“The only point in making money is you can tell any SOB in the world to go to hell. –Humphrey Bogart
Is it really necessary to have a prestigious accounting firm to tabulate “over 6000 votes?” Honestly, TB will count the votes for half of whatever Price-Waterhouse charges and I’ll look a lot cooler delivering the briefcases than Mssr’s P&W. Saying “count” in place of “tabulate” makes it a lot more cost effective by the way.
You know that joke in the opening when they told that kid with the skinny eyes and the neck goiter from the Vampire movie and the other young dude they would look like Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin in five years? Then they cut to Jeff Bridges? I would’ve said “this is what you will look like in ten years.” That’s Gold, seriously. But overall I enjoyed the hosting and the opening duologue, and I cracked up at the Baldwin-Clooney stare-downs. Props to Doogie Howser for the opening number too. As the night wore on, I decided we could’ve done without Baldwin. Martin could handle the stare-down joke on his own, too.
I’m married. I am at home today. Therefore I watched twenty-six hours of red carpet, the whole show and the post mortem. Hey this is her Super Bowl. With the excuses now behind me…..Sarah Jessica Parker is not the hottest chick in Hollywood by any stretch. But I’m down with the whole dress strap around the neck look. Forget what you think about her guys, we all dig that look, am I wrong?
The greatest movie ever is Casablanca. The Rambler informs me this is the first year since Casablanca swept the night in 1943 that ten movies were nominated for best picture. That’s some solid trivia, make a mental note of it.
See the first four sentences of No. 3. I thought Charlize Theron wore possibly the least sexy dress of all time. The boob circles made her look like a 90 year old body double from the neck to the belly. Or, they looked like vaginas. On the chest. TB ain’t no Picasso fan.
I was glad to see my old XM Cross-Country (The Suck Stopped There) buddy Ryan Bingham win for “Best Song.” Really need to see Crazy Heart. I was pulling for that movie even though I haven’t seen it yet. Illogical yes, you can’t pigeonhole me.
I did see District 9. Yeah, I got that it was social commentary. I even agreed with the commentary. Didn’t like the movie though.
Please Coen Bros. Please Jeff Bridges. Bring back the Dude. But only if Sam Elliot will play God again.
The John Hughes tribute was cool. Molly Ringwald was a fright.
I saw Precious. Yeah, I love my wife, I ain’t scared to say it. That movie’s not my bag, but it deserves the plaudits. A sad, sad, sad story, and convincingly performed with minimal melodrama.
I missed everything from 8:50-9:45 while on Little Scamp bath and bedtime duty.
Review No. 3 again. Kate Winslet looked great and I like the way she talks. So did Clooney. Yeah, I said it. I liked Anna Kendrick too. James Cameron’s ex-wife is totally hotter than his current one, but it looked like they all get along, which is nice. I probably ought to see The Hurt Locker.
Wouldn’t it be cool if they had nominated something like The Hangover for “Best Makeup ” or “Sound Achievement?” or “Best Animated Short” or some other category nobody cares about outside the 90210? If I were voting it would probably be Best Picture but since the Academy eschews comedy, they could at least throw out a bone for a true classic that, unlike most of the 27 nominees for Best Picture, will NOT be forgotten in a year, and on Sunday afternoons for the next twenty-five years, between dubbed versions of Smoky and the Bandit and Breakfast Club we could also see a hilarious-in-its-own-way censor approved version of The Hangover, introduced in the interminable “Yella Wood” commercials, “and now, back to the Academy Award winning, The Hangover.” I tell you one thing…if TB was counting the votes, I could make it happen. And save the Academy a bundle in the process.
When I get old I want to be like Christopher Plummer. Well, that’s assuming I can’t be like Clooney.
Up in the Air was good. They nailed the work-travellin life. Clooney rules. But Oscar? Sorry, no. And Clooney for Best Actor? He plays a good-hearted, charming, roguish, independent, smooth-talking ladies man. This role was not a stretch.
Who thinks Sandra Bullock is hot? I mean by Hollywood standards. She just doesn’t crank my engine. I ain’t just hatin’ just because she played an Ole Miss grad either. Kate Beckinsale is hot. I didn’t see her tonight. Michelle Pfeiffer’s still got it. I’ll say this for Sandra, she seems like a pretty cool chick and gave a good acceptance speech.
Tim Robbins had the line of the night (unless somebody got one off between 8:50-9:45) introducing Morgan Freeman. Paraphrasing here, “Morgan Freeman taught me what it means to be a friend. On the last day of shooting Shawshank, he pulled me aside and said “Friendship is getting the other person a cup of coffee. Could you do that for me, Ted?”
T-Bone Burnett. Good music. Awesome name. Cool shades, at night, indoors. Looks like he works at Price-Waterhouse? Doesn’t add up.
Best visual of the night–Tom Hanks almost forgot to give the statue for Best Picture to the beautiful and talented Catherine Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker and the night’s big winner.
TB stayed up twenty-three minutes longer than I wanted to so I could bring you these observations and opinions. So you better appreciate it. That and I thought I might get to hear Clooney make an acceptance speech. Yeah, I like him, he’s a beautiful and talented man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
“My heroes were Dylan, John Lennon and Picasso, because they each moved their particular medium forward, and when the got to the point where they were comfortable, they always moved on.” –John Hughes
If you were born in a year that made you a teenager in the 1980’s, you are probably a fan of John Hughes movies. Dudes go more for Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and The Breakfast Club while chicks usually dig Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles, but really, we all like ‘em all.
TB likes movies, but I ain’t no expert. Until hearing news accounts of his death I had no idea Hughes was a prolific movie maker far beyond those 80’s genre flicks. Just a few examples of his work–he wrote Home Alone, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Planes Trains and Automobiles, and, She’s Having a Baby (the movie that gets Rock Star Rambler only 2 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, notably). Here’s his IMBD page if you want to know more.
In tribute to Hughes, I thought I’d let you know the results of my exclusive investigation into what became of some of his great characters.
The Breakfast Clubbers:
Allison (the brooding girl) dropped out of college to open a Goth supply store. It took off and she franchised it out, functioning by the mid-1990’s as its ruthless and effective CEO, became active in the US Chamber of Commerce and served as regional chairwoman for Sarah Palin’s 2008 Vice-Presidential campaign.
Andrew (the jock) injured his knee in a wrestling match the next Saturday after detention and had to give up the sport. He took out loans to go to college and spent 7 great years “runnin tail” and serving as Hazing Tsar for his frat. He runs a lawn care business for the near-wealthy in his hometown.
Brian (the nerd) became a multi-millionaire in the dot com boom of the 1990’s then lost it all in the real estate bust of the 2000’s. He is now a Geek Squad manager and chess enthusiast.
John (the no-goodnik) Started a mega-church the day after graduation in a pool hall. The church now has over 10,000 members. John has had affairs with over 500 of them, but they were all with women and they were all at least seventeen. He cannot believe how freakin rich he is.
Claire (the princess) Became a MILF.
The 16 Candlers:
Long Duk Dong–Imprisoned in a tent in the Gobi Desert after courageously staring down a tank in Tiananmen Square. He maintains to this day he was simply the victim of some bad ’shrooms and had no idea what was going on.
The Freshman Geek–Made millions in the dot com boom of the 1990’s. Had hundreds of girlfriends. Invested it all with Bernie Madoff. Has Sam’s panties framed on the wall of his apartment.
Sam–Married the Geek earlier this year. Can’t get him to take the damn panties off the wall. And she’s a MILF.
The Pinkos:
Duckie–Started taking steroids the day after prom. Became a regional bodybuilding legend. Tried “the gay thing” but it didn’t take. He’s now a regional sales associate for “the perfect push-up.”
Andie–Married with children. Has been traveling the country doing publicity stunts for PETA since 1992. If you’ve seen her act, you already know, she is also a MILF.
Bueller? Bueller?……Bueller?:
Sloane–Went to Law School and finished first in her class. Her only client now is Ferris, which keeps her busy.
Cameron–Struck it rich in the dot com boom of the 1990’s, then lost it all investing in a broadly diversified portfolio including telecommunications (World Com), energy (Enron), manufacturing (GM) and financials (Merrill Lynch). He’s totally pissed about it and has become a liberal activist. He runs a crappy blog. Married to Sloane.
Ferris–Struck it rich in the dot com boom of the 1990’s and invested it all in Exxon. Bought and flipped real estate until he tired of the game in 2006 and cashed out. He was in a plane crash over the Pacific Ocean in 1995 but was able to fashion a crude raft with seat cushions and life vests and thus saved the entire crew and all of the passengers. The resulting book and movie deals were worth millions more, and the proceeds were used to allow employees of the Sausage King of Chicago to buy their facility and keep their jobs intact after the owner suffered a heart attack. Currently has 2 billion dollars stashed in shoe boxes and mason jars hidden or buried around his various estates. According to his Facebook page he has over one million friends and he still loves crashing parades. Digs Cameron’s crappy blog and likes to post comments that are funnier than the posts themselves.
TB loves Star Wars. I like all six movies, I like the books and I like the cartoons. I draw the line at action figures, but that’s neither here nor there. A long time ago, I saw Star Wars at the Ritz Theater in Pascagoula, Mississippi. I stood in line back across the street to Bargain Annex waiting to get in with my T-ball teammate Richie Heath. We were finally admitted and were seated in the balcony. I still remember the Death Star attack scene vividly from that first viewing. After the movie, for the next few months, all the boys at Eastlawn Elementary fought epic space battles on the swingset, twisting and turning and flying as fast and as high as we could on those tall and unsafe swings of yore. Several years later, the “baen” part of Travellinbaen came into being, Greeg’s interpretation of Luke’s pronunciation of Ben Kenobi’s name as he cried for help in Empire. I take all things Star Wars very seriously and resent any attempt to mock the cultural significance and historic importance of the genre.
It is with this background in mind that I share with you a video first posted by friend of the blog Sam’s Mama on her site, then repeated by Calicobebop. It is sublime. Enjoy.
A couple of more Star Wars themed You Tubes I found while getting this link, including recent blog guest star Eddie Izzard’s bit on the Death Star Cantina
TB went to see “The Hangover” last night. It’s the funniest damn movie I’ve seen in quite a while, a true classic. If you haven’t seen it, you must. In some ways its a “formula” movie in that its a bachelor party Vegas run with a bunch of great gags tied together with a loose story about getting the groom to the church on time. But it rises above the norm with hyperbolic, yet true to the spirit of, drunken asshole runnin buddy interaction. The screenwriters also captured what it means to black out and keep partying for hours better than it has ever been done on screen. The movie follows the ARB’s challenge in backtracking the previous night to unravel the mess they find themselves in when they awaken. None of the boys can remember anything beyond the vaguest details, but their investigation incrementally reveals what happened before tying up almost all of the loose ends at the conclusion. And Alan is one of the best characters I have ever seen. For those who know him, think Huck as an idiot savant. Go see it.
The “Dead Zone” in the Gulf of Mexico will reach the size of New Jersey this year.
Have you ever heard of Tommy Douglas? He was a Baptist minister, a Canadian politician and Kiefer Southerland’s grandfather. In 2004 he was voted The Greatest Canadian by television viewers in that country. He is the father of their national health care system.
Speaking of which, a prediction: a grandly named health care reform bill will be passed this summer. Democrats will hail it as a major victory and Republicans will gnash their teeth, pull their hair and wail that it is the end of the world as we know it. But single payer is already off the table and the “public option” will not be in the bill. Therefore, consumers like you and me will see no benefit, insurance profits will continue to soar and the Democrats will suffer at the polls for the next two cycles and they will have earned it.
I’m going on vacation in August but have not decided where yet. The only thing I’m sure of is it will be west of the Mississippi River, probably west of the central time zone. But desert, coast or mountains….how can I choose only one? A better question, how can I choose two or even all three?
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is estimated this year to be the size of Texas.
I’m fascinated by the mass uprising fomenting in Iran. I am not convinced the people will prevail, in fact I am certain they will not. Then again, I thought the same thing just before the Berlin Wall came down. Then again, I thought the same thing during the Tiananmen Square protests. I also wonder, if the “moderates” somehow take over will they be any better from the American perspective? It is really an interesting situation and unfortunately one about which I am almost completely uninformed.
I’d like to go drinkin but the hangovers hurt more than they used to, you know?
Heading to Atlanta tomorrow morning for a couple of days instead.
Quote of the Day:
Alan–Counting cards isn’t illegal. It’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.”
Phil–I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan–Ever since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden.
Quote of the Day: “Filmgoers are starved for new ideas, voices and visions.” Robert Redford
It’s amazing how funny happens when you are tuned in to the possibility even if you are not consciously looking for it. Case in point–the weekend of TB:
I had a man date Friday night with a guy I’d met through his brother (who said I’d like him) and with whom I’d only spoken once. I was a bit nervous about it, but it went really well. In fact we’ll probably see each other again. And let me take this opportunity to endorse the recent flick “I Love You Man” starring Paul Rudd and Jon Favreau.
Somebody de-friended me on Facebook. A couple of times before I’ve suspected the number on my friend list had decreased, so I took note of it Friday night for future reference–124. Sure enough, come Saturday it was 123. I’ve spent the last two days trying to figure out this latest person to make it so clear they dislike me and to determine whether they requested me as friend or I them. I’m already plotting my revenge.
JLM refused to countenance my taking the hero the TB world’s collaborative storytelling effort in a direction away from the way she originally sent him in the first place. Dream sequence. Brilliant. Diabolical. I’m already plotting my revenge.
I went to a birthday party tonight for a black friend given by her friends and relations. A guy comes up to a girl I know and starts huggin up on her, smilin at her, just generally flirtin. As soon as he moved away for a moment a girl about his age came up to the girl I know and deadpanned “he likes white women,” then walked away without waiting for a reaction. Flirt boy and deadpan girl are six.
Finally, a little bathroom humor. Let me disclaim this by making it clear–TB disdains bathroom humor. I find it disgusting and inappropriate in most all situations and the coarsest form of the art of funny. What follows is a pause from the usual PG 13 restraint of the blog and I’m ashamed for you to be exposed to such filth. You probably won’t see this on the blog again. So you better be sure and read close the first time. First, I give you a direct cut and paste from S&M’s blog, Raising Stink, linked to your right. It’s the funniest thing I saw all weekend: I’ll leave you with a little gem from my husband. We were out on the motorcycle last week. It was hot, and we’d been sitting at a red light forever. I started to feel a little exposed, and thought to myself how much it would suck if a bird flew over and pooped on me. I asked my husband if he’d ever been shit on while riding. Without missing a beat, he asked, “No, why? Do you need to go?” And while I’m at it, I might as well share a bit of dialogue that The Daily Wit and I will be using in our upcoming screenplay. Like S&M’s story, it is really quite disgusting and I urge you to quit reading the post starting………….now. For you sickos still with me, some of you will recognize the person who inspired this, but any similarity to any person, living or dead, fictional or non, is purely coincidental. Plus he gave me permission last time I saw him. But he may not want his name used so if you have a guess, keep it under your hat.
Gondorff wakes up and walks through the living room to get a drink.
Hooker is lying on the couch with an untied robe on and boxers with
his hands between his legs, unmoved from where he slept with the TV
on, empty cheez-it box on the floor beside him and half a beer on
the coffee table.
Gondorff–Hey
Hooker–Hey
H-You shit yet?
G–what?
H-you shit yet?
G-Are you asking me if I’ve shit yet?
H-yes
G-(incredulously) what difference does it make?
H-(angrily) it’s a simple question! Why can’t you just answer?!
G–yes, I’ve shit.
approximately 10 seconds elapse, Gondorff is pouring some orange juice. The room is otherwise silent.
H–was it good?
G– (loudly) Dude, why are you asking me this?!
H–I just wanna know.
G–You’re are a weird sonofabitch, you know that?
H–(accusingly) it WAS good wasn’t it. You feel all cleaned out?
G–yeah, it was fine
H–Man…….I haven’t been in like three days. I’m all clogged up. I think I need to drink some beer today. Sometimes that helps.
G–Well I tried to get you to go out with me last night but you wouldn’t get off your ass.
H–You get laid?
G–No. Laid some good foundation though.
H–Man, you got foundation laid all over this town. You need to be laying some pipe for a change.
G–yeah, I know.
H–come scratch my back.
G–Are you out of your fucking mind?
H–Dude, my back itches.
G–You’re out of your fucking mind.
H–Man, I’m fat, I can’t shit, my back itches. I can’t sleep. I gotta get some exercise or something.
Quote of the Day: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. –Mark Twain
What a great word, wanderlust. Wander. Lust. It connotes not just the simple desire to go looking for something new, to escape the routine and the known; more like an irrational compulsion to ignore the outside world and submit to temptation and the demands of the soul and go wherever the winds lead, with no destination in mind and no time frame for a return. My research-i-pedia informs that the word is derived from the German predilection for wandering that may be traced back to German romanticism (who knew?); alas, the word is obsolete in German in modern times (how stereotypically cliche). Wandern in German is “to hike” and lust is “desire” and the compound word is thus literally translated “to enjoy hiking.” It’s English meaning is “a strong desire for, or impulse to travel and to explore the world.” A better definition would be “an ache for the distance” which is the translation of the German word fernweh. Fernweh. Nah, doesn’t do it for me. I’ll take wanderlust and apply my own poetry. But “aching” is an important part of the word’s meaning, not apparent from merely reading the word and looking for its literal meaning; instead hidden amongst the words “wander” and “lust” that evoke pleasurable feelings. For to have the wanderlust is to not be traveling after all.
My mind’s too caught up in the fever to expound on this cogently. So I wandered the web, looking for help.
First I found a poem by Robert W. Service, who I’ve never heard of before, titled “The Wanderlust.” It’s a pretty good poem, though not good enough to re-post in its entirety and too damn long to boot. But I liked this passage:
Highway, by-way, many a mile I’ve done;
Rare way, fair way, many a height I’ve won;
But I’m pulling my freight in the morning, boys,
And it’s over the hills or bust;
For there’s never a cure
When you list to the lure
Of the Wan-der-lust.
There’s a Mark Knopfler song that is pretty good, very sad. It’s called “Wanderlust” and the best lines are these:
Open window
Empty bed and chair
Who’s that callin’
Ain’t nobody there
I look behind me
And I see there’s just
Me and the wanderlust
From my own ipod library I can wallow in the wander lust with this playlist:
Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again–Bob Dylan (CM’s got me listening to Dylan lately, and his new tunes on XM are pretty cool too–maybe him and Willie and Mellencamp will come somewhere near this summer)
Anywhere But Here–Cross Canadian Ragweed
Desperados Waiting for the Train–Guy Clark (just discovered this a few months back)
On reading material, Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road” is the obvious wanderluster’s choice but I’ve read and written about that not so long ago. My web search led me to that and to “The Dharma Bums”, also by Kerouac. I read only yesterday Esquire Magazine’s list of books every man must read and Dharma was their choice for Kerouac. On top of that, Kerouac was recently mentioned to me by CM as another of my distant brother’s early influences. Karma is calling on an unusually clear channel. I guess I better check this one out pretty soon. On a tangentially related note, to search for new books to read is to set loose the wanderlust of the brain, and overwhelming because the objective of becoming well read is hopeless in all but relative terms. So many rabbit holes…
And finally, a clip from one of my favorite recent movies, The Darjeeling Limited. While the brothers are actually travellin and therefore not in the throes of the wanderlust, the mood of this whole movie is well matched to my current predicament. On top of that, the blank stare is executed perfectly throughout, by virtually the entire cast. A great flick.
Yeah, TB’s been a bit lazy with the blog lately. I think I used up too much brain power trying to figure out what to do when a new checkout line opens up and you are 5 deep in line next to it. To make up for it, check out this two minute trailer for the movie “Year One” with Jack Black and a bunch of other funny dudes coming out later this year.
Quote of the DayIn the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan. –Ralphie (as adult), A Christmas Story
You’ve seen the same old Christmas movies, specials and cartoons a hundred times, at least. Maybe some of them you still actually enjoy and don’t merely watch out of a misguided sense of tradition. Maybe you watch just to pass on the curse blessing of these traditions to your children. Maybe you watch because the remote is across the room. Whatever the reason, you’re gonna be seeing wall to wall Christmas on television for the next few days. Here’s a suggestion for a new way to watch; one that will give you renewed interest and perspective in your old worn out viewing habits favorites. This Christmas, be on the lookout for the subtle political messages that you may have never previously noticed while waiting to find out if the other reindeer will, in fact, allow Rudolph to join in any reindeer games. If I missed any, let me know.
A Christmas Story–It should be obvious to even the most novice cynic that this timeless classic is little more than a propaganda filled missive sponsored by the NRA and its gun proliferation agenda. Start em young.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer–an early and largely unsuccessful green energy puff piece. It failed primarily because most kids thought Rudolph was the biggest wuss they’d ever seen.
The Nutcracker–A wildly successful NOW production that has resulted in the testicular shrinkage of countless Dads through the years. Fortunately for the species, it only ensnares those of us blessed with daughters. TB is already mentally steeling myself for the inevitable day of lessening. I’ve got a couple of more years though.
Bad Santa–Another unsuccessful Southern Baptist effort to do away with the jolly old elf by planting the idea he is but a drunken, boorish rogue instead of a harmless, friendly trespasser. How could they have known the rogue would have such mass appeal?
Christmas Vacation–This complex, deeply moving flick could not have been made had the producers not run short of cash. The plumbers’ union kicked in an entire decade’s publicity budget and asked only for this scene to be included to remind people of the important, often forgotten role their members play in the production we call life. Thanks to Supercynic for posting about this a month or so ago and reminding me of the scene. Look closely, that’s Joe the Plumber in an early public appearance. Click here to watch.
Elf–If this isn’t a movie designed to humanize the deadbeat dad I don’t know what else it could be. Seriously, wouldn’t you consider abandoning that kid?
A Christmas Carol–Admit it all you conservatives–when you see Tiny Tim, you start thinking universal health care might not be so bad after all.
Frosty the Snowman–If this one doesn’t make you consider the consequences of global warming, you’re just not trying hard enough.
Schwetty Balls–Actually, I can think of nothing about this that’s political. But it may be the funniest SNL sketch of all time (future blog post alert). Click here to watch.
It’s a Wonderful Life–Bailouts. If this one doesn’t inject just a bit of cynicism into your Xmas cheer, then TB just can’t help you. Hell’s bells, the guy’s name is BAILey. He never paid attention to his bank–the one he inherited by the way–he shamelessly engaged in nepotism with inept family members on the payroll, spent freely to live in the biggest house on the block, lent money to poor people and when it all blew up in his face, he let all those folks who had been paying his fees and interest in the first place for so many years bail him out. It’s a wonderful fraud is what it is. And that wasn’t a bell at the end–it was a cash register.
Quote of the Day “I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.” –Stephen Wright
TB Recommends:
I was introduced to Stephen Wright’s humor in Coffee and Cigarettes a few years ago. TB recommends this movie highly. You should rent it or catch it on cable when you get a chance. I also saw The Darjeeling Limited on TV a few nights ago, my second time to see it. It’s great, and I love the soundtrack. One of RockStarRambler’s favorite movies is Intolerable Cruelty. I also dig it, and I think its one of the new quotable classics. Two of my favorites:
Gus Petch: You want tact, call a tactician. You want an ass nailed, you come see Gus Petch.
(note- I took the quote off IMBD which calls Cedric the Entertainer’s character Petch. I’m pretty sure it’s “Pinch” in the movie. Sounds like pinch, and considering the catchphrase he uses throughout, there’s no doubt in my mind the name is Gus Pinch, not Petch)
Miles Massey: Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common? Wrigley: [thinks] Middle name?
Intolerable Cruelty also features one of the best character names of all time–Heinz, the Baron Kraus von Espy.
A Moral Delimma:
If you get too much change or if you’re not charged for something at checkout, then you leave the store and begin driving, but you’ve not yet left the parking lot, should you go back in and make good the mistake? Or does it just even things out from all those times you get gypped?
Something to re-think:
Why do people always say you shouldn’t give money to a bum because he’ll just spend it on liquor? I have always used that cliche, I must admit. But it occurred to me today, if I were a bum I’d want to be drunk as much as possible. It sure would make sleeping under a bridge easier. So from now on, if I don’t give money to a bum and someone is with me, I’m just gonna say, “I don’t like bums.” Or if I’m feeling charitable, I’ll give him a buck and hope he uses it to buy some MD 20-20 like any sensible person in such a terrible state.
A new TB toy:
I’m gonna include a poll question as often as I can think of something good to ask. Of course, for the poll to have scientific accuracy, its gonna need a pool of at least twenty votes. So be a good citizen of the blog and vote. Today’s question–
TB went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno this week. It’s damn funny. I wasn’t clued in to Kevin Smith’s View Askew universe until a few years ago. But I think he’s freakin hilarious. I even like Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob. Anyway, Randal from Clerks plays the camera man in Zack and Miri. According to something I just read online he’s called “Deacon” in this movie, but as far as I’m concerned, it was Randal. I wanted to post something funny and light for weekend reading after the intensity and deep thought we all engaged in here over the election and our Thursday Picks. I’ve been thinking like Randal all week, one of my favorite characters of all time. I don’t know Randal’s real name, but I do know he’s never been in a damn thing other than Kevin Smith’s movies. I looked it up. I gotta go back and check out Dogma again because I never noticed he was the gun shop clerk in it. I also looked up the script for Clerks, and a great scene is today’s Quote of the Day, below. I didn’t bother finding out Randal’s real name. Who the f*&% cares anyway? Oh, by the way, Jay was in Zack and Miri too.
Enjoy:
RANDAL
Which did you like better: Jedi or
The Empire Strikes Back.
DANTE
(exasperated)
Empire.
RANDAL
Blasphemy.
DANTE
Empire had the better ending: Luke
gets his hand cut off, and finds
out Vader's his father; Han gets
frozen and taken away by Boba Fett.
It ends on such a down note. And
that's life-a series of down
endings. All Jedi had was a bunch
of Muppets.
RANDAL
There was something else going on
in Jedi. I never noticed it until
today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE
What's that?
RANDAL
All right, Vader's boss...
DANTE
The Emperor.
RANDAL
Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor
is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE
How do you mean?
RANDAL
Well, he's like the pope for the
dark side of the Force. He's a holy
man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an
evil one.
47.
DANTE
I guess.
RANDAL
Now, he's in charge of the Empire.
The Imperial government is under
his control. And the entire galaxy
is under Imperial rule.
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Then wouldn't that logically mean
that it's a theocracy? If the head
of the Empire is a priest of some
sort, then it stands to reason that
the government is therefore one
based on religion.
DANTE
It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL
Hence, the Empire was a fascist
theocracy, and the rebel forces
were therefore battling religious
persecution.
DANTE
More or less.
RANDAL
The only problem is that at no
point in the series did I ever hear
Leia or any of the rebels declare a
particular religious belief.
DANTE
I think they were Catholics.
A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Are you open?
DANTE
Yeah. Come in.
He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.
RANDAL
You know what else I noticed in Jedi?
48.
DANTE
There's more?
RANDAL
So they build another Death Star,
right?
DANTE
Yeah.
RANDAL
Now the first one they built was
completed and fully operational
before the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE
Luke blew it up. Give credit where
it's due.
RANDAL
And the second one was still being
built when they blew it up.
DANTE
Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
RANDAL
Something just never sat right with
me the second time they destroyed
it. I could never put my finger on
it-something just wasn't right.
DANTE
And you figured it out?
RANDAL
Well, the thing is, the first Death
Star was manned by the Imperial
army-storm troopers, dignitaries-
the only people onboard were
Imperials.
DANTE
Basically.
RANDAL
So when they blew it up, no prob.
Evil is punished.
DANTE
And the second time around...?
49.
RANDAL
The second time around, it wasn't
even finished yet. They were still
under construction.
DANTE
So?
RANDAL
A construction job of that magnitude
would require a helluva lot more
manpower than the Imperial army had
to offer. I'll bet there were
independent contractors working on
that thing: plumbers, aluminum
siders, roofers.
DANTE
Not just Imperials, is what you're
getting at.
RANDAL
Exactly. In order to get it built
quickly and quietly they'd hire
anybody who could do the job. Do
you think the average storm trooper
knows how to install a toilet main?
All they know is killing and white
uniforms.
DANTE
All right, so even if independent
contractors are working on the
Death Star, why are you uneasy with
its destruction?
RANDAL
All those innocent contractors
hired to do a job were killed-
casualties of a war they had
nothing to do with.
(notices Dante's confusion)
All right, look-you're a roofer,
and some juicy government contract
comes your way; you got the wife
and kids and the two-story in
suburbia-this is a government
contract, which means all sorts of
benefits. All of a sudden these
left-wing militants blast you with
lasers and wipe out everyone within
a three-mile radius.
(MORE)
50.
RANDAL (CONT'D)
You didn't ask for that. You have
no personal politics. You're just
trying to scrape out a living.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Excuse me. I don't mean to
interrupt, but what were you
talking about?
RANDAL
The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE
My friend is trying to convince me
that any contractors working on the
uncompleted Death Star were innocent
victims when the space station was
destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm
a roofer...
(digs into pocket and
produces business card)
Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer, I can say
that a roofer's personal politics
come heavily into play when choosing
jobs.
RANDAL
Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Three months ago I was offered a
job up in the hills. A beautiful
house with tons of property. It was
a simple reshingling job, but I was
told that if it was finished within
a day, my price would be doubled.
Then I realized whose house it was.
DANTE
Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL
"Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
51.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
The same. The money was right, but
the risk was too big. I knew who he
was, and based on that, I passed
the job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE
Based on personal politics.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
Right. And that week, the Foresci
family put a hit on Babyface's
house. My friend was shot and
killed. He wasn't even finished
shingling.
RANDAL
No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN
(paying for coffee)
I'm alive because I knew there were
risks involved taking on that
particular client. My friend wasn't
so lucky.
(pauses to reflect)
You know, any contractor willing to
work on that Death Star knew the
risks. If they were killed, it was
their own fault. A roofer listens
to this...
(taps his heart)
not his wallet.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain
respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the
door and pokes her head in.
