeshift shelf in the corners above the bar–color TV’s, but the picture skips sometimes on all three channels. Oh yeah, there is a bar. It serves beer. And there’s a few well liquors back there just in case somebody really needs it. They’re all brown whiskeys. And if you ask the bartender chick who might have been semi-good lookin’ ten years, twenty thousand cigarettes and thirty tattoos ago for a purple hooter or a Red Bull she just stares back at you blankly. Maybe there’s a sign above her head that says “free beer tomorrow.” You can get a patty melt, the kind where the butter leaks out onto your shirt when you pick it up and you don’t care because there ain’t no chicks lookin’ to be impressed in a lounge so you just pour a little beer on it and take a big bite and look around to see if anybody’s sizin’ you up for a fight. In some lounges there’s a card table, maybe even  a pole with a three-foot diameter dance floor around it. And there’s ash trays full of butts, but nobody who’s smokin’ in there today seems to be using ’em. And there’s a Pac Man game in the corner that nobody plays. Did I mention there’s beer? And a pisser. And the pisser has every damn thing your little lounge has too and ads for a DUI lawyer and a bail bondsman just in case you need ’em, can your so-called “men’s lounge” say that? Didn’t think so. So quit callin’ it a lounge and remindin’ me of where I ain’t. ‘Cause by the time I got my Isotoners and a twelve pack of aaa batteries paid for I could’a used an hour or two in a real lounge instead gettin’ a lousy eyeful of your patronizin’ euphemistic excuse for one.

It was nice and clean though, so I appreciate that.

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About travellinbaen

I'm a 40 year old lawyer living in Ridgeland, Mississippi. I'm several years and a couple hundred miles removed from most of my old running buddies so I started the blog to provide an outlet for many of the observations and ideas that used to be the subjects of our late night/happy hour/halftime conversations and arguments.
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9 Responses to On The First Rant of Christmas, TB Gave To Me….

  1. irvineredd says:

    Wow was that just damn beautiful.

  2. Mac says:

    Agreed IR. *golf clap*

  3. ZEEK says:

    Said like a true naysayer TB, I.m proud of you son.

  4. Grammar Girl says:

    Joy to the World!

  5. coachteajay says:

    I was at a Lounge last night, even got a grease burger before I left.

  6. Sippy, your rant is exquisite. I look forward to seeing what comes next, especially some good scoop from the road when y’all take that Christmas trip.

    As for me, I’ve got 11 rants left to go, so stay tuned (I may combine a couple of ’em due to time constraints.) And I have to say, mine are mostly tongue in cheek. I love the Christmas season and all the family trappings/hassles that go along with it. I can even live with some of the over-commercialization, at least as it applies to the littlest kids. The super piety of the Facebook preachin’ world, I can do without, though the genuine, personal, mostly private kind I respect.

    • sippydog says:

      To that I can only give a hearty “Amen!” I’m not a complete ass about Christmas. But, life is enough of a rat race for society to ramp it up and then call it freaking holiday. Glad I discovered your blog. I’m officially subscribed now. Look forward to more.

  7. Pingback: your barista revealed

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