Travellinbaen

Entries tagged as ‘conversations’

Luck and Logic

June 16, 2010 · 2 Comments

Quote of the Day:

“We talked into the night. The kind of talk that seemed important until you discover girls.” –the writer, Stand By Me

The two boys laid flat on the roof and stared up at the endless black sky. They had climbed up here not to stare at the sky, nor for any particular reason other than that it was here. One was a year older than the other, and a year taller. He wore an old Cincinnati Reds cap his brother had lost interest in several years back. The C was well and proudly battle-stained from the red dirt of every ball field within bike range. The smaller boy was chewing on a long strand of grass. It was a habit he’d picked up in anticipation of one day sticking in a dip, but he wasn’t mentally there yet. After all, it would probably be a sin, which wasn’t such a big deal in itself, but it might be a little more of a sin than he was comfortable about committing just yet. At once their eyes darted reflexively across the sky, though their heads scarcely twitched.

“Did you see that?” the older boy asked.

“Yep. That was a shooting star wasn’t it!”

“Sure looked like one to me. Did you make a wish?”

The scrawny one sat up and took the grass from his teeth, not even trying to hide his excitement.  “Hell yeah, same one you did, probably.”

“Well tell me what I wished then.”

“You crazy? It won’t come true if I do.”

The big kid couldn’t argue with that logic so he let it go without debate for a change. “Good point. It’s all just superstition anyway.”

“Can’t hurt though.”

They were quiet again for a while. The little southpaw kept searching the sky for another meteor while his wizened old pal sat up and looked down at the pitcher’s mound in front of them. The season would start soon and he would dominate. He had to dominate. But there wouldn’t be any state championships at the end of the season. They’d never even made it out of District.

“I sure would like to get my name on one of those boards down there.” The big kid rolled his eyes and his optimistic friend who couldn’t see them and didn’t turn to look in the first place felt the look burn into his head and laughed. The five boards hanging on the press box façade beneath them bore the names in scripted red, white and blue of the gallant few who’d come before and who brought home state titles for not only Gibson Field but for the whole town.

“Come on, we better climb down before we get caught. Did you find anything?”

Lefty always had better eyes for picking out lost golf balls in the ditch, or finding rusty pocketknives in the weeds, or spying stranded foul balls atop the press box that could only be retrieved in the dead of night. He grinned ear to ear. “Got two, pearly white!”

“Give me one.”

“Screw you too. Finder’s keepers.”

No arguing with that logic either, so the bigger kid dug his toe into the chain link fence and headed back down to Earth.

———————————————————-

This is the first part of a story I’m working on. Hope you like it. I’d let you see the rest but I haven’t settled on the rest yet. But the story is/will be drawn from conversations I recall from ages 10-12 or so, plus some stuff I made up. And if I can ever get the 15 stories I’ve got outlined finished and refined I’m going to put it in some sort of binding and call it my book. Then maybe I can get on with my life.

Oh, ps, I haven’t named this yet. That name at the top sucks, but it is the best I can do for now.

Categories: Life · Sports
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A Week in the Life, TB and Corporate America

March 30, 2010 · 6 Comments

Quote of the Day:

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s need, but not every man’s greed.” –Mahatma Gandhi

It’s been awhile since TB mentioned how I feel about Corporate America. I need to vent.

In March, 2008, I purchased a three year subscription to XM Satellite Radio. I love that product. Sirius/XM programming is possibly the greatest thing since toasted bread. However I hate the freakin company. For the past week I’ve been putting up with mail, email, and at least a dozen phone messages telling me that my account is past due and my service is set to be interrupted. Number one, I better not have far to drive when they cut me off. Number two, by my math three years won’t run from March 2008 until March 2011. The New Dehlian collections rep I was routed to with the thick English accent can’t get that salient factoid through his thick ass skull. Allow me to recount our conversation (much of his part I was forced to piece together based on my experience viewing Slum Dog Millionaire and The Simpsons and my past history with Corporate American customer service):

  • TB–Hi, this is TB. I keep getting these notices that my account is overdue. It’s not.
  • Mahatma–Yes Sir. Thank you sir. I can help you with that. Ok, pulling up your account. Ah! It’s overdue. If you will just provide me with your credit card number I will take care of it.
  • TB–I don’t think you understood me. I don’t owe you any money.
  • Mahatma–Yes Sir! Thank you for that Sir! And that account number issssss?
  • [it goes on like this for quite awhile--I'll spare you]
  • TB–Listen, I’m not giving you any money. What I need from you is a copy of my account going back three years. Find all my payments and orders and we’ll sort this out.
  • Mahatma–Yes Sir!!!! I can do that for you Sir! Right away, I’m putting in a request for that right now. And if you’ll just provide me with your…
  • [Dial tone--or maybe just silence, depends on what kind of phone he was using I guess]

I still haven’t gotten that damn email. And did you notice, Mahatma was a COLLECTIONS rep. A quick search of this problem on the Google revealed people who claim when their subscriptions expire–expire, not become delinquent–Sirius/XM immediately refer them to collections. God help me if that’s what they’ve done to me.

Here’s the thing. I do my part. I pay my freakin bills. On time. Always. In return I expect to get the mother freakin’ service I am promised, nothing more, nothing less. What I also have come, sadly, to expect is that if the company operates on more than a local basis, they will continually attempt to screw me out of an extra dollar, or more likely a hundred dollars, in diabolically ingenius ways. Every freakin’ company I deal with is like Wil-E-Coyote and I’m the sheep dog, clocking in each morning to try to protect myself, my family and my clients. And be assured &*^%$, that this XM &^%*^* is just the straw that made me mother ^&%$#’n snap. Allstate, who I have sent money to for 24 years without making a single claim is holding about $75 they owe me when I cancelled my prepaid policy to combine my coverage with my wife’s. My former agent was Jenny Conn of Gautier, MS. Her staff kept me on the phone for half an hour trying to talk me out of canceling and then made me fax them confirmation. I did it and even though she has collected a commission off of me for 24 long years without doing a ^%#$& bit of work, she is part of Allstate and together they can’t get by without returning my unused premium.

Oh, that ain’t all, one of our health insurers started several years ago denying a dollar or two from periodic checkup payments and sticking them on me because the doctor’s bills were “above reasonable and customary.” Each year that nuisance amount I’ve had to pay has gone up a couple of bucks until this year when the denied part has suddenly become almost one-third of the entire cost.

The chain that services my air conditioner came out three times last summer. I spent about $800 on repairs and I was assured the problem was finally solved. Lo and %&$#ing behold. I turn on the AC for the first time and there is no cool air. Wising up, I called in a local independent guy who tells me there’s a leak and a major part needs to be repaired. It will cost about $1200. Except that for ME it will cost $2000 because I spent $800 on &^%*’n nothin last year.

Believe me, there’s more.

And so I ask you, am I the only mother %$#&ing one? Because from what I can tell, about half the country is apeshit crazy to defend Corporate America to the last drop of blood and the other half claims to be on to the scam but steadfastly refuse to act. A little help? Really, I want to know. Am I the only one?

Categories: Uncategorized
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The TBU Political Consultants Get a Car

October 27, 2009 · 4 Comments

Quotes of the Day:

“When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a bitch an anvil”     –James Carville

“What we see and what we all do on cable TV is not what people in the real world want to hear.” –Mary Matalin

The recession busted TBU political consultants are back. You first met them as marriage counselors, then they rewrote the rulebook for football. Now they are talking cars.

TB (8 years ago)–Jaycee, Emmsquare, here’s a car. It’s yours. To share. In 8 years I’ll want to hear your thoughts so I can post them on the blog I will undoubtedly start in the future.

MM–Thanks TB. I already love it. It’s the greatest car God could’ve ever given anyone in the whole world.

TB–But I gave it to you.

MM–<blank stare>

JC–I know you won’t believe this, but I think its the greatest car in the whole world too.

TB–I finally found something you two could agree on. Let’s hold hands and sing God Bless America.

—–8 years later—–

TB–Ok guys, how has the car been? Still think its the greatest car in the whole world?

MM and JC (together)–Absolutely.

JC–I do have a few, um, suggestions though. Emm had the car first and put a lot of miles on it even though she promised she wouldn’t if I would just give her control first. And by the time it was my turn to drive it there were a few scratches on it. She didn’t take very good care of it frankly.

MM–Well, let’s tell him the whole story shall we? The first thing you did when you got to drive was start whining about how it could do so much more. First you added speakers. Then you had to install a cell phone. Then a DVD player for the back seat so the little people could enjoy the car a little more. It was starting to get really expensive to operate.

JC–Now that’s just a matter of perspective. Since I didn’t drive the wheels off on ill conceived expeditions away from town the actual cost of the car while I was in charge was even lower than it had been when you had it. Plus, I improved it.

MM–So you say, but you fail to take into account that these so-called improvements will cost money in perpetuity. The little people aren’t going to be satisfied with only one DVD. This expense alone will grow exponentially through the years.

TB–Hmmmm. Interesting. So who’s driving the car now?

JC–I am. And the car is in really bad shape, but its not my fault. She thought it was just fine to keep driving the car even though there was an oil leak. “I’ll just add more” she kept saying. Then the oil ran out one time when the price was really high and there was a ton of damage done. So you might not like how the car is running now, but remember, I inherited this mess.

MM–Oh please. How much longer are you going to keep using that excuse. You’ve had the car long enough to make repairs and just haven’t gotten around to it.

JC–Repairs are on my agenda. But the first thing I had to do when I got the keys back was add a satellite radio to bring us into the modern age. And you had neglected the little ones’ DVD collection so I had to update that. I’ve gone to the bank to get a loan for the major repairs and the money should be here any day.

MM–All of that is a waste of time. What we need to do is park this car in the garage and quit using it at all.

JC–That is completely asinine. A car is a tool and must be used and maintained. If you had been a little more concerned with keeping it good shape when you were driving we wouldn’t be having this discussion. It’s only due to my constant tinkering that the car will even run any more. Besides, when you are driving you never want it parked.

MM–You hate our car. TB, I have it on good authority he asked a panel of mechanics down at the union hall if we should kill the car.

JC–YOU LIE! TB, you wanna know who she’s associating with now? I saw her at a tea party at the country club just the other day. One of her best friends stated publicly that Emm should get her own car and completely disassociate herself with this car.

MM–Look TB, Im’ma let you talk in just a minute, but I just wanna say, this car was a lot better in the beginning, everybody knows that. I hardly recognize the thing any more. He doesn’t use it at all like you intended. And you remember where the car was when we first got it? In the garage. Where it needs to stay. The best cars are the ones used least.

TB–I’m guessing neither of you think this is the best car in the world any more?

JC–Of course not. It’s the greatest car in the world.

MM–To suggest otherwise is patently absurd.

Categories: Humor · Politics
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Reinventing Football With Modern Day Politicos

October 5, 2009 · 13 Comments

Quote of the Day:

“Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think its important. –Eugene McCarthy

What drives TB batty about political discourse is the complete disconnect between any two opposite numbers in a public debate and the resultant understanding gap between the two sides’ respective devotees. Is it possible that only one side is really ALWAYS right, or even more than three quarters of the time? Is there EVER more than one way to go about achieving a goal? In the gaping chasms of TB’s prematurely aging, long ago alcohol addled brain matter lies the answer. It is buried in a sports analogy (is there any other sort?). I leave it to you, gentle reader, to draw from it what you may. My query–What if a modern day Beck disciple and a Kossack his opposite had been tasked a century ago to developing the rules for football? I think the game would look something like this:

Lib-Well, here we are Con. You don’t like it. I don’t like it. But we have a job to do. How do you think we should kick things off? Maybe flip a coin to see who goes first and take turns making a rule?

Con–I go first.

Lib–In the spirit of cooperation I think you should go first.

Con–That counts as your first rule. You broke procedure so now I get to make two rules.

Lib–THAT’s NOT TRUE! Your allegations are factually unsupported and scandalous. This is so unfair. Ok, make your two rules.

Con–Quarterback will be the most important position on the field. If he gets injured hit at all, there will be an automatic timeout for the medical staff to attend to him. And no hitting him above the shoulders or below the waste. And if you get his uniform dirty it is a penalty.

Con–Next, linemen have to play both ways. Nobody will even notice, and by using 5 guys to do the work of 10 we will be able to carry an additional quarterback on the roster. And if a lineman gets hurt he will be dragged off the premises with haste.

Lib–(sighs) Ok, here’s mine–Everybody on the team, even the FIVE linemen must score at least one touchdown per year.

Con–You are trying to ruin this game! You hate football! In spite of you, I have an idea that can save the game, but be warned, one day I will destroy you. Heathen.

Lib–<blank stare>

Con–There are no ties, only winners and losers. If the score is tied at the end of regulation we will have an overtime and it will be named (sneers devilishly, pauses to heighten the lib’s fearful anticipation)…….SUDDEN DEATH. Other words that will be incorporated into the game include “blitz”, “bomb”, “bullet”…..ummm, let’s go old school with “sack”……..and…….oh yeah, “hail Mary.” (insert diabolical laughter here.)

Lib–Very well. When a player drops a ball and the other team recovers we will call it a “giveaway.” When the quarterback gives the ball to someone else to run it will be a “handout.” All players on a team, including the quarterback will be issued “uniform” clothing to wear.

Con–Commit three penalties and you’re banned for life. The ball will be constructed from the skin of a pig. A live pig. The rest of the pig will go to pregame meal with the quarterbacks getting their fill of the loins and the ribs, then taking home whatever leftovers they want, plus some bacon to freeze and ALL the rest can be divided amongst the rest of the team. Unless the quarterbacks need some sausage.

Lib–Play calling is subject to a popular election. If one side gets more points than the other the referees will award bonus points immediately; alternatively, points can be taken away from the high scoring team and awarded to the lesser.

Con–Well played, sir. Well played. I think we’re done here. My part of the game will totally rock and I have no doubt in my, um, my thinking place, that before the end of four seasons your rules will be exposed as a fraud and I will be allowed to impose my God given will on the game to form a more perfect union league.

Lib–I realize we’ve made all the rules, but I just want you to consider a couple of ideas I’ve been tinkerin with. I was sort of hoping we could improve the game with some bipartisan cooperation. The first one I call the “forward pass.”

Con–You can never be satisfied, can you. It’s because deep down you hate football. You hate that America loves watching the complex beauty that is the game as we’ve always known it. The run off tackle right. Off tackle left. And of course, good ol’ up the middle (chuckling to self–heh,heh, that one always works).

Lib–I’m guessing you’re not gonna be open to letting both sides have a ball at the same time.

Con–Fascist.

Lib–I’m not a fascist. You’re a fascist.

Categories: Humor · Politics · Sports
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Friday Questions–Presidential Edition

August 28, 2009 · 1 Comment

Quote of the Day:

“It is better to be quotable than to be honest.” –Tom Stoppard

I thought for this weekend’s questions I’d give you readers a break and let TB address some of those I’ve asked lately to the foremost liberal and conservative Presidents of the last century. So I fired up the TB time machine, grabbed a case of beer and set off to pick up Roosevelt and Reagan for a casual conversation. All the quotes are real. Here’s how it went:

TB–Mr. President (nodding), Mr. President (nodding) thanks for joining me here today. By coin toss, Mr. Reagan won the right to choose the century and Mr. Roosevelt chose the spot. FDR chose , inexplicably to me, Warm Springs, Georgia, while Mr. Reagan selected 10,000 B.C. so he could revel in the loving arms of anarchy. Score one for the Gipper. Welcome gentlemen.

RR:    Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

TB:    Um, there’s no cameras here Ronnie. It’s just us. I’m gonna write everything down on my blog.

FDR:  Are you laboring under the impression I read these memoranda of yours?

TB:    Nevertheless, you have both agreed to answer these questions, previously put to the denizens of the TB Universe, so here we go.

TB asked:     God grants you the power to cure cancer, establish world peace, or eliminate hunger–choose one (this question sponsored by the Miss South Carolina Pageant Commission).

RR:       People free to choose always choose peace.

FDR:   More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginning of all wars – yes, an end to this brutal, inhuman and thoroughly impractical method of settling the differences between governments.

TB asked:    You are going to sea for a three hour tour. Instead of returning to port you will be stranded for a year (or six seasons maybe) on a deserted island. You have a feeling this might happen but instead of skipping the trip you simply place five important things in your beach bag before you leave the house. What are they?

RR:   We cannot play innocents abroad in a world that is not innocent.

TB:   Lighten up dude, it’s just a game. Let me try and help. I said I’d bring my Ipod.

RR:   Life is one grand sweet song. So start the music.

FDR: To reach a port, we must sail–sail, not tie at anchor–sail, not drift.

TB:   But the point is, we’re stranded. We can’t sail.

FDR: (laughing heartily) It is fun to be in the same decade with you.

TB:   (staring blankly at both)

TB:  Ok, this isn’t going so well. We have just a little more time, so I’ll go off script and ask you about some of the questions I’m wrestling with right now. I could really use some guidance.

I’m taking vacation in a week to Maine. Is Acadia National Park worth spending three days in?

FDR: A nation that destroys its soils destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people.

TB:  I’m putting that down as a “yes.” Ronnie, wake up! What do you think about my trip to the Maine woods?

RR:  A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?

TB:  One yes, one no. Moving on, Mississippi State is going to run the spread this year. Thoughts?

FDR: It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.

TB:   Well, one good thing about it is if we fall way behind we will still have a chance to catch up.

RR:   I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.

TB:   Yeah, deficits are a way of life for Bulldog fans.

TB:   Last one, this post, I fear, is taking on the characteristics of a late segment skit on Saturday Night Live–long and boring.

FDR: We have nothing to fea–

TB:   STOP IT!

RR:   Mr. Gorbachev, tear dow–

TB:   STOP IT! That doesn’t even make sense!

TB:   I was going to say, MD hasn’t been around in a long time. Any ideas why he left or if he’ll return for Thursday pickin? Did I abuse him too much?

RR:   I know in my heart that man is good. That what is right will always eventually triumph.

TB:   Oh, I knew you’d take up for him. But you gotta admit, he probably left because he kept losing debates with me.

RR:   Facts are stubborn things.

TB:   Damn right.

FDR: Remember, you are just an extra in everyone else’s play.

TB:   Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side! This interview is over!


Categories: Humor
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A Cable Company Customer Service Conversation

August 7, 2009 · 18 Comments

Quote of the Day:

“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.”     –Howard Scott, 20th century scientist/engineer

Maybe the government can’t do anything right, I don’t know. What I DO know is private monopolistic corporations blow. But then again, their “customer service” CAN give you a laugh, once you get over the aneurysm. Here’s a summary of my calls to the cable company yesterday:

TB–Hi, this is TB. I have a new credit card number and I am trying to access my account online to change it on my automatic pay. I have my user name and password but your page won’t let me in.

CS–Yes sir, I can help you with that. You have a new email address and that will be your user name.

TB–But I don’t want a new email address. I already have like 4.

CS–Yes sir, but you don’t have one of OURS.

TB–But I don’t want one of YOURS.

CS–Well, that’s the only way to get in to your account.

TB–OK sock it to me. But I don’t want you sending me anything at that account. I will never check it.

CS–I’m sorry sir. This is the email we have on file.

TB–But I didn’t even know it existed.

CS–Yes sir. It does.

TB–OK fine.

(TB gets new email address/user name and gets online, only to find that there is no way to change my credit card number. The previous CS rep, who knew why I needed in, neglected to advise on this point. So I called back in.)

TB–Hi, this is TB. I’m on your website but can’t access a page to update my automatic payment on my credit card. I need to change it.

CS–No problem sir I’ll take care of it. (takes credit card number)

TB–I just want to be clear. It’s 4 days before the bill is due. This will go through for the current bill and my automatic payments will continue as always right?

CS–Um. I am processing your request.

TB–What does that mean?

CS–Um. (clearly TB has gone off script) It means…..it should be fine as far as I know.

TB–I don’t like the way that sounds.

CS–Yes sir.

TB–I can see right now what is going to happen. There will be a late fee and I’ll hit the roof.

CS–Yes sir. There might be. (she is clearly not comfortable being a cable company customer cheat service rep)

TB–I think you can see how that is just stupid.

CS–(going off the reservation) Yes sir. It IS stupid. I’ll make sure this is going to be ok and will call you back if there is a problem.

TB–Ok, thanks. And will you send an email confirmation. But I don’t want it at the address y’all just gave me. I want it on my regular email which is….

CS–Oh no problem sir, we have your old email on file.

(one hour later, the phone rings)

CS–TB, I got in big trouble. I have to send you a form to fill out to change your card number and your payment will not be drafted on time, so there will be a late fee. And I can’t send anything to your regular email.

TB–CS, I don’t want to yell at you. You are clearly not at fault. I want to yell at your boss. What is his name.

CS–(totally rogue now)–TB, I can’t tell you (whispers his name).

TB–Did you say *A-hole* (not his real name).

CS–Yes sir.

TB–Can you transfer me?

CS–I can’t do that sir.

TB–Can you give me A-hole’s phone number sir.

CS–No sir, however the office is on Cedars of Lebanon in Jackson.

TB–Are you telling me that’s where A-hole’s office is?

CS–Yes sir.

TB–Is it in the phone book?

CS–Yes sir.

TB–And I shouldn’t tell him where I got his name right?

CS–Yes sir. Thank you sir. Have a nice day.

(a few seconds later)

TB–I need to speak to A-hole

(after holding for 5 minutes)

AH–May I help you?

TB–AH, I want to tell you what I’ve been going through all morning and to preface it by telling you that to do the same thing with AT&T, who I hate as much as Comcast normally, it only took me 10 seconds to accomplish online. (I tell him)

AH–Um. Yes sir. But you see, people try to cheat us (oblivious of the irony) and so we need a signed authorization like the one you originally signed.

TB–I get that. I really do. But you see, I never signed an authorization. Just like I don’t with AT&T or any of the other 1000 businesses who take my credit card online all the time. So I have no intention of waiting on the mail to sign a form that I can’t get back to you until after the 10th by which time you will charge me a late fee.  And after I talked to three of your customer service reps (had to give my rogue friend some cover) I finally got your name as the man who can fix all this. So how about it?

AH–Ok. How about this. We’ll take your payment today for this month, then you sign the papers we mail you for the ongoing bill?

TB–Was the customer service rep allowed to do that for me?

AH–No sir.

TB–Sure would’ve been easier if she was.

AH–Yes sir.

TB–Whatever. That’s fine. But you DO see that by taking the one time payment now, and in seeing that it goes through, just like the previous FIVE years of payments on my account, you are wasting your time and mine by not just setting up the automatic payments with the new number?

AH–Yes sir I do.

TB–Just checkin.

(awkward pause)

TB–Can you send an email confirmation? Preferably to my old email address which is….

AH–No problem sir. I have it right here on file. Thank you sir.

Categories: Humor · Life
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If Political Consultants Became Marriage Counselors

August 4, 2009 · 11 Comments

Quote of the Day:

“You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one–I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”        –Glenn Beck

TB enjoys a good debate. Though I won’t do it lightly, I’m even open to changing my position on most any matter, if given enough factual justification to do so. I do not, however, respond to arguments involving name calling, accusations of lunacy, or simple volume. Nor am I impressed by theories. It’s not that I don’t subscribe to certain theories myself, but I don’t get heartburn when my theory fails to change someone’s mind unless I can support it with a lot more evidence than the opposing theory can muster, and I’m not accepting anyone else’s theory unless the same threshold is met. Mainly, I am repelled by arguments that to me are based on obvious fallacies and falsities. In politics, because it works, I find almost all discussion useless mainly because the arguments set forth by the talking heads and the news reported by the media is so often off the mark and disingenuous.

The health insurance “debate” is a perfect example of this. The left tells us everyone can get coverage with no tax increases and no care delivery issues and the right tells us….well, mainly they are sending thugs to town hall meetings to shout down speakers, but when they argue it is that the government wants to get between you and your doctor, provide mass abortions and let old people die without care. It’s all lies. Neither side is willing to concede the obvious points favoring the other–that our system needs major overhaul, that too much health care money is being wasted on corporate profits for companies acting only as middle men and that to overhaul it will cost a lot of money and ultimately will drastically reduce the size of the private health insurance industry, costing a good many jobs and a significant stockholder loss. But this post isn’t about that.

I was visualizing this morning what a family discussion over personal budgets would look like if a couple outsourced the debate to political consultants. It would go something like this:

Husband Proxy–Dear, I just read an article suggesting couples don’t go out to eat often enough and when we do we seldom go for steaks. Maybe we should go have a steak this weekend.

Wife Proxy–Steaks are expensive. Are you sure that’s a good idea?

HP–They are only expensive in the short term. Compared to lunchmeat, they are actually quite healthy if we go with grain fed beef. So if by eating a steak we skip all the chemicals and salt from our ham sandwiches we will save money in the long run on health care. To say nothing of the mayonnaise we use on our sandwiches–the more I think about it, the more I think eating steak is like giving ourselves free money.

WP--I think maybe you are just being a pork-ist. In fact, I recall that you made more than one pork-ist joke back when we were dating.

HP–There you go playing the tired old species card.

WP–It’s not just that. We already have a package of ham in the fridge. If we don’t eat it all by the due date we’ll have to throw it out and  that would be waste. There is far too much waste in this household and its due to your insistence on “change” in our meal plans.

HP–So now you are telling me you don’t believe in free competition! I am expected to forgo a delicious meal just so a lesser food won’t sit around doing nothing? That’s fascist! And socialist too!

WP–Do you even know what those words mean?

HP–NO! But they are really bad! Why, do you?

WP–Of course not, but it involves Germany.

HP–Oh, that’s a snide reference to the Black Forest isn’t it? This isn’t about what’s right at all is it? You are getting coupons for ham and not reporting it!

WP–Oh yeah? Well how do you know that beef is even grain fed? Have you seen a certificate of proof? I think you are playing the fool for the cow lobby and in your perfect little idealistic tasty delicious world refuse to see that the cows are out to get us all.

HP–Nine out of ten waiters in this town recommend the grain fed beef. Anyone who can’t see that is an excellent choice is simply a fringe element.

WP–I just realized…this isn’t about the steak OR the ham. You hate my mayonnaise. This is all just a smokescreen to reduce the amount of mayonnaise we use. YOU, SIR, are a pork-ist, mayo-ist, um, communist….ummm….PIG!

HP–Now that’s a low blow dear. Some of my favorite dishes contain mayonnaise.

Wife–Come on babe. Let’s go out for ice cream.

Husband–Should we bring Carville and Matalin?

Husband and Wife– <Blank Stare>

HP and WP– <waiting hopefully>

Husband and Wife <Leaving without HP and WP>

HP–You think they ought to get chocolate or vanilla?

WP–Oh I KNOW what you think about white foods………………….

Categories: Humor · Politics
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A Conversation in Little Rock

July 7, 2009 · 11 Comments

Quote of the Day:

“When people wear shoes that don’t fit them, it says something about their soul. Generally, I think it means they are good people.” –Billy Bob Thornton, probably my favorite Arkansan

After leaving Hot Springs, TB and company cruised fifty miles to the northeast to Little Rock where we spent the 4th of July visiting the Bill Clinton Presidential Library and attending the city’s riverfront Independence Day festivities. Most of the day was unremarkable, which is not to say unenjoyable. I learned a few things at the museum, had an excellent burrito at the River Market and ooohhhed and ahhhhed at the fireworks after dark. However there were two vignettes unrelated to our visit that stood out as worthy of sharing on the blog.

The first was a lovers’ quarrel I couldn’t help noticing. It seems one of the unfortunate lovebirds was the victim of a “holding out” episode from the other. Determined to keep his personal property all to himself, the gentleman fled his lady in a backpedaling fashion, continually brushing her searching hands away from his person. For perhaps twenty yards the two became angrier with one another and their dialogue more regrettable and more audible to standers by. Finally penned against the chain link fence seen in the photo, the young gent appealed to the massed citizens within earshot to “SOMEBODY, PLEASE CALL THE PO-LICE.” At this point I could stand idly by no more. I quickly pulled out my phone in response to his plea. I was shaking, so it was difficult to manipulate the buttons. Fortunately I controlled my laughter and snapped this photo of our heroes. Note the dude’s blank stare in the foreground (you can tell even though you can’t see his face). Also note the sweet wife beater T. Keep an eye out for these two on a future episode of “Cops”……”but don’t arrest he’em aw-ficer…..I luvvvvvvvv himmmmmmm.”

Sad, really

Sad, really

Also worth recording here was the substance of a conversation I overheard involving an old lady and her daughter at the festivities along the river leading up to the fireworks as grand finale scheduled for 9 pm. I judged the lady’s age at approximately 127 years old. Her Mother was probably 227. I should let you know there were preliminary bands and singers that started around 5 pm, and this conversation took place at about 6 pm. Anyway, here’s how it went:

Mamaw–When they gone play the symphony?

Daughter–It don’t start til after we leave.

Mamaw–It ain’t never been so late.

Daughter–Says here they come on last. Then they’s fireworks.

Mamaw–I been comin here for years, they ain’t never been this late.

Daughter–Shame we got to leave before they come on.

Mamaw–(singin to self, I guess) “won’t you come home Bill Bailey, won’t you come home.”

Daughter–I told you we was gone leave before the symphony.

Mamaw–Why’d we even come? I want to see the symphony. I don’t care ’bout these people and their singin.

Daughter–Cuz you said you wanted to see the symphony.

Mamaw–I don’t see why they playin so late. They ain’t never played so late.

Daughter–I could leave you here. But it would cost you to get home.

Mamaw–Fine, I wanna see the symphony.

Daughter–But it says here they don’t start til 8 30.

Mamaw–I don’t know why they wanna start so late this year. (singin again) “I’ll do the cookin darlin, I’ll pay the rent. Won’t you come home Bill Bailey, won’t you come home?”

TB–(finishes making notes on iphone for blog, gets up and leaves seating area to search for star crossed lovers, staring blankly into the night, and humming softly, “won’t you come home Bill Bailey, won’t you come home?”; Later that night I looked up the song. First popularized in 1902.)

Categories: Blank Stares · Humor · Life
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The Dude, The Duke and The Dupe

June 30, 2009 · 11 Comments

Quote of the Day: “Life is hard. It’s harder if you’re stupid.” John Wayne

Today, I offer you the opportunity to sit in on a roundtable discussion among three of the greatest characters in all of fiction (and the realm one level stranger than that). At the request of Irvine Redd, TB attempted to arrange an exclusive interview with the Duke, Hunter S. Thompson to be aired this week. But Thompson, through a minion, advised that he had no interest in talking to me because I’d shown conclusively over the last few weeks that I have nothing to say and though he is a devout reader of the site he is fearful and disgusted by the blog’s recent direction and he loathes my poetry. However, he was willing to appear on the site in an effort to get it back on track so long as I could set up a sit down with The Dude of “The Big Lebowski” and Ignatius J. Reilly from “A Confederacy of Dunces”. This was easily done, and below is the transcript of our freewheelin conversation.

TB–Gentlemen, it is a true pleasure to have you all together here in the tepee. I know its a little uncomfortable sitting cross-legged on this rug at midnight, especially for you Ignatius, but it was a clause in the contract Duke sent over.

Duke–I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.

IJR–The day before me is fraught with God knows what horrors.

Duke–Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

TB–Dude, how should I address you? Is “Dude” ok?

Dude–Let me explain something to you. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

TB–Dude it is. Ok, guys let’s get after it. People are worried these days. So much is going on in the world. How do you feel about the state of our country?

Duke–America….just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

IJR–My valve!

Dude–I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.

TB–America?

Dude–It’s like what Lenin said…you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh….You know what I’m trying to say.

IJR–(Angrily) Leaving New Orleans frightens me considerably. Outside the city limits the heart of darkness, the true wasteland begins. I am at this moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.

TB–That’s great guys. I wanted to get your take on Micha–

Duke–There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.

TB–But what abou–

IJR–(angrier and loud) A firm rule must be imposed upon our nation before it destroys itself. The United States needs some theology and geometry, some taste and decency. I suspect that we are teetering on the edge of the abyss.

Dude–I’ve got certain information, alright? Certain things have come to light. And you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I….this could be a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh complex, I mean its not just, it might not be  just such a simple…uh, you know?

Duke–Buy the ticket, take the ride.

TB–Guys, let’s get back on tra–

IJR–(getting angrier, louder and gaseous) Canned food is a perversion. I suspect that it is ultimately very damaging to the soul!

Dude–This aggression will not stand, man. Mind if I do a J?

Duke–I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

IJR–(even angrier, louder and gaseouser) They fear me! I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe!

TB–Please settle down gentlemen. Let’s wrap up. What’s going on with each of you now? And make it fast. It’s beginning to smell terrible in here.

IJR–(rising, shouting, flatulating) WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? THE HUMAN BODY WHEN CONFINED, PRODUCES CERTAIN ODORS WHICH WE TEND TO FORGET IN THIS AGE OF DEODORANTS AND OTHER PERVERSIONS. ACTUALLY I FIND THE ATMOSPHERE OF THIS ROOM RATHER COMFORTING. I HAVE MY NEEDS! YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT MARK TWAIN PREFERRED TO LIE SUPINELY IN BED WHILE COMPOSING THOSE RATHER DATED AND BORING EFFORTS WHICH CONTEMPORARY SCHOLARS TRY TO PROVE MEANINGFUL. VENERATION OF MARK TWAIN IS ONE OF THE ROOTS OF OUR CURRENT INTELLECTUAL STALEMATE!

TB–Um, how about you Dude?

Dude–Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

Duke–(now conversing privately with IJR) If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

IJR–MY VALVE!

TB–I think I’m gonna gag.

Dude– (to IPR) Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here!

TB, Dude, even Duke–(staring blankly at Ignatius, interminable seconds pass)

Dude–That rug really tied the room together.

———–

ed. note–the quotations are attributable to “The Big Lebowski”, “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole, and various works of Hunter S. Thompson. I have taken a few liberties.

Categories: Humor · People
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TB’s Exclusive Interview Series–Ben Franklin

June 24, 2009 · 25 Comments

Quote of the Day: “No one can replace him Sir; I am only his successor.” Thomas Jefferson, in 1785 in response to a query from Msr. Vergennes, the French foreign minister, as to he being Dr. Franklin’s replacement

As is evident by TB’s use of the Quote of the Day before each post, I take great interest and pleasure in the “bon mots” of historical figures, musicians and even everyday acquaintances. Today I combine my interest in the quotable with my surprise (albeit in pathetically low voter participation) at Ben Franklin’s election by TB readers as the “favorite founding father.” Thus, I decided to put many of the important questions of our time to Franklin and found our conversation enlightening, if cryptic at times.

TB–Mr. Franklin, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. I’m sure there are lots of folks in the afterlife vying for a bit of your time.

BF–Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

TB–Um. Ok. Guess that means to get on with it. Forgive me if I ramble a bit. It’s a bit overwhelming to interview someone of your accomplishment and stature, not even considering your, um, deadness. But I’ll do better, I promise.

BF–How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.

TB--Let’s get into the issues. Noted gay gossip peddler Perez Hilton hurled a homophobic epithet recently at a rapper. This after participating in a national crisis involving Miss California’s opinion on gay marriage.

BF–Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

TB–Have you seen “The Hangover?”

BF–Lost time is never found again.

TB–Yeah, in real life you can never recover so much after a blackout, but still, it was really funny. The best ARB drinkin movie ever I’d say.

BF–Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

TB–Damn right! High Five!

BF–(high fives)

TB–Back to the issues. Have you been keeping up with Jon and Kate?

BF–Where there is marriage without love there will be love without marriage.

TB–Wow, you are taking that really seriously. Any advice for Jon?

BF–Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.

TB–So you are on Kate’s side.

BF–Wars are not paid for in wartime. The bill comes later.

TB–That’s true I guess. Nobody ever really wins in these situations. Our time is short. Let me ask a few questions that are important to me personally. Mississippi State has a new football coach. We’re going to be a lot better aren’t we?

BF–We are born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

TB–Hmmm. Can’t argue with that. It is hard work to be a Bulldog fan. Still, better than being a Rebel, right?

BF–Those that won’t be counseled can’t be helped.

TB–Amen. So what do you think about the blog?

BF–The first mistake in public business is going in to it.

TB–Good point. But its fun, at least when I have something interesting to say or share. Some days I put stuff out there that I know isn’t really that good, but I feel compelled to produce something anyway.

BF–God works wonders now and then. Behold a lawyer, an honest man.

TB–Ok, ok, Poor Richard’s this ain’t. But do you at least like the new layout? Pretty much everyone was against it, and Zeek, as official naysayer of the blog called me out on it.

BF–Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.

TB–HA! Take THAT Zeek!  But give me a little credit Ben. Some people have told me they really enjoy visiting here each day.

BF–Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.

TB–That’s cold dude. Our time is up. Any parting words? A bonus QOTD of sorts?

BF–For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged, by better information or fuller consideration, to change opinions, even on important subjects, which I once thought right but found to be otherwise.

TB–Dang right. That’s a subtle dig at MD, right?

BF–He that speaks much, is much mistaken.

TB–Wait a minute. That sounds more like me.

BF–Be slow in choosing an asshole runnin buddy, slower in changing.

TB–Yeah, whatever. Have a nice day.

Categories: Humor · People
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