“I went home with a waitress, the way I always do; how was I to know, she was with the Russians too?” –Warren Zevon
Far and away the most interesting, non-depressing news story of the summer is the recent capture and subsequent exchange of ten Russian deep-cover spies for four agents of our own. Here’s an article from today that sums up the affair nicely.
What is so great about this story, a story I’m pretty certain in which we have been told very few details, is that the spies were just living ordinary lives. Again, that’s the narrative. Seems implausible that the Russkies would send over a group of folks to join the PTA and Facebook, but I’ll accept it. Here is something else that is unlikely–that we got them all. Now, maybe we know where some more are and we just wanted to round up enough to make a trade, or just to let Putin know we’re paying attention, but if there were ten sent over here to lead “normal” American lives, isn’t it just as likely there were ten thousand? Think of the mayhem they could create in an effort to undermine American unity, cohesion and civility, sending chain emails, starting Amway pyramids, driving too slow in the passing lane and whatnot. Truth is, this deep cover operation the Russians are using to attack us could be much more dangerous than the “so-called traditional media” has even begun to report.
Never fear, TB has been on the case. I have collected a preliminary list of things to look for as you go about your daily life, trying to spot the Russians amongst us.
At cocktail parties your neighbor, “Joe” always tells jokes that start out, “A priest, a rabbi and a capitalist-imperialist-pig walk into a bar…”
Your co-worker let’s slip during that uncomfortable period of enforced small talk that is required after monthly birthday cake time in the break room that as a child she could “see Alaska from her house.”
Your college roommate’s favorite teams are the Cincinnati Reds, the St. John Red Storm and the Chicago Bears.
When the plumber comments admirably upon your home brew set-up, he casually works in a question about your nuclear capabilities.
At book club, the moderator is constantly complaining that Oprah won’t make “War and Peace” one of her selections.
Your bartender, Svetlana, speaks Russian, Czech, Hungarian, Mandarin Chinese, and ebonics, and occasionally asks you to leave an unmarked, sealed manilla envelope behind the yellow fire hydrant up the street–NOT the red one–the yellow one that’s got all the bushes growing around it.
Your friend’s Facebook status reads “Boris like Borscht, Vodka, the 1972 Summer Olympics Basketball Final, Vladimir Putin and 6 other pages.”
Your wife thinks the “Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” is crude, borderline racist and completely not funny.
Your insurance agent, Natasha, thinks the war in Afghanistan is going swell, and what we really need to do is commit to remaining in country for at least a generation longer.
“The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw
First of all, let me say that the first five of these are stolen from a friend; they are also the funniest. I thought they were worth passing along in addition to my own contributions. Feel free to add to the list:
Good news, Bad News from our Friends at British Petroleum-
Mermaids are real! But they are now extinct.
Fish from the Gulf of Mexico are more oil rich than those from any other place in the world. But it’s not Omega 3.
So far, only tar balls have washed up on most beaches. Unfortunately tar wieners are on the way.
The company just hired an oil whisperer to talk to the oil in hopes of taming it. His name is Glenn Beck.
Dozens of new family beach activities have been developed by the PR department. Among the best are “Count the Dead Birds”, “Smack the Greasy Manatee” and “Mommy I Got Crude Oil in My Eye!”
An internal company expert panel has determined the spill will have no negative impact whatsoever on the children of the Gulf Coast. So long as they are born after April 30, 2107.
Company environmentalists have made a major breakthrough in communicating with dolphins. A preliminary translation gave great hope that we had much in common with the species as it was thought the dolphins were saying “Holy crap, the freakin’ ipod is killer!” After further review the final translation turned out to be “holy crap, you freakin’ killed my whole pod!
Black is the new brown. Pelicans can’t fly or breathe any more.
The oil industry has a history of paying all legitimate claims and staying involved with cleaning up their messes until everything is restored to a pristine condition. Oh wait, no they don’t.
Sandra Bullock is back! The oil spill is now ten times worse than the Exxon Valdez and growing.
Condos in Orange Beach are going to be really cheap this summer. But you probably shouldn’t strike a match.
Louisiana and Mississippi are not the only places that produce shrimp. We can’t understand why this didn’t make everyone feel much better.
The CEO of BP’s life has been utterly ruined by the disaster. He’ll still make more money next quarter than most of us will in our lives.
In a sideways universe BP is a force for good. An ethical, honest company that contributes to the economic, environmental and social well-being of the entire world. Sadly, sideways universes are fictional. (caveat, if they are real, BP probably still sucks.)
We never thought we’d see the likes of Katrina. We never thought we’d see a spill like this. The odds of both occurring in one decade were remote, but this is probably as bad as it can get. The odds are just astronomical of another similar calamity happening. Then again, bad things come in threes.
BP is firing 147 people connected with the company’s negligence. The have all been hired by Exxon.
The board of directors has allocated a billion dollars to pay preliminary financial awards to all legitimate claimants. They have determined that Tony Hayward has the only “legitimate” claim for damages.
The chemical oil dispersants are successfully breaking up the oil. They are also creating a race of mutant laser wielding jellyfish bent on world domination.
“He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher….or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.” –Douglas Adams
If by happenstance, or otherwise you should come into possession of a limited edition, heirloom quality Travellinbaen Universe official ball cap, there are a few responsibilities that go with it, to wit:
Wear it. In public.
Travel with it and send in a photo to the TBU, via my email. I want pictures from anywhere you think is cool, fun, funny or otherwise suitable for publication to the TBU. I want this hat to see the world, and me, in turn to see the hat seeing the world.
Bonus points if you are wearing goggles of some type. Shades will do in a pinch.
Now, one thing you should be prepared for if you (a) possess one of these caps and (b) wear it. In public. is that you will be queried by ignorant TBU aliens. For instance, someone may say, “that’s a dumb hat.” If this happens, you just say either (a) oh, yeah? Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you; or (b) oh, yeah? Well I can take this off and be free of dumb whereas (you need to say whereas, it will make you look smarter) your stuck with being a dumbass your whole life.
More likely, you will get this question: what the hell is Travellinbaen Universe? This is the one I want you to be prepared for most. And (ahem) whereas that question is the most important one to respond appropriately to, I am providing a list of potential responses to such an uncouth, unsophisticated acquaintance. This list is by no means all inclusive, so if you want to posit another option for consideration by the citizenry, please do. Here we go, and remember, you must stare blankly at your interrogator, at all costs:
The first rule of Travellinbaen Universe is you don’t talk about Travellinbaen Universe.
I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill a beer.
Did Little Boy send you?
That’s a damn dubious question.
Hmphh (snort derisively–but maintain your blank stare) I guess you don’t know what Thursday Pickin is either. Do you?
….For they are about to be b-lownnn. (You need to channel the voice of Jack Black while reading that title, fyi).
Quote of the Day:
Researchers were also able to maintain the fidelity of the long-distance teleportation at 89 percent— decent enough for information, but still dangerous for the whole-body human teleportation that we’re all looking forward to. –Casey Johnston, author of the article linked below
One day our descendants will look back upon us, assuming we don’t destroy the world before they get a chance, and marvel at our backwardness and technological ignorance. And some researcher might turn up this article and laugh at how little we understood what the human race could achieve. Read and be amazed.
I know most of y’all won’t click so read the QOTD above and simply know that scientists have recently made a significant breakthrough in the quest to teleport. Actually, they call it “quantum teleportation.” They entangled photons and ions and teleported them ten miles. I have virtually zero understanding of what exactly that means, except that it is the first step on the road to “beam me up Scotty.” It blows my feeble mind to consider this will one day be possible.
And to make this a true TBU post, here’s my list of scientific advancements I have heretofore considered impossible, fanciful and unattainable that I now am hoping to see progress on:
Time travel–There was a spate of articles about Stephen Hawking’s theories on the subject a few weeks ago. They will blow your mind too. It actually makes sense.
A 200 year life expectancy–but a lot more birth control
Space colonization–cancel that birth control
Making Pizza, beer and double bubble health foods–so we can live happily to 200
Letting Flock off the island without destroying the universe–I still kind of like him
Remember those hand held computers/datapads everybody had back in Star Wars…oh wait, (use that Jack Black voice again) Check!
Mass two-way audible communication with God–yeah, this goal didn’t work out so well in Babel, but that was Old Testament God (you know what, go back and start over and read the whole post with Jack Black narraratin’ in your head)
An oil vacuum
Mental telepathy
A real live dinosaur island
Personal spacecraft
Getting that teleportation number up a bit more from 89%. But less than 100%. If they can figure out how to isolate which part doesn’t travel, I wouldn’t mind teleportin’ with a little less around the middle. As for now, I find today’s QOTD worthy of a digressive blank stare whilst being otherwise mind blown.
Bonus QOTD
“Whatever one man is capable of conceiving, other men will be able to achieve” –Jules Verne
“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” St. Augustine
TB read an article on Budget Travel’s website this weekend titled “15 Places Every Kid Should See.” It was interesting, but once I got to percolatin’ on the topic, I found my list was a lot different, and not only because it extends beyond the border. The LS will only be under TB’s iron hand for another fifteen years. We travel a lot, but suddenly I feel a little panicky, because that’s not nearly enough time to show her everything we’d like. Oh well, we’ll pick ‘em off one at a time and see where it leads. Here’s my list, always subject to change:
Washington D.C.–The article specified the Lincoln Memorial, which I thought was silly not only because the Lincoln Memorial is kind of boring but because ALL of the D.C. landmarks are essential. Besides, I like Jefferson’s better.
New York City–The article I linked again got specific, naming Ellis Island and Ground Zero on its list. I’ll buy those, but mainly I just want her to be there and soak in the energy and the vibe of the place.
Glacier National Park, MT–Along with Hawaii, in a totally different way, this is the most beautiful place I’ve been so far. It will still be beautiful when the glaciers are gone in ten years, but different, and a little sad.
Hawaii–Because in addition to a hundred obvious reasons, she can learn how to surf. Such knowledge will only make her all the more formidable.
Skiing in Switzerland or Austria–For the beauty, for the thrill, and for the experience. I want her to feel at ease in foreign countries and among foreign speakers, and to see that there is a lot of world out there to justify keeping a current passport forever.
The waterfall in Phoenix, Mississippi. Because Phoenix is where one line of her people came from and because that waterfall holds such a prominent place in my own childhood memories.
Tahiti–It is the most exotic and far away place I can think of to visit, I’ll only go once, and I want her to be there with me.
Alaska–The most beautiful place the Rambler has been. And it would be cool to catch the Northern Lights.
Highway 1 through Northern California, then onto 101 up through Oregon–With the top down, the ultimate American Road Trip.
Belize–I’ve been reading about lost Mayan ruins, hidden waterfalls, water cave tubing, jaguar sightings and monkey accompaniment. Sounds like a gas.
Costa Rica–An active volcano, beautiful beaches and jungle adventure (with ziplines) in a place where the National Parks are supposed to be spectacular.
Disney World–But only once. Before she’s five. And once more before she’s twelve. And that’s it.
San Francisco–So she can stare blankly at anyone who rants about how San Francisco values are ruining our country.
The Bahamas out islands–Everyone should know the joy of perfect beaches beyond the sight of condominiums or mansions and beyond the sound of a muffler.
Whatever single place she can dream up that she thinks would be the most unlikely place she will ever see. If its accessible by plane, train or automobile, we’ll get her there.
TB needs help. I’m having a hard time lately keepin’ the TBU spinning on its axis. This is where you come in. Post your suggestions below, either an old ARB story, a current event, nonsense, or whatever and I’ll see if I can do something with it. If you like, email your suggestions to me at ben@travellinbaen.com.
In the meantime, courtesy of the fine folks over at Supercynic, aka The Daily Wit, I bring you the topic of “Viral Medieval Chain Emails”, which I thought was very Pythonesque. TDW contributed number one and yours truly number two over at the Supercynic site. I’m adding to that today and solicit your contribution to this list along with the suggestions begged for above.
Viral religious email of the 4th Century: “God is great. Now go tell 10 people or a dragon will burn down your village.”
Political: “Rebel against Ethelred. He is not only Unready, but he can’t prove he wasn’t born in Northumbria and he has a secret plan to institute feudalism and come to your hovel and take your spears away.”
News Item: Cleric blames recent plague on scantily clad wenches, the general debauchery for which Orléans is infamous and a deal with the devil made by Joan of Arc.
Commentary: “Did everyone hear the town crier last night? He said that there is a war being waged by Christmas on the Winter Solstice. I ain’t saying I agree with everything the crier, um, cries, but it makes you think, don’t it?”
Elections: “Hi, I’m Brother Ignatius P. Reilly and I’m asking for your support in my campaign for reelection as District Inquisitor. Last year we tried 278 witches by every fair and balanced method known to the church–tying them to a millstone and throwing them in the river to see if they would float, sticking their arms in boiling water, and my personal favorite, waterboarding, and we convicted every single one. And we all love the weekly burnings at the stake. But it is costly to do the Lord’s work. So if you support my efforts I simply ask you to send either five live chickens, or if you can’t afford that just send your 5-8 year old sons to my hut for a week, one at a time. If you support my opponent and his fancy scroll-learnin’ you must be a witch.”
Social Justice: ”Do you realize we are the only village in the Holy Roman Empire that does not provide universal leech coverage? When you send your little boy in to do his time with the monk, have him stop by the Earl’s manor and make your feelings on this known. Only when the rich begin to bleed the poor will we have change we can believe in.”
War: ”All we hear from the mainstream liberal Jewish merchants who pass through the market each season is how bad the crusades are going over in the Middle East. But why don’t they ever report the good news? My cousin is in the Knights of Malta and he says things are going great.”
Sports: “I heard the Christians just signed some dude named Spartacus. Man, next year is our year. We’re finally gonna whip them Tigers.”
Ethnic Jokes: ”How many Visigoths does it take to change a lightbulb? A million. One to screw it in and 999,999 to sack Rome.”
Entertainment: “Did you see John Stewart last night? He told the town crier to go fuck himself. Hilarious.” (John Stewart vs Bernie Goldberg)
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” Groucho Marx
TB checks in at least a couple of times a week on nmisscommentor, a lawyer’s blog out of Oxford, Mississippi, that covers a little bit about a lot of topics I find interesting along with a healthy dose of Mississippi politics and legal news. Today there was a post and some interesting responses concerning “the ten most influential books” on the author. Of note, it is reported by NMC that “blogs all around are listing 10 influential books.” NMC says he is late to the party, so if I sneak in right behind him maybe my faux pas will go unnoticed.
Anyway, I think its a cool topic for commentary. Some people have more time and some perhaps more interest, but most everybody has read something that they consider influential. I hope to hear your list. It’s supposed to be “off the top of your head” so don’t feel like your decision is set in stone, and in keeping with TB’s anti-authoritarian mandate, feel free to number your list anything other than ten.
Here’s the list I’m going with today, in no particular order:
The Virginian, Owen Wister–progenitor of the western genre, and the mythos of American rugged individualism.
Charlie Wilson’s War, George Crile–gave me a much better understanding of how Congress works, how Afghanistan became “our” mess and the law of unintended consequences
Paris, 1919, Margaret McMillan–all about the Treaty of Versailles ending WWI, how it shaped the 20th century, and the law of unintended consequences
The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis–spirituality, irony and a dry wit that resonate with TB
The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway–nobody strings together words more perfectly than Papa
North, Towards Home, Willie Morris–learning to look inward critically, without self-loathing, and without romanticizing; I loved this book even while I resented Willie’s opinions; loved it even more when I came around to his point of view.
The DaVinci Code, Dan Brown–because its a helluva fun adventure and because he raises issues that ought not be taboo
The Complete Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle–because we should at least attempt to see things as they are, not as we expect them to be
The Norton Anthology of English Literature, many, many Brits–because I found out I really did like poetry, a lot of it anyway, especially the parts about girls and booze
Ulysses, James Joyce–if and when I ever get through this without injuring my feeble brain, I will officially consider myself well-read. My previous record was getting to page 2. But its been a few years, so maybe I should try again soon.
TB’s Work in Progress, TB–if and when I ever get through this, I hope to be able to move past the nagging feeling that I missed my true calling.
“Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Indiana Jones
Sparing you the gruesome details, TB’s had a hard start to the New Year. Oh, it’s nothing major, mainly just the fact that I’m still barking like a seal every few minutes. Being sick has thrown off my “plan” for starting fresh. I’m not good when a plan gets thrown off track until I can regroup and come up with Plan B-1,587,877. And I can’t do that until I can breathe freely again. I mention all of this by way of excuse-apology-explanation for the tone of the TBU lately. Also, to foreshadow today’s stab at black humor.
TB’s Irrational Fears
Before I begin with my list I want to point out that I am not afraid of clowns, though I don’t particularly like them. I am fine with little people, but the munchkins in Wizard of Oz freak me out a bit. I’m cool with heights, I’ll take down a roach or a spider in a heartbeat, and I’ll speak in public if there’s no way around it. I love to fly, I relish a booming thunderstorm and I’m negligently cavalier with germs. So there. Enjoy my list and don’t judge me dangit.
Needles. I covered this in-depth once before.
Drowning. It seems like a really bad way to go.
Jail. Too many movies, an old article in SI about Denny McLain’s stretch in the big house and maybe a nagging feeling that I have the criminal’s gene buried somewhere deep within brought this on.
Snakes.
That my teeth will rot. This is one that’s not exactly a conscious fear, but when I get stressed I have these damn nightmares where my teeth disintegrate. On the plus side, I’m down to about once a year on that dream where I wake up and–you know what, that’s a whole nuther topic. I’ll save it.
The Exorcist and The Omen. Devil movies ain’t my bag.
Aging. I’m afraid the body will break down and I haven’t gotten around to doing a lot of the things with it that I want. With that dread milestone 4-0 looming I also fear y’all will be hearing enough about this to drive you crazy over the next few months. So just bear with me and have some compassion. If that doesn’t work, hey, at least I’m not afraid of bridges or flying monkeys like you are. Weirdo.
“Look Charlie Brown, let’s face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.” –Lucy
TB has been immersed in Christmas now for a couple of weeks, save one day for the pagan in me to revel in the Winter Solstice. I have participated and observed, made a list and checked it twice. Below are my awards for excellence in Christmas Achievement, 2009….the Elfies.
The Elfie for Greatest Christmas Movie goes to “It’s a Wonderful Life”, the climax of which once again coincided with an unexplained allergic reaction of watery eyes. Plus, that Donna Reed was a real beauty.
Best animated or claymation feature goes to the “Peanuts” gang. When Schroeder starts banging on those keys and the freestyle dancin commences you can’t help but feel good about the world. Makes me wanna dance with my hands held down at my waist, head up and eyes shut just thinkin about it. I dig that kid doin the zombie too.
Worst Christmas Movie that they better never take off the air goes to “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Really, his Dad is ashamed, his friends ostracize him and even Santa for Pete’s sake tells Donner he better do “something” about Rudolf’s nose if he ever expects him to fly on Christmas. Only when they need him do Santa and the prima donna reindeer crowd come around. This movie should get re-done by Spike Lee and Rudolf should say……well, let’s just say he ought to bust out the “Queen Mother” of all curse words on ‘em, which brings me to….
Best Dialogue in a Christmas Movie goes to “A Christmas Story.” The “dare” sequence, “you’ll shoot your eye out”, the Chinese dinner…these and countless other scenes are eternally quotable but my favorite one of all is the poetry that is “In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space above Lake Michigan.”
Best Christmas Treat is my Mom’s coconut pie. Special lifetime achievement awards go to her divinity and every mother’s iced Christmas cookies.
Best Christmas Song–this one was hard to narrow down, but I finally decided the simplicity and joy of “Jingle Bells” puts it at the top.
Best New Christmas Song–There hasn’t been a new Christmas song of note in quite a while and for all I know this one is really some old Polish folk song. But I’d never heard it until I saw it on TV a week ago. Then I saw where you could download it free on Itunes, so I did, and I can’t get enough of it now. Bob Dylan’s “Must Be Santa Claus”, and by the way, this looks like one helluva party. Enjoy.
Best way to restore TB’s faith in humanity–going shopping in the most crowded stores possible. I’m pretty down on “people” sometimes, but I’m always amazed, contrary to what I usually hear about from media sources, at the patience and consideration of people this time of year, especially in the hectic last shopping days I’m prone to.
Best War Ever–The “War on Christmas”. I don’t know who’s fighting Christmas but I hear a war’s been raging for years. I DO know that Christmas must be beatin’ the hell out of whoever is fighting it. Happy Holidays, y’all.
“How I hate those who are dedicated to producing conformity.” –William S. Burroughs
Travellinbaen invites you to join his group:
“I’ve never said “Happy Holidays” to anyone but I think I’m going to start now….just for laughs.”
“Opening the closet door to expose your Facebook super-religious friends’ skeletons.”
“If you knew what I thought about your status update today you’d de-friend me.”
“Damn, some of my old classmates look a lot older than me. Which is awesome.”
“Lists should comprise any number of items but ten.”
“It is not a coincidence that the economic collapse and Facebook explosion took place at the same time in history.”
“I wish I hadn’t been born a Bulldog fan but I was dammit, but maybe its not so bad because next year I’m pretty sure we’re gonna be good.”
“I wish I hadn’t been born a Bulldog fan but I was dammit, but maybe its not so bad because at least I wasn’t born a Rebel.”
“Cookies Anonymous”
“Let’s see if we can get zero people to join this group and set a world’s record.”
“Posters of chain emails without checking them out at Snopes, especially the ones that say in the body they were checked on Snopes but really weren’t.”
“I would never join any Facebook Group that would have me as a member.”
