Quote of the Day:
“Batteries Not Included” –ubiquitous
……THREE triple AAA’s. Are you kidding me? What’s wrong with good old-fashioned all-American AA’s, two or four at a time no matter the product? What is this, some kind of ancient Chinese curse? You do realize, Mr. UBToys, that AAA batteries are only sold in twelve-packs. That means after I pay for four times as much power as I need so little Sally Slutzzz–the new Girlzzz doll that dresses like Kim Kardashian and says things to my precious, innocent, angelic Little Scamp like, “oh. my. god. math totally suxxx” and “uhhh, that is sooo ugggly”–just so Sally can dispense these pearls of wisdom from the minds of the marketing geniuses who brought us MTV without music to the impressionable ears of America’s future–after wasting that money I’m gonna be left with nine AAA’s rolling around in my junk drawer until next Christmas, cloggin’ up the place so I can’t put my hands on our measuring tape or the secret Coke codes that’s gonna win me the lottery or a safety pin or the four of clubs, until I need three more AAA’s for next year’s Sino-lead-coated treasure in which case I’ll find only two AAA’s remain and so another twelve pack will have to be bought ensuring the cycle will continue until the day comes when I need only a single AAA to go in my TV remote in which case the junk drawer will turn up only tape measures and bottle caps and paper clips and matchbox cars but not a single solitary AAA battery. Honestly, can’t we just outlaw AAA’s? And do they even make plain’ ol’ A’s? But I digress…..
…..TWO billing errors. Serenity now. Serenity now. “Yes “Joe” from Mumbai, or “Sven” or “Sahim” or whatever your real name is…..I spoke with “Bruce” last week, or “Jose” or “Rashi” or whatever his real name was. He ASSURED me this would all get straightened out….I ordered ONE Sally Slutzzz and you sent me TWO and charged me for two. I sent one back because that’s what Bruce said to do but then instead of a refund I got charged AGAIN. So I have paid for Sally Slutzzz three times and I only have one doll and that’s bad enough but do you realize I also had to buy twelve batteries to make her talk? But I digress. What’s that? Yes, I know she only requires three. Yes, I’ll save the rest for another toy. Just credit my account and we’re all good. No. I would not like to speak with someone about refinancing my house. I want my forty-seven dollars and twenty-three cents back. No-no-no. I do not want to order Barbara Boooty. So what if I have nine extra batteries! Don’t put that in the computer Joe! Joe, if I get a Barbara Boooty I’m comin’ over there and kickin’ your ass. I saw Slum Dog Millionaire Joe. I know what’s up in Mumbai Joe. No, I am not interested in subscribing to “Field and Stream.” Joe, PAY ME MY MONEY! Joe, don’t hang up! JOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..”……
and a lounge in a mall ain’t no lounge.
Bonus Quote of the Day:
“Made in China” –ubiquitous
Travellinbaen 
*wiping tears from my face* Thanks for making me ruin my perfect makeup today.
Hey – send me 4 of those triple a’s please – my son’s TV remote has been dead since Saturday. We have about 14 double a’s in the battery drawer – no triples.
Seriously, I laughed outloud from a knowing and empathetic place.
Needed two C batteries the other night for my dead clock, so I looked into my “tool drawer” for my battery stash. No C’s – but found…….you guessed it……. a mostly full pack of triple A’s. Great post!
I finally gave in and bought a huge pack of AAA batteries at Sam’s Club the other day. We will have them for years to come. Sally Slutzzz made me laugh all too hard, love it!!
What happend to pulling the string and the doll talked and said something different each time – see technology is not always better – at least for the consumer. The old version of your doll was called a Beatnik and she had long platinum blond hair, black legging and a stripped top. When you pulled her string she said “Like wow, I’m a beatnik” and “You’re groovy, like you know…”
Funny stuff.
When you really think about it, “batteries not included” is one of the greatest consumer injustices of all times. We have all been conditioned to understand that batteries are our responsibility. Indeed, when the rare product does come with batteries, we think God Himself has smiled upon us. And for that day, if only for that day, we smile a little more, we notice a little more the beauty of the trees, the warm embrace of a loved one. For those blissful hours, life is better because batteries were included.
But how did we get here? How can it be that the key–dare I say–foundational element of a toy or device is missing. The batteries. Yeah, they’re not included. What?
Yet we the proletariat take it every time. And there’s the great scam, so massive in breadth and depth that we don’t even question it anymore. Batteries not included. Well of course they wouldn’t be.
But if they tried that elsewhere, there’d be hell to pay. “My wife here bought this hair dryer, but the power cord is missing. It’s just the body of a hair dry with no source of power. It’s useless like this. We need the power cord.”
“Sorry, sir, the power cord is now sold separately on all hair dryers, electric blowers, and like devices. It’s the same concept as batteries.”
“Are you telling me the power cord is not included? That I’m just stuck with what amounts a big ugly fake gun? Without a power cord, that’s all it is. I guess you’re saying my wife should just take the powerless hair dryer, head outside and play cowboys and Indians with it in her wet hair. Maybe catch cold while she’s out there. Perhaps die. That’s what you’re telling me, ain’t it?”
“Sir, we sell power cords. Aisle 4. And, by the way, you can’t catch a cold from simply having wet hair.”
“Son, you better hush it right now before I come back there and slap that pretty little mouth of yours. I can’t have my family outside with their wet hair slinging all over the place playing cops and robbers with big brown fake guns. Are you crazy? What would the neighbors think? ‘Dont invite the Herringtons over less’n you want big wet spots on the back of the couch. They don’t have powered hair dryers.’ Son, I can’t have that. We’ll be a’takin a power cord, but we won’t be a’payin for it. You have a Merry Christmas now. But if I see a wethead in my neighborhood, you best hope they was going for the wet look. Otherwise, I’ll be back for more power cords. I guess I understand the batteries issue, but that’s where this foolishness ends. I think I’ve said my piece. C’mon, hon, let’s go get the damp out of your perm.”
As I sit hear with my wet curly hair I am at once both humored by your post and relieved that I won’t catch a cold in this 40 degree weather. You would not want to see my hair after a blow dry – huge frizz afro – but that is a story for another day. Good comment TDW – much enjoyed!
Funny stuff TDW.
Obviously, batteries are not included because:
(a) they have a shelf life, and a box of hairdryers ot radios might sit in a hot warehouse for months before being shipped to Wal-Mart and ultimately sold to Aunt Stella. By the time the product is sold to the public, the battery would either be dead or significantly diminished. Imagine all the complaints the manufacturer would get from people who bought a product which had dead batteries – especially after paying “extra” to have the batteries included.
(b) not including batteries in the product keeps the hair dryer manufacturer out of the products liability suits for any problems people have with batteries. the dang ambulance-chasing personal injury lawyers ruin everything 🙂